Stand Up Guys: The Stand Up Songs of Jon Bon Jovi Page #2

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- No, it wasn't.

Uh-oh.

What?

Mount Everest just moved into my pants.

So...

all systems go?

Oh, yeah.

I'm so f***ing hard...

I could cut a diamond.

- You shouldn't have taken so many.

- Oh, f*** that.

My old friend.

- Are you ready, Val?

- Ooh, ah, whoa...

You don't know. I never been more ready.

- Let us go.

- Oh, yes.

Come on.

Next smile you see,

will be on Oxana's face.

He's my only son.

- Aw...

- I'm coming in to use the phone, OK?

Paul, where's my

f***ing Kung Pao Chicken?

- It's on it's way. You got a call.

- F*** my ass. Gimme the phone.

Claphands here.

It's Doc.

Would the package be delivered on time?

I can't do what I said I would do.

Well then, if you

can't deliver the package,

then you won't be

a friend of mine any longer.

Do I need to become more explicit here?

No.

No.

I didn't think so.

How long do I have?

What do you mean "how long do you have"?

To deliver the package.

How long do I have?

I don't f***ing believe this sh*t.

Do I have dementia? Paul, who's

the President of the United States?

- Um...

- Shut the f*** up!

You have until morning.

What, like ten,

or later, like brunch time?

This is like talking to Conchita my maid

Kill him by 10 o'clock in the AM,

or you're dead too.

Motherf***er shoots my only son!

The only reason I've let you live

was for this. We clear?

- We're clear.

- Then good night.

Wendy, Wendy.

Doc.

- Everything all right?

- No, but thank you for asking.

Bet you're the type of man who wouldn't

let a lady drink by herself, huh?

Of course not.

Just a pfft taste.

This is good stuff.

Ah...

Doc, my mother always told me to do the

best with what you have, where you are.

Your mother was something.

Oh... Ah...

So, did everything work this time,

Valentine?

Four times. It worked. I coulda

gone again, but she's all worn out.

- Good for you.

- Come on, let's blow this pop stand.

Wendy, for everything, thank you.

Hope we find peace, Doc.

- Me too.

- I feel so ready to party.

Bye, Smiley.

Those girls look like they wanna party.

- Why embarrass yourself?

- Ah...

Embarrass myself?

We're doing a battle of the balls. This

goes up and down like a f***ing yo-yo.

Pray for me.

Hey, ladies.

Whaddya say, whaddya know?

It's me, Jack-a-Mo.

Shouldn't you be in bed?

In bed?

Baby...

I got a python in my pants...

harder than the Rock of Gibral...

Don't talk to me.

- Can we go home now?

- Oh, no. Definitely not now.

We don't go home.

We're just gettin' started, buddy.

I need uh, 20 bucks. I'll be right back.

- What are you doing, Val?

- Just give it to me, I'm not asking.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, can you help a brother out?

What's happening?

I want you to play

something a lil' different.

You know, like when music was still

music, when it had a lil' soul.

- Ah, ya talking old school.

- Old school, yeah.

Right, yeah, there's not much call

for old school around here.

Well, tonight may be different, OK?

- I think it could be.

- I can trust you, right? Slow.

- You can trust me.

- Don't let me down.

Hey, I'm back.

First of all, I just want to say,

it was rude, what I did.

- Yes.

- And I deserve everything you gave me.

I apologize. You forgive me?

Anyway, do you like to dance?

- Mm-hmm.

- Lisa.

Listen, Lisa, um, I'm Valentine.

My friends call me Val,

and here's the situation.

I've been away for a long time.

I mean, where, I can't say, but

I really need you to dance with me.

Now, I'm not gonna ask you to go home

with me, I'm not gonna try to kiss you,

or you know, feel your ass, or anything.

I just wanna dance. One song.

That's all I'm proposing. Two people...

holdin' each other,

smiling at time, nothing else.

After that, you'll never see me,

or hear from me...

again. I promise.

How's that sound to you, Lisa?

Whaddya think?

- All right, Val.

- All right, that's good.

Give your glass to me.

When Something is Wrong with My Baby

Performed by:
Sam & Dave

When something is wrong

with my baby

Something is wrong

with me

And if I know

she is worried

Then well I know I would feel

the same little misery

But we've been through

so much together

We stand as one

And that's what makes it better

When something is wrong

with my baby

Something is wrong with me

And that is all, y'all

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

What can I say?

Lemme see this.

For cataracts.

Yeah?

If I blow 'em maybe they'll gimme a buzz

Ah...

Hey, buddy.

Hmm...

Ooh, goddamn, what else you got?

Lemme try it.

Aldactone, got some for hypertension.

OK, motherfuckers, here you go.

Never know what can

- come out of this sh*t.

- Nice.

Hey, hey, hey, listen, no drugs at

the bar. You want to do drugs, have the

- courtesy to take it to the bathroom.

- No, no, no, no, it's prescription.

I got the hypertension.

Well, you find that funny, I don't.

No, no, no, listen,

what else can I get you guys?

Yeah, we want a couple of drinks to go.

- To go?

- Yeah.

- Uh, that's illegal.

- And this isn't?

- Here, let's make it legal.

- Okay.

You got it.

Ah...

Hmph, what's this?

Um, just trying to see what time it is?

You know what time it is?

You wanna move back a little, sonny boy?

Says so right there.

Yeah, it's gettin' kinda late.

- Isn't it?

- Mm-hmm.

Come on, let's go.

What was that?

- Stupid jerk.

- Strange.

All our friends...

all our business associates...

out of sight, out of mind.

You're the only one...

who kept in touch.

- I know, Val.

- Let me talk for two f***ing seconds.

You...

sent me...

those care packages.

And those paintings...

I never told you how beautiful they were

- Thank you.

- Can I talk for two f***ing seconds?

I'm serious.

I never told ya.

I would stare at...

those paintings.

I could feel...

the sun rising.

I could feel it.

Thank you, Val.

You're my only friend.

You are mine.

Sit in the car, come on.

Oh, boy...

- I'm still hard, is that a problem?

- It is, actually.

- I feel kinda light-headed.

- It's all right.

- Ah...

- Let's get your leg in there.

- Oh, sh*t.

- It's all right.

Mm-hmm.

Oh... uh-oh.

"Uh-oh" what?

I think I'm gonna pass out.

"How Long"

Performed by:
Charles Bradley

How long

must I keep going on?

How long

must I keep going on?

To see

all these pains in the world

How long?

Oh...

Tell me, tell me

Tell me

How long?

Oh...

Wake up.

I'm up.

- Val, wake up.

- I'm up, I'm up.

- You OK?

- I don't think so.

Am I gonna die?

Not tonight.

Well, it's OK, you know.

You-you-you could... you could tell me.

Tell me straight, all right? I-I just...

Not on my watch.

OK.

- Doc, you there?

- Yeah.

I just wanna know if something's

gonna happen, that's all. I-I just...

I like to know what's gonna happen.

I like information, OK?

Hirsch?

Who's that?

It's Hirschey's daughter.

You're Hirschey's daughter.

Are you kidding me?

You got so big.

- I knew you when you was little.

- Yeah, time flies, right?

I'm f***in' dying, I'm dying.

- What?

- I'm f***ing dying.

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