Stand Off Page #4

Gunman robs fish shop

with Thompson submachine gun.

Constable Gilday sees suspect

with small pistol.

Plus suspect is carrying

a bottle of wine and a pound of cod.

Do you think he stopped off

at the wine shop

for a nice Beaujolais and

left his Thompson on the counter?

This is your small pistol?

The perpetrator fired out that door

with a Thompson.

Our robber is in there.

My case, my crime scene.

You can await my instructions.

What is she doing here?

She was watching the store for me.

Oh, yeah? Is that all she was

watching for you?

- What do you mean?

- You're a big man

with the ladies, eh, aren't you?

- [Crying]

- Hey.

Okay, pick him up.

Pick him up.

No, not you.

You, you pick him up.

Yes, you.

You're gonna learn

a thing or two about children.

Pick him up.

- What?

- Pick him up.

All right.

[Farts]

Ah, Jesus.

He's... He's sh*t,

and I don't have any nappies.

I'll find something.

Uh, wait. Over here.

- Here. Here.

- Um...

- [farts]

- Oh, my...

No, you can't use that.

That's handmade Irish linen.

See, what did I tell you?

He doesn't give a sh*t about children.

That's not true.

You know, that feels like sandpaper.

Leave the door open so I can see.

No, see, he spun round.

Know what I mean?

He knocked the gun

right out of her hand.

Know what I mean?

He was very smooth.

I saw Matt Damon do

the same thing in Bourne 3.

And in 2. And in 1.

Well, it was very smooth.

He looked

very professional to me.

And then he, uh...

he ran into the shop.

No. Now, the next thing

that happened

was there was a big roaring.

[Imitates machine gun]

He must have got in that shop,

lifted the gun,

and fired it in a split-second.

Very, very professional.

Well, what do you

know about him?

Well, he's a Yank.

His name is Joe, Joe Maguire.

He's a cousin of the owner,

Peter Maguire.

Now, them Maguires,

they're from Peter's Hill.

they've been in that shop.

But what can you tell us

about this Joe Maguire?

He showed up

a lot of weeks ago.

Not very talkative.

Keeps himself to himself.

Know what I mean?

Is Peter in there with him?

No, no, no.

Peter's in Africa at the moment.

Actually he's over there building

one of them concern schools.

Uh, it's actually in Malawi.

Or is it Rwanda?

Any one of them places

needs a school.

He's very good with his hands, Peter.

Know what I mean?

Okay, thanks. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

No worries.

- We appreciate it.

- Right.

Jesus Christ.

Tell headquarters

to get on with the FBI

and give us all they have

on this Joe Maguire.

Have them check

into the Maguire family as well.

What's a concern school?

F***ed if I know.

It's a Catholic thing, you know.

Always concerned

about something.

Uh, I forgot to mention

the young lad.

What young lad?

I saw a young lad

getting into the shop,

pushing a pram.

No, he was walking up and down,

I'd say, before,

you know, with the pram,

trying to get the child to sleep,

I suppose.

And he goes into the shop.

Then the Yank Maguire goes in,

and then... whuh... started.

Know what I mean?

Very professional.

MAN:
Boss.

MAISIE:

I'm sorry, Douglas.

I'm not supposed to be

involved in that place, Ma.

I was there to get your cut.

I hid it from him.

Didn't recognize

his voice or anything?

No, Douglas.

He was wearing a balaclava.

He put on a bit of an accent.

He nearly sh*t when he saw me.

But I warned him. I told him

not to take the brown bag.

I told him he would die.

What did you tell the cops, Ma?

I told them nothing, son.

You never, ever told anybody

what was in that bag,

did you, Ma?

No, son.

I swear.

Are you sure about that, Ma?

Yes, son.

I'm sure.

I have to get that bag back.

- What's in it, M.D.?

- What's in it?

Trouble. Big trouble.

Let's give him a ring.

- [Sean coos]

- [Telephone ringing]

- Who is that?

- I don't know.

Answer it.

- Okay. Okay.

- Answer it.

Hello.

WELLER:

Is this Joe Maguire?

Yeah. Who's this?

Detective Inspector Weller.

All right, Joe.

What's this all about?

Noth... Nothing.

Nothing.

You could do nothing

just as well out here.

Why don't you come on out, eh?

Throw out the gun.

Come out with your hands up.

No.

WELLER:
What is it you want, Joe?

Hmm?

- Uh...

- Just tell me what you want,

and we'll... we'll see

what we can work out.

All you have to do

is lift the phone...

- What do you want?

- [Sighs]

Give me a minute.

Uh...

Wait a minute.

Why was he asking

you what you wanted?

- I...

- What was all that shooting about

when you came running in here?

Were the police chasing you?

[Telephone ringing]

- Something's not right here.

- You...

Okay, you say exactly what I write.

- You hear me?

- All right, I...

- Okay.

- I swear to God

I'm gonna shoot someone.

- They're gonna ask you what you want.

- No.

No, I think they're

gonna ask you what you want.

Please, answer the phone.

Okay, um,

tell them you want a plane.

Very original. Where to?

Never you mind where to.

I'll figure that out in a minute.

[Line rings]

- JOE:
Hello.

- What happened, Maguire?

JOE:
I was angry.

Angry at what?

- Me.

- You're angry at yourself? Hmm.

- [Presses button]

- Hello?

Not you. The cops.

You're angry at the cops.

WELLER:
Hello? Hello?

- [Beeps]

- What the...

Listen,

this thing has a hair trigger.

One good sneeze,

and it'll blow your head off.

- Okay, okay.

- Okay.

Don't be making me mad.

Jesus Christ.

All right.

JOE:
I'm back.

Don't get angry again, Joe.

We want a plane.

"We"?

[Helicopter whirring]

Who's "we"?

Uh, there's six of us,

and we're all armed,

so don't even think

about coming in here.

[Hangs up]

- [Sighs]

- Well, boss?

He says there's six of 'em in there,

and they're all armed.

INSPECTOR:
Six of them?

Oh, boy.

What do you really want?

Never you mind.

He wants me.

How do you know?

Because that woman

would go to the ends

of the Earth to get me.

She's nuts.

[Bullets fire]

Aah! Jesus!

Please don't shoot us, mister.

Please, mister. Please.

- [Crowd yelling]

- What was that?

JIMBO:
What are you two

doing in there?

We were sleeping. I swear.

I get it.

It's a Trojan horse.

No, mister. It's not a horse.

This is me da's couch, honest.

Get the two of them

out of there.

Get out, quickly.

- Come here.

- Get out.

You're hiding in there,

and you wait until I close

so you can rob the place.

No, mister, I swear.

We was watching TV and fell asleep.

Me da must have gone

and sold the couch.

We're going home, mister.

Yeah, me ma

will have the tea made.

Jesus Christ, shut up.

Sit down, the pair of you.

You're not going anywhere.

Go. Sit down.

- [Telephone ringing]

- Answer that.

- What?

- WELLER:
Is anybody hurt in there?

No, it's nothing.

It was just an accident.

[Hangs up]

[Radio] Repeat. Shots fired

in Scotch Street.

[Southern American accent] What we

have here is a failure to communicate.

[Hangs up]

Cool Hand Luke.

Paul Newman.

It's only one of the best films

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