Stand Up Guys: The Stand Up Songs of Jon Bon Jovi Page #5

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What this all about

What's that?

- What the...

- Was that us?

- What was that?

- Wait a minute.

Sh*t, man, it's the trunk.

Someone's in the trunk.

Yeah, yeah.

- OK, let's pull over.

- No, pull over. That's not good.

That's a human sound there.

You know I'm the hoochie coochie man

Everybody knows I'm him

F***in'... here.

- So, we go on "three," right?

- Look how I'm doing this.

One... two... three!

Oh, man...

- Get the gag out, get the gag out.

- Yeah.

- Jesus Christ, who was driving?

- Me. I was driving.

- Jesus...

- How did you get in this trunk?

- I'm on vacation.

- What does that mean?

- Get me outta here.

- OK, OK.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- I'm freezin'.

- Who are you?

- I'm a friend of yours. Put this on.

My friend?

Hirsch, listen,

you're gonna have to give me your pants.

Why?

Because she's naked.

She's gonna need somethin' to wear.

I'm not giving her my pants.

End of story.

Come on, she's got no clothes on.

Give her your pants.

You wanna give her some pants?

Give her your pants.

No, I'm not gonna give her my pants.

I gave her my jacket. My pants are

important to me. Gimme, give, come on.

What makes you the arbiter

of whose pants are important,

and whose pants are not important?

You don't need pants.

You sit in the car driving. What the...

- How the f*** you need pants to drive?

- I don't need pants?

I gotta go out and walk around.

Come on, give...

I'm not giving her my f***ing pants!

End of story.

- OK. So, that's your final offer?

- I'm not making any offers.

OK, plan B... Doc!

Song, how're you doing?

Do you sell women's clothing here?

Do it look like it?

My friend just asked you a question,

a polite question.

Could you give him a polite answer?

Ay, hijo chaqueta. You no hear so good,

old man, or you just stupid?

- See that?

- Hey, your jab still looks pretty good.

- You think so?

- Yeah.

I thought I...

I didn't get my hips into it.

No, no, no, it had a nice snap to it.

Thanks for saying so.

He's OK.

- You need anything?

- Just my bill.

I think we should know

certain things about her.

Here she comes.

Hey, look at that, clothes fit.

- Feeling better?

- A little. Starvin'.

Ahem, so, Sylvia, why don't we, uh,

continue where we left off?

So I was standing, waiting for a cab.

This car pulls up. Nice car. Nice smile.

Asked me if I needed a ride.

I was late, so I said, "Sure."

Wow, you know, you shouldn't

accept rides from strangers.

- Go f*** yourself, all right?

- Hoo, ah, OK.

"Go f*** yerself," I like this girl.

There was another guy in the backseat

who I didn't see.

He tied me up, took me to this warehouse

There were two other guys there.

They were just laughing, whatever.

Pretty soon, I was naked, and, uh,

figure out the rest.

- So you never saw these guys before.

- Never.

What do you think,

I put myself in the trunk?

How's everybody doing over here?

Good, thank you, Alex.

Doc, I didn't know

you had so many friends.

Me too.

Well, let me know

if I can get you anything else.

I'm fine, thanks.

Anyway, I passed out for a while, and um

woke up naked in the trunk of a car.

Now I'm sittin' here with you three with

a friggin' Korean janitor outfit on.

I had a dog named Sylvia.

I loved that dog.

I think about her every day.

There's so goddamned much I wanna forget

Where was this warehouse?

Show me where you found the car,

and I'll show you the place.

We stole the car on Rodney Street,

belongs to the Jargoniew brothers.

Total degenerate lowlifes.

Animals.

Maybe we could do somethin'

about this situation.

So what do you guys wanna do about it?

What, you're gonna f*** 'em up

with a pair of pliers?

It's only the beginning.

- Holy sh*t. Who are you guys?

- Remember that?

- Oh, my baby, I've missed you.

- Mr. Hirsch...

- Remember me? I do this.

- Uh-huh.

- What time is it?

- I don't know. What time is it?

It's time...

to kick ass...

or chew gum.

And guess what?

I'm all outta gum.

- Hey, Val...

- Yeah.

It's like the old days, isn't it?

- No, it's better.

- Yeah, why?

Because this time, we can appreciate it.

- Yeah, that's right. That's the reason.

- See you soon.

I'll be right here.

- Yeah, OK, you see the place...

- Mm-hmm.

You tell us, and then you take off, OK?

We're just three people, walking

down the street, nothing suspicious.

This is it.

Around the corner.

OK, you need to go home now, Sylvia.

- No, I wanna watch.

- Oh, no, honey, nobody watches us work.

Besides, there may be

five or six guys in there, you know.

Just the two of us. It may not turn out

the way we would hope.

- All right, so what? I-I can help.

- Go home, get some rest.

- No.

- We can't know...

- what's on the other side of that door.

- No... No.

- I don't think she's gonna listen.

- No, she seems, uh, firm about it.

- She's not gonna leave.

- Listen, honey...

Why don't you wait here

about 10 minutes, and then come on in.

Why are you doing this for me?

I don't understand the question.

You don't even know me.

It's true,

but I know ya, at the same time.

- Makes me sick, what they did to you.

- They're f***in' animals.

- There used to be consequences.

- Exactly.

They think they can do things like this

to people, and get away with it.

Well, we're the f***in' consequences.

And now for my next trick...

Gimme those picks.

It's probably open.

You're right.

Hey, fellas, what's going on?

- F*** did you get in here?

- We're friends of Sylvia.

Yeah, you remember Sylvia.

The naked girl you put in your trunk.

The f*** you know about... trunk!

All right...

Anybody else wanna get shot?

OK.

Remember, fellas...

You reap what you sow.

Yes, I'd like to report

a large cache of weapons and drugs.

What's the address here?

- It's Rodney Street.

- I know that. What-what number?

Oh, what's your number here?

I asked you a question.

- Go f*** yerself.

- Ooh...

I didn't hear the number.

- 172.

- 172.

Thank you so much. Have a great night.

You're your own worst f***ing enemy.

Oh... oh, dear.

Oh, f***.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Remember her?

Belle of the ball.

I think it's time for us to exit.

Stage left.

- OK, Sylvie...

- Yeah?

You know, you got about eight minutes

before the cops call.

Thank you.

Good luck!

- Good luck, fellas.

- Enjoy.

You guys like the ballet, don't you?

"The Nutcracker" was my favorite.

Owwwww!

Here. Here's your gun back.

- Ahhhhh!

- I got blood all over my jacket.

Look at this.

You can wash them.

You use the biological stuff.

- It takes the stains right out.

- What the f*** is that, biological?

I'm telling you,

it'll take that stain right out.

No, you can't get these stains out,

no matter how many times you wash 'em.

A blood stain stays in.

You can't get this f***ing stuff out.

We'll get you a new suit.

- A new suit?

- Yeah.

That's a different conversation.

What's going on here?

What's this?

Hey!

- It's always somethin', ain't it?

- Yeah.

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