Stand Up Guys: The Stand Up Songs of Jon Bon Jovi Page #4

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His room is...

down at the end of the hall,

and to your left.

Thanks a bunch.

- Hey, are you here to rescue him?

- How'd you know?

I wish somebody would come and rescue me

We all do, honey.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- I feel like I'm dreaming.

- Hirsch.

You're still here. We're all still here.

You f***ing guys, its like the old days.

So?

Get me the f*** outta here.

- Get me outta here.

- Here.

- Yeah.

- Ah...

Wait a second, let me get a hit.

Let's escape.

You want us to bring that?

- Nada, let's roll.

- You better get dressed.

Oh, man, the sweet taste of freedom.

We got a ride?

This is it.

- Huh?

- Right here.

Oh, man.

You get to drive it.

- Oh-ho.

- OK.

Oop... Ah...

- There's no leg room here.

- Yeah.

Tight back here, I just banged my head.

The hell with your leg room.

I'm 6' 2", let's go.

- Ey.

- The situation is not ideal.

- You're a master.

- Yeah, I was.

- You are.

- I was.

- You don't forget that stuff.

- You're a master, Hirsch.

Four minutes ago,

you were sittin' in a dying house.

Now you're sittin' in this beast

of a car, you know. The situation's OK.

Is that right? Gimme the key.

There's no key.

- Don't f*** around, gimme the key.

- It's new. It's a button.

- And it's automatic.

- You push the button.

- A button?

- It's computers.

- Is it here?

- Yeah.

You put-put your foot on the brake

at the same time.

- All right.

- OK?

- Yeah.

- Can we go now?

Well, it's a million dials here.

I never saw this before.

Man, this is like the future.

Oh-ho!

Very nice.

So, Hirsch...

Whaddya been doing

since the last time I saw you.

Grieving, mostly.

- Ah, me too.

- A different kind, I guess.

Hey, I'm sorry for your loss.

Sorry about Julie.

Well you know, she was in a lot of pain.

- Yup.

- Uh... Whaddya say.

So how's your health?

Well, they took something out of me

a couple of months ago.

What'd they take out?

I don't know. I didn't ask.

It's none of business.

But I'm a little more streamlined now,

a little more aerodynamic.

- Which way is the highway?

- Not the highway, Hirsch.

Which way is the highway?

I'm not gonna ask again.

- Go left.

- Go left, young man.

- Go left!

- Yo!

- So I got into gardening.

- Where? In the joint?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, Julie was into that.

- No, yeah?

- Yeah.

I got quite a little green thumb, fellas

- I'm not surprised.

- Whoa!

I knew a guy got out, committed a crime,

in order to get back in, so he could see

how his garden was going.

Sounds like you loved it too.

Loved it? I love it. I mean, I still do.

Uh-oh.

"Uh-oh" what?

- Don't worry, I can lose 'em.

- I got paroled today.

We're driving in a stolen car,

and I imagine you're carrying a weapon.

I am.

- So?

- So...

I'm already f***ed five ways to Sunday.

Let's rumble!

We got two of them.

I can see, I can see.

Hirsch, remember the time

in that shitbox car, with the Chinaman?

Yeah, I do.

I think you should do that again.

- You do, huh?

- I do.

Hey, Hirsch, nice driving, by the way.

- Thanks.

- I mean, you still got it, buddy.

- Yeah, I do, don't I?

- Yeah, absolutely.

- That was intense. I got a rush.

- Hey, I threw up in my mouth.

So when'd you get out, Val?

Today.

- Today?

- Yeah.

- Get the hell outta here.

- No, yeah, ask Doc.

- No kidding.

- Yeah.

- We got sprung on the same day.

- It's nice you can share that.

- 28 years.

- 28 f***ing years.

You did your time like a man, Val.

You're a stand-up all the way.

Well, you know,

you and Doc would have done the same.

Well, I would like to think so.

It's possible, either way is possible,

but you did it, Val.

True. I can't believe...

you guys didn't work together...

- all this time.

- Nope.

No, no, no,

Claphands retired us, that was that.

And it was.

He can't forgive himself,

so everybody else has gotta pay.

So whaddya wanna do now you're out, Val?

I always wanted to finish high school.

Learn more about the human condition.

How about you, Hirsch?

Is there anything in this life,

that you haven't done...

that

you would like to have a chance to do?

Two girls at the same time.

- That's very doable, no, Doc?

- Yeah, done and done.

Back so soon?

One more time,

you get the free coffee mug.

Wendy, we'd like you to meet

our associate, Richard Hirsch.

How're you doin'?

Hullo.

He's looking for, what is known

in French, as the "mnage trois."

Shi--t.

Oxana's the only one working, uh...

Irena fell down the stairs.

Oh, what about you?

Who, me?

No... I don't do it for money. I just...

Well, we won't pay ya.

Oh...

Excuse me, uh, what's your name?

Wendy.

...you're gonna have

the greatest experience of your life...

up to you whether you wanna experience..

...to me and that big a deal.

- Do you promise?

- I swear to God.

OK.

But it costs triple!

- Shouldn't it be double?

- Yeah, it should.

Doc, if you please.

I guess.

Oxana.

Go easy on him, girls.

If I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't...

I wouldn't believe it.

He would pump it up on a vacuum cleaner.

Yeah?

He said, every day he would just...

whatever he did,

he watched TV, he listened to the radio.

Now, he would atta... you know,

the attachment on a vacuum cleaner.

Now,

what do you call the thing that they...

- It's a nozzle.

- The nozzle.

Yeah, but it's like, for taking

the stuff off the corners of the couch.

- I mean why do you put your dick in it.

- It doesn't matter because

it stretched his dick, and his dick

kept getting bigger and bigger.

There's other ways. There's a

Chinese thing I heard about. It's a jar.

They put bees in it. You put it

on your schlong. The bees bite yer dick.

- Hello.

- It-it gets all swollen, huge.

Yeah, but, uh, where do you put it?

I don't know. It's good for show anyway.

Well, that makes so much sense.

Hirsch has been up there a long time.

Well, good for him.

Whoa, here he comes!

So...

- pipes still workin'?

- You could put it that way.

OK. Jesus, that's enough.

I do not know the

English word for what I feel.

- "Surprised"?

- I think it's called "lust," darling.

- "Love." That is close enough.

- Good, OK.

- I didn't know you had it in ya.

- I did.

Hirsch...

Hello. Oh...

OK. All right.

It's like a gum commercial.

- You've ruined me for any other man.

- It's OK, you'll get over it.

Call me.

- Bye.

- Thank you.

Hey, Hirsch...

Who knew you were a freak in bed.

Huh?

Wow, ya gotta feel great, no?

- I don't feel that great.

- Why the f*** not?

I-I never went out on my wife before,

it makes me feel like a piece of sh*t.

Hirschey, for Christ's sakes,

she been dead for ages.

We were married for 40 f***in' years!

You don't get over that in five minutes.

"Hoochie Coochie Man"

Performed by:
Muddy Waters

The gypsy woman told my mother

Before I was born

I got a boy child's comin'

He's gonna be a son of a gun

Slow down!

- The cops are not following us.

- The adrenaline keeps me alert.

If he slows down, he may fall asleep.

Then the world wanna know

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