Stan Helsing Page #6

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There's a TV.

Let's put that on.

We'll keep you posted

on this election.

And in local news, tonight police

are looking for this man.

His name is Finbar Ohara,

an escaped murderer also

known as The Butcher.

Hey, that's the guy we picked up.

A busload of Linwood

special-education students

found him lying on New Road after he had

been thrown from a moving vehicle.

He wasn't thrown.

He let go.

Once inside the bus,

he turned on his good Samaritans,

killed the driver and all

but one of the special-ed students.

The lone surviving

special-education student

described the killer

as screaming and bossy.

I didn't think he was bossy.

In other news, a Margate couple

was arrested this evening

for selling pornography that

was shot surreptitiously

while people used the bathroom at

the couple's gas station.

Chanel 5 News was there exclusively

when the bust went down.

Some of the footage was shot

as recently as this evening.

Maybe we'll get residuals.

And finally tonight,

the death of a local hero.

Sammy Boy was the victim

of a hit-and-run accident.

Viewers might remember

Sammy Boy

from a story we did

a couple of months ago

when Sammy Boy rescued

several children

from a fire at

the Bentner Orphanage.

Sammy Boy's owner was too distraught

to speak to us on camera,

but he said he vowed to

get those who killed Sammy Boy

and "butcher them like pigs."

- Turn it off.

- That's all for tonight.

I'm Zorianna Kit.

Well, there he is,

waiting for us.

Well, I'm tired of

waiting to be slaughtered.

I'm gonna do something about it.

Stan, wait.

Ahh!

No one messes with

me and my friends!

Hey!

- He's beating up Timmy, our goalie.

- Ah, stop!

Let's get him!

- Get back here!

- Come on!

Ow! Ow!

That's great, Stan.

We went from one crazy hockey

player trying to kill us to a whole team.

Well, that's 'cause I don't

like getting involved.

We need to get out of here, okay?

We're trapped in here like sitting ducks.

- Oh!

- Ahhh!

And cut.

His cock is green.

His fangs are starting

to leave marks.

What's that smell?

It's a combination of

tanning oil and poop.

Oh, what the hell is this?

We're making a gay porno.

That's what we do here

at Cornhole Pictures.

Cornhole Pictures?

Hey, how did these

looky-loos get on my set?

- Get these freaks out of here.

- Hey, man, we're going.

We're just trying to, like,

get through this house

and then we're trying to drop off

these videos. Then we'll go on our way.

"Grazing Ryan's Privates"?

What?

That's a classic.

Oh, he got lube on the bag.

He got lube on...

- Why do you have that?

- I'm just dropping them off, man.

Get 'em out of here.

Who would have thought that

Stormy Night Pictures

is now the home to porn?

Oh, you guys.

- Aw.

- Aww!

- How cute.

- Oh, little cutie!

- Aw!

- Oh, you baby!

He kind of looks like that dog

we hit on the road.

You mean Sammy Boy?

That's Sammy Boy's son.

This is Sammy Boy!

- Whoa!

- Ah!

Hi, Sammy Boy.

Looking good.

Nice job.

You barely notice.

He hasn't been the same

since you hit him with your car.

He can't eat.

Now he's starving.

Have you tried the Ensure?

They're these little milkshakes.

We gave them to my grandfather one time

when he couldn't poop.

It was awful...

Sammy needs meat!

There was a Sizzler

that we just passed

- on the way over here.

- Raw meat.

You don't have to cook it.

- Anybody else got any big bright ideas?

- No.

But I have this.

What you got there?

That's fantastic, Mia.

Keep doing that.

You're controlling him!

You haven't seen the last of us!

You guys, I'm like those guys

in Vegas with the tigers...

Sigmund & Freud.

You know, we have so many

people after us,

if we don't get to a landline soon

and call for a ride,

we're not gonna make it

through this night alive.

Too bad there's just

that cab phone.

What cab phone?

The one in the town

square that we passed.

Ahhh!

Do you guys hear that?

All right. All right, thanks.

So I called the dispatcher.

Cab'll be here in 20 minutes.

And did you tell him

to call the police?

On who?

Us for killing that hero dog?

Yeah, he's got a point.

- So are we still going to this party?

- Party?

I just want to go home.

We're not home yet.

Programs!

Get your programs right here!

Get them while they're hot...

red hot!

Here you go, kind sir.

$1 please. Thank you kindly.

- Well, that can't be good.

- We are so screwed.

I can't believe I'm gonna die

dressed as a nurse.

You're not gonna die

dressed as a nurse.

So I have time to change?

That's great, because I have this

really cute little Girl Scout uniform...

- We're going to plan B.

- What's plan B?

- Run!

- Ahhh!

Damn, those guys are fast.

- I'm scared.

- Don't be scared, little lady.

- What's that on my hip?

- Nothing but a little goodbye hug.

Stan, I hate to admit it,

but I'm really scared too.

Well, I'm not scared.

I just don't know what to do.

Is this how it all ends?

No, it's not how it all ends!

We're gonna settle this the way

we settle everything around here

ever since the fire

destroyed our town.

How's that?

- Utilizing the ancient art of...

- Karaoke!

All right, freaks.

Tonight you will be given a chance

to beat these monsters in an event

that plays to your strengths...

- singing karaoke.

- Bam!

Now in case you don't know it,

here's what's at stake:

If Stan and the gang wins,

they get to go home alive

and the monsters must leave our town

and never come back!

Now if the monsters win,

they get to mutilate and kill

Stan and Nadine

and Teddy and Mia.

- No, that's "boo."

- You said "Stan"?

First up, the monsters.

Hey, Stan, there's no need

to feel down

We said, "Hey, Stan

Pick yourself off the ground"

We said, "Hey, Stan

'Cause you're in a new town

There's no need to be

Unhappy

Hey, Stan,

there's this thing you should know"

We said, "Hey, Stan,

when we're done with this show

You can stay here

and I'm sure you will find

That we're here to rape

and kill you"

We're here to kill S-T-A-N

It's fun to kill S-T-A-N

Our intentions are real

And you can't make a deal

This will be your last meal

Hey, Stan

Are you listening to me?

We said, "Hey, Stan

Who did you think you'd be?"

We said, "Hey, Stan,

we can crush all your dreams

Don't think you can escape us."

Well, I hate to say it,

but great job, monsters.

Not bad for a bunch

of murderous heathens.

But Stan and the gang are

gonna give it a shot.

Well, I know that it's getting late

But I just wanna go home

I'm in no hurry, baby,

time can wait

'Cause I just

wanna go home

Listen to the man sing his song

I just wanna go home

I don't mind if it takes

all night long

'Cause I just wanna go home

Listen, baby, I know

we had to try

To reach up and

touch the sky, baby

Whatever happened to

you and I?

But I just wanna go home

Lord, look at how

the people stare

Said I just wanna go home

In their minds

I know they've all been there

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