Stanley Park Page #2

Don't be a nob jockey!

You will be!

What?

Nothing.

God, we're so Sex In The City,

ain't we?

I'm like the Carrie Bradshaw

of Croydon.

Even though Raggy thinks she is.

And you, you're like

that Stanford Blatch.

You know, the bald gay one

with glasses. Oh, piss off.

You're so Samantha, anyway.

What, cos I can get anyone I want?

Not really like you're aiming

that high, though, is it?

Er. 'Scuse me.

I got winked at

by Harry Stevens this morning.

And he called me gorgeous.

I doubt that, sugartits.

Are you sayin' he's

out of my league? Um, yeah!

Well, you know who's out of

your league, Ben? Ken Dodd.

I'm sorry about earlier.

You know what I'm like. I'm just,

like, nervous.

No, I know. No, I mean it.

I am. And if you think I'm a

dick for sayin' it, I don't care.

I'm just not very...

Lee. It's OK. I'm nervous as well.

Does your mum know I'm over tonight?

I've got something for you.

Lee, who are you with? What?

No! I'm not a slut!

What!? I didn't say you were.

What? Aftershave!

Go away!

What? Are you with your mum? No!

I can hear laughing.

No, no. It's no-one.

I'm no-one now, am I? It's a girl.

Is that your girlfriend? Piss off.

Piss off!? Piss off!? Yeah.

No. What?

Oh, sh*t!

Lee, you know what, I don't know

who you're with, but forget it!

Prick!

You're such an idiot!

And while it looked like some people

weren't getting any tonight,

there was no way I wasn't.

I knew when Harry saw me, he'd

fill his pants for man milk.

But I were bothered.

Me Auntie Pat had lied about her

date with Comb-over to save face.

I felt sort of sorry for her.

But then I looked in the

mirror and felt better.

KNOCK ON DOOR:

Come in.

Up, up.

Twirl. What a stunner.

You bring a tear to my eye.

Now. Whisky-wine medley.

Bit of dutch courage.

Who needs courage

when they've got two wonderbras

sewn into their dress?

They look like

Popeye's biceps, darlin.

Now, go on. Knock that back.

In one.

Raggy, it's Lee again.

Call me. Again.

There was definitely a girl,

I heard a girl.

Does this jumper

make me look slimmer?

You don't need to look slimmer.

I'm having a fat day.

Oh, FYI -

Harry's getting married.

What!? Oh, you didn't know?

OMG. Are you serious!?

Whatev's.

Tell someone who cares, yeah?

Oh, you so care.

I know everything

there is to know about you, Ben.

Who found the Barbies

under your bed?

They were Sindys.

And for your information, dear,

I have a girlfriend.

Ha! No you don't!

I do too, actually.

Elaine. Plain Elaine?

She's not plain, she's...hot.

And she's totally into me.

I'm playing the ice maiden at

the moment, but she so wants me.

Ever since I was nine, everyone's

been like, "Oh, Ben, you're gay,"

but you'll see.

One day you'll all be eating

your words when I'm completely

famous and can have anyone I want.

Like Kate Moss. I'd totally do her.

She is fabulous, so don't even

bother accusing me of being gay.

Ohmigod! Look!

That must be

who he was with earlier.

BELL RINGS:

All right, Lee? Is your brother in?

No, Harry's out.

Oh. Will he be long?

I don't know.

Could be a while, to be honest.

Right. Well I'm in no rush, so...

That fugly skeeze.

But engaged!

It's so serious.

Debs, I'm not sure

you're his type anyway.

Why?

Because I'm a slag. You said it.

Well, consider this, am I a slag

or am I an Olympic gold medallist?

I don't follow.

Yeah. Cos sex is a sport, Lee.

It's good for your heart...

and the more you do it,

the better you get.

It's like anythin' in life.

You can't just get on a bike

and ride it.

You've got to practise first.

Yeah, we're not talkin'

about ridin' bikes.

We're talkin' about you bein' one.

You've never even done it.

Shut up!

Waitin' for the right person,

are we? Raggedy Ann.

No.

Big deal, first time, Lee.

What if you go soft on her?

Or worse - you can't even get it up?

As if that would ever happen.

Would that ever happen?

Yeah, it would.

That's why I'm going for gold

and you're just a runner-up.

Shall we teach you

how to go for gold, Lee?

Maybe they've been having

a torrid affair. Don't.

I bet she's waiting for Harry!

She thinks she's so coy,

but every step that skank takes,

I'm right there behind her.

Can this not be all about you?

Don't even get up

in my face, girlfriend.

No, you are so self-centred.

B*tch, get yourself a one

way ticket to China, yeah?

No, Ben. It's like on Twitter

I'm following you and and

you're still not following me.

I mean, what's that all about?

I can't follow all my followers,

can I?

How would that look?

That's basically just Facebook.

You're following Debbie! Despite

how you b*tch about her. So do you.

That's not the point.

God, you're seriously

on your rag, Raggy.

I think I should leave you to it.

Yeah, maybe you should.

Maybe you should go home and get a

hard-on watching Gay School Musical.

I told you that

in the strictest of confidence.

And it was because

of Vanessa, not Zac.

Keep telling yourself that!

I don't have to take this.

Ciao, Raggy.

What!?

It's French. It means goodbye!

Girls like sophistication, Lee.

Cosmopolitans and canapes.

I've got some left-over Lambrini.

Fine. Fill me up then.

Don't suppose there's

any canapes either?

I've got, like, crisps?

Chargrilled chicken crinkles.

You're hardly gettin'

me sensual rivers flowin' here, Lee.

I'll show you how it's done.

Do you know, I don't feel very full.

I should have had

the Sloppy Giuseppe.

Forget Giuseppe.

I'll fill you up later.

Do you know...

that is definitely my

favourite Pizza Express now.

It's so weird going back there.

What? The scene of the crime?

They sat in the kitchen,

in the hum of the night.

He looked at her suspiciously

on several occasions.

As he felt her electric touch,

she could sense his phallus

from a mile off,

ticking like a grandfather clock.

As the moon shone

through patio doors,

she could feel the ache

of her loins,

which were pressed against his back.

Oops.

Should I collect that?

It's very hot down there.

That was a good story.

I really liked it.

I'm from a very

illiterate family, Lee.

So, what happens next?

Did you know I can give a lad

an erection

just by lookin' at it?

Relax!

I know the sensual experience

is frightening,

but there's nothing better than

when two bodies collide together.

Especially when

one of those bodies is mine

because I do get quite

a lot of good feedback.

Yeah? Yeah.

If it were, like, marks out of 10,

I'd be nine and a half.

But with age comes experience

so by the time I'm 20,

(I'd be more like 12.)

Out of 10?

Is that a problem?

He's double locked it.

Lee!

Try round the back, sweetheart.

Can I get one out? He's an idiot.

He's a muppet.

Oh, good.

Oh, what? Oh, my...

Oh, you dirty bastards! I've just

had that table varnished.

I just saw his sex face.

Is she eating my

chargrilled chicken crinkles?

At least someone's getting some.

About time.

Right, I'm off.

You wait, you come back here.

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