Stand Up Guys: The Stand Up Songs of Jon Bon Jovi Page #3

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- I'm so dizzy.

- Rest.

- Oh...

- Take a deep breath.

Ah...

Relax, he's not dying. Doctor's

gonna be here in a couple of minutes.

- How is your father?

- His emphysema's pretty bad.

He's over at The Lighthouse Nursing Home

these days, ever since mom died.

- He's hanging in.

- For your 10th birthday, we were there.

I threw you up in the air.

- That was you?

- I threw you up in the air

and I caught you.

Remember that?

I felt like I was flying.

I remember you catching me.

Remember that? I'm glad.

How'd... Oh, help. Have mercy.

You were in jail, right?

- Yeah, s-so what?

- What'd you do?

I'm supposed to answer that? F***, I-I-I

got like no blood in my brain any more.

- He had some bad luck is all.

- Oh, yeah, well, I know all about that.

- Excuse me.

- Yup.

- Take a quick look.

- Mm-hmm.

- How many pills did he take?

- A fistful.

- I see.

- Are you a real doctor?

Are you a real patient?

Is that a real penis?

Mr. Valentine, you have

what is called vein-induced priapism.

Now, I can give you some blood thinners

to open things up a bit, but, uh...

old blood's gotta be removed,

in order for fresh blood to flow in.

- Removed in what way, removed?

- What's he talk...

- Oh!

- Oh, f*** me.

OK, let's relax.

What is this? Where are you going, Doc?

Where are you going?

I'm outta here.

- Oh, no, what are you doing?

- I'll be... I'll be in the waiting room

Look at me, breathe.

- Maybe I partied a lil' too hard.

- Maybe a little.

I don't have, uh...

health insurance.

- I paid the bill.

- OK.

So who's gonna do it?

- Do what?

- You know what.

I don't.

Let's just drop

the "welcome home" thing, OK? I know.

- Hey there, Doc.

- Hey, Alex.

- Who's your friend?

- This is my best friend...

Valentine. Alex,

he just got back from a long trip.

Well, how was your trip, Valentine?

Oh it was... um, I'm just glad I'm back,

and I don't answer to the name Valentine

- My friends call me Val.

- OK, well, then I'll call you Val, Val.

- Well, then we're friends.

- Yeah, you can never have enough.

- Yeah, you're right, there.

- Doc and I, well, we've been friends

- for a while now, haven't we?

- We have.

I remember the very first time

he walked in here.

- You remember that?

- Sure I do.

I hate to break up this "remembering

the more wistful times", but...

- I'm-I'm a little on the peckish side.

- Sure, what'll it be tonight, fellas?

- Uh, a tea and lemon, please.

- OK.

Uh, I'll have the Surf n' Turf...

and a Root Beer Float.

All right,

how do you like your steak done, Val?

Bloody.

- Coming right up.

- Yeah.

- Enjoy your dinner, Ernie.

- Can I have a little more?

Is she always so sweet?

Every day I walk outta here,

I'm always better.

Yeah.

So who's gonna do it?

I don't know.

- It's you, isn't it.

- I don't know.

It's you. Come on, just say it. It's you

Whaddya think this is here, I'm gonna

blame you for anything? A job is a job.

If the roles were reversed,

I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Come on, man, say it's you!

It's me.

Claphands.

He's got a mean streak in him, no?

- Bit of an understatement.

- Yeah.

Meanest, most vindictive motherf***er...

outside the Devil himself.

First couple of years I was inside...

I had my head on a swivel, you know,

I was looking here, looking there.

What the f*** is gonna happen,

and when is it gonna happen?

Is it gonna happen in the laundry room,

on the yard, or am I gonna get it

in the f***ing cafetaria?

That's-that's all I thought about,

and then I understood somethin'.

He's gonna make me...

serve every single day of my sentence.

So, it would end up just like this.

So, how were you gonna do it?

In my apartment, while you're asleep.

You see?

Thats got no flavor, thats got no style.

Come on, what is that?

While I'm asleep.

How do you think I should do it?

I don't.

There's the rub.

He put his son on the job.

This was a bad idea.

OK, fine, I'm not gonna ask questions.

First sign of trouble...

the kid panics,

starts shooting everywhere...

catches my bullet...

in the crossfire.

- Could've been anybody's.

- I was there, I know.

This was an accident.

How's it my fault?

I'm a f***ing stand-up guy,

I took the fall for everyone.

You did, I know that.

And they pressed me.

I didn't say a word, not a f***ing word.

And...

this is what it comes to.

When did Claphands give you this job?

The day...

you went in.

- For 28 years, he was sittin' on you.

- Yes.

Now, that is f***ed.

Here's your tea, Doc.

Root Beer Float for you.

And that's the Surf n' Turf.

Alex, can I say that...

this is the best Surf n' Turf

I've seen in all my travels.

Yeah?

- Can I say that?

- That's very kind of you to say, Val.

- Are you OK, Doc?

- Yeah.

So when are you gonna do it?

By ten this morning, it has to be done.

OK.

Oh, nope, this doesn't work.

What time is it now?

That's-that's about nine hours.

Yeah.

Let's get in the car.

Hey, man, let's... Why don't we

skedaddle down the road a bit.

I wanna walk off this, uh...

Surf n' Turf with a Root

Beer Float, you know...

my digestion.

Sure.

So, what are my options now?

You could run.

They'd find me.

You might buy some time.

- But if I run...

- What?

You're not gonna have

any friends any more.

True, but...

You'd have a head start at least.

Ah... better this way.

- How's it better?

- It's better because...

- then I can say goodbye.

- I don't want you to say goodbye.

Well, what do you want me to say then?

I have to say goodbye.

There's nothing left for me to say.

Hold up.

- Something has presented itself.

- What?

What?

What kind of a big, beautiful...

- beast of a car is this?

- Val, no.

I think she's lonely.

I think she wants us to take her out.

On a date.

This car belongs to the Jargoniew

brothers. I happen to know them.

A-a-and that's supposed to

mean somethin' to me?

Nobody messes with these guys.

These are the type of guys,

take yer kidneys out, not even sell them

If we only had a coat hanger, right?

You can't open a car

- with a coat hanger any more, Val.

- Says who?

Says the people who make cars.

What kinda a**hole

keeps a car like this open?

These guys don't worry about

somebody stealing their car, Val.

They better start.

- Come on.

- These guys, I'm telling you...

These morons even left the key.

What the...

where does this f***ing key go?

This is not a good idea, Val.

Yeah, well, my life

is full of "not good ideas."

How do you start it, you know how?

- They make cars differently these days.

- Yeah, so you know how to do it?

- Put your foot on the brake.

- Yeah.

- And press that button.

- This button?

See?

- Holy sh*t, f***.

- Whoa...

Where to?

Where to? Whaddya think?

- Our friend needs rescuing.

- Yes.

Whoa... I don't ever wanna end up

in one of these places.

Me too.

- Hey, excuse me.

- Yeah?

Would you happen to know

where Richard Hirsch's room is?

- I like Hirsch. Are you his friends?

- Yeah, the best.

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