Stand Up Guys: The Stand Up Songs of Jon Bon Jovi Page #6

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- He got his last wish.

- Yeah.

- We got to work together again.

- Yeah, we got to work together again.

So...

I think we should bury him.

Hirsch.

- Uh, you know where Nina Hirsch works?

- I think she's over there.

- Hey, Nina, remember us?

- Sure. How's your pecker?

It's all right.

Uh, listen, uh, your dad's dead.

- What?

- We're sorry.

But, how do you know he's dead?

Well, we-we-we took him for a night out

is all, and well, you know, he died.

Where is he?

He's outside in a stolen sports car,

in the front seat.

- See?

- He's still warm.

It didn't happen, uh,

more than 30 minutes ago.

- What were you guys doing?

- Having fun just like old times.

- He went out with a bang.

- Is there a family plot or something?

We thought we should bury him.

You... you wanna bury him now?

Tonight?

Well, for us, it's gotta be tonight.

They won't miss this.

Give it to you, Hirsch.

Here you go, my boy.

I think Hirsch will be glad

to be next to your mother.

He bought this plot when I was four.

He told me...

"Darlin', just come visit me from time

to time. Let me know how it's going."

Dad, it's going OK.

You taught me that the best thing

a person could be is of some use.

You were of so much use to me.

Always.

Val, we should say something too.

Would you do it.

I'm not good at stuff like this.

Yeah.

OK, I could do it.

Uh, Hirsch was a good friend.

I remember one time, uh,

we robbed this liquor store.

And, he ran over a dog.

He cried for two days over that dog.

Anyway, he will be missed...

by so many of us that God left behind.

He was a witness to our lives.

Not many of those left.

So there's one less person on this earth

who knows our name,

who remembers our childhood.

Who shared in each moment as it passed.

You know, they say, we die twice.

Once, when the breath leaves our body,

and once...

when the last person we know

says our name.

And then...

Hirsch's life will be forgotten,

like all the other poor...

fucks that ever had the glory of livin'.

Amen.

- Amen.

- Amen.

- What?

- Nothing. That was really good.

It was good?

- Best I ever heard.

- You think so?

- Really good, bro.

- F*** you.

- Thank you, Valentine.

- Uh yeah well, it was nothing. I just..

No, Valentine, listen to me...

- Thank you.

- It's OK.

Thank you.

Good night.

- Nothing you could say about that.

- Nah.

So, uh... you gonna do my eulogy?

I'm working on it.

How much time I got left?

Four hours, about.

Well, I could use a steak. You hungry?

- Yeah.

- Let's go.

And after breakfast,

we'll get you a new suit.

Then you can shoot me in the head,

so it doesn't f*** up my suit.

That's right. I shoot you in the head.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Look at this. My car is still here.

What, are you surprised?

Who's gonna wanna take that

piece of sh*t?

- Well, good morning, fellas.

- Hi, Alex.

Now, are you two up early,

or are you going to bed late?

And what's going on here

with all this dirt?

- Yeah, well, you know...

- Gardenin'.

We've been doing a spot of

late night gardenin'.

- Huh.

- Oh, yeah, you should try it some time.

Boy, you look at you, young lady. You're

pulling a long shift tonight, huh?

Yeah, I don't sleep.

I sort of like being awake when

everyone else is sleeping, you know?

Gives me a sense of, um...

- Being alive.

- Yes.

- I know the feeling, believe me.

- OK, so, what'll it be, Doc?

- Uh, two eggs over easy.

- Of course.

And I will have a steak, waffles, uh,

Greek omelet, Greek salad, banana malt.

- And another steak, and a coffee.

- And a coffee.

- Oh, and a muffin.

- And a muffin.

- If you don't mind.

- I don't mind.

- You are a very hungry man, Val.

- Uh, I'm leaving on a long trip.

Oh, just when

we're gettin' to know each other.

Uh, yeah, ain't that too bad.

- Hmm, I'll put that order right in.

- Yeah.

I'm gonna take a wild guess here,

but Alex, the waitress,

is your granddaughter, no?

Yes.

- You gotta tell her.

- I'm going to.

Oh, yeah? Why haven't you told already?

- I can't.

- How come?

You can.

Believe me.

- The truth will set you free, brother.

- OK, but not today.

- Then when?

- Tomorrow.

- Tomorrow. You promise?

- Tomorrow, tell her everything.

OK, tomorrow.

My last meal.

Yeah.

- Don't go sentimental on me now.

- Excuse me.

- Here you go.

- Yeah.

Thank you.

- So, Val...

- So, Alex...

Do you mind if I sit?

No, go ahead, please.

So Doc comes in here

every morning, you know?

Mm-hmm.

And he always orders

the same exact thing.

Oh, the tyranny of habit.

It's me.

Is it done?

What is he like?

I can't help but wonder about

most of my customers, but...

- I wonder about him the most.

- Well, I don't know, you know...

What do you, uh,

what do you imagine he's like?

Please, mercy, is all I'm saying, mercy.

I know it was your only son. I know what

that must be like, but...

Please? Please?

Please bring back my only son!

See how far "please" gets you!

We're all out of mercy here.

Why?

He'll be dead soon enough. Just give him

a few more years. What's the difference?

- What is the f***ing difference?

- How's Alex, fuckface?

What?

Alex. You know who I'm talking about.

I betcha my left nut,

you can see the b*tch right this second.

It would be a f***ing shame

to see such a young honey get into

an awful accident. F***in' waste, yeah?

- You wouldn't.

- Oh, really?

Are you sure?

I imagine he's a man who knows

what it's like to be alone.

To live life with a lot of regret.

And, that maybe he comes here every day

just to be around other people.

Even if it's only for a half an hour,

just, just to be around people.

That's right. That's exactly right.

Sometimes...

what we imagine

and the world aren't different things.

Sometimes they're the same, exact thing.

Yeah, I thought so.

Finish this fucknut,

or accidents can, and will happen.

I think your food is ready. You know,

I wish we could've talked more, Val.

Me too.

It was nice sittin' here with you.

Yeah, it was.

Is this church open?

Church is always open.

Yeah?

So, you start or do I start, I-I forgot.

- Uh, you do.

- I do. Right, OK, so, um...

- forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

- How long since your last confession?

Um, 60 years, give or take a few.

OK.

Now, confess each and every serious sin

that separates you from Christ.

Oh, no, no, or we'd be here forever.

Father, can we just deal

with what happened today.

So far...

I shot a guy in the kneecap,

and one in the arm.

I, uh...

stole a bunch of prescription drugs,

and a sweet-ass car.

Punched a Korean store clerk

in the face, and took his clothes.

And f***ed a Russian hooker, four times.

That was all...

- today?

- Uh...

since noon yesterday, yeah.

But I did some good things too, Father.

I-I, uh...

I buried a friend. I, uh...

helped this young woman

take her life back, and, uh...

I eased my best friend's pain.

And for...

I kept my mouth shut.

So...

can I say a Hail Mary and be done here?

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