Star Leaf

1

I got nothing.

Just rocks.

Some sand and more f***ing rocks.

Thank you, Sergeant

Hunter, AKA Captain Obvious,

for the most impressive Sit-Rep.

I'd completely failed to notice

the extensive rock population, myself.

An outcropping to the right.

You see what I'm seeing?

Holy sh*t.

Up 200 meters.

Well, well, well, the boy

came out to play after all.

Are we compromised?

Negative.

The f*** are they doing down there?

Sh*t.

Ease up. Keep eyes on.

He's on the move.

Can you get a head shot from here?

We need to take this f***er

out and avoid hitting the kid.

I don't have a clear shot.

He's got a kid with a bomb,

that could sneak into any market place,

from here to Kandahar.

Take the shot.

You wanted the pink mist, it's yours.

Take the shot.

Control your breathing.

Take the shot.

We there yet?

This doesn't look like the ocean.

There's too many trees.

Just hang on, we're making good time.

Is this really you guys?

Yep, semper fi.

Yeah, okay, seriously though.

Do you understand how many

likes you could get on footage like this?

Hear that, James?

My girl thinks we're heroes.

Baghdraneva...

I love the way it rolls off the tongue.

Just please don't call him that.

Those beads don't make him Hindu.

They just make him more likely

to make out with men at raves.

Hey, hey, keep your

panties on, both of you.

Who's wearing panties?

I am.

Lost in your phone again.

I'm just checking some work emails.

Babe, you work at a

drive-through espresso stand

in your bikini all day.

How many important work emails do you get?

I'm the manager, Baby. Tons.

Come on, baby, seriously.

Put the phone away.

I'm just checking some things.

Oh, babe, come on.

Not the Twilight tours again.

Tim thinks that I look just like

the chick from the movie.

I'm not doing a Twilight tour.

You know, actually, did

anybody ever tell you

that you look kind of like that Jacob...

Oh, yes, I was just thinking that, yes!

Totally.

The native werewolf guy.

It's because of the jaw line.

The jaw, the nose too though.

Enough.

I go away for a couple

tours and I come back,

and not only did he change his name

to Moon Nectar of the f***ing gods,

or whatever the sh*t he calls himself.

Now you got him watching

tween flicks as well?

What happened to you, man?

It's called an awakening, Jimbo.

The whole planet's waking up.

Yeah? Waking up to what?

A f***ing dick in their mouth?

Courtesy of the power-elite?

Jesus f***ing Christ!

Man, the sh*t you say is just wrong.

However, there is one stop

that we do need to make.

Another pit stop?

Dude, this is horse's sh*t, man.

It's gonna be too damned late to even surf,

by the time we get to La Push.

Whatever. Can we get some Cheetos?

You used to be fat.

You remember that right?

You guys are faggots. Shut the f*** up.

So, this is where your meth guy lives?

No, brother, it's not meth we're here for.

Believe it or not, in

that white-trash Mecca,

is the key to the sweet-leaf holy grail.

God, you're so random.

Yeah, and speaking of random,

you know that I get surprise

UA's pretty much all the time.

No way I'm smoking up

with you f***ing a**holes.

Dude, this ganja is some next level sh*t.

It's not worth the risk, okay?

You're out of the Corps

now, it's different for you.

Those pills you're

taking, are not the answer.

Cannabis has medicinal properties, alright?

It's not just some

recreational time-waster.

Science has my back on this.

Yeah, science, b*tch.

Look, this is a once in

a lifetime opportunity.

You go in there, you

get a map that leads you

to a secret grove in the mountains.

It'll be a badass

mission, just like before!

I'm not going in.

Dude, this ganja is out of this world.

It is not of this earth! Comprende?

Dude, hand me the box, let's go.

Thank you.

Oh, my god.

Sweet-leaf holy grail, huh?

Yeah, told you, come on.

Yeah, this is the right place.

Namaste.

I'm looking for Seth

Guardrail Slaughter, is he in?

- Seth Guardrail Slaughter?

- He's a biker.

Dude, what the f***.

Young man, want a little advice?

No, man, f*** you.

Jesus...

What's happening.

You must be here about the star leaf.

Well, come on up.

Always happy to have some close encounters.

Glad you could make it.

Meet my girls.

Aren't they beauties?

Speaking of beauty, what in the world

do they put in the

water, where you're from?

What's up man.

Alright, hey, have a seat here.

These pillows ain't just for show.

Take a load off.

My queen.

Well, what can I do for you?

Well, we came here for the star leaf map.

Of course you did.

Oh, right, right, of course.

My bad.

Total human optimization, gotta love that.

And that's the point, really, isn't it?

Coming back, time and time again,

this reality, that reality,

perfecting ourselves, slowly

over the course of infinity.

It's like, somewhere out

there, is a giant disco-ball,

casting countless reflections.

And each one of us,

is a tiny piece of that infinite light.

Dude, shut up.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, the brain isn't what

it used to be, since the fall.

That's why I need these babies.

You fell and hurt your head?

Well, cosmologically speaking, yes.

But not all those that fall, are fallen.

What? Did I forget something?

The gummy snacks.

Oh, sh*t. I'm so sorry.

I forgot the gummy snacks.

See, this is what happens

when you don't write sh*t down.

The Queen loves the gummy snacks.

That's your favorite. Right, Darling?

You like that watermelon flavor, don't you?

We'll get it next time.

Does that mean that we...

No worries. No worries.

Now, I assume whoever told

you about the star leaf,

clued you into the code of conduct?

Yes...

No photos. No video. No GPS.

You can't take any seeds

or clippings from the site,

although you can smoke as much

as you want, while you're there.

And you gotta destroy the map.

Yeah, and you cannot leave a trace.

Right, right.

- Capisce?

- Affirmative.

I've seen that before.

You can read that?

No, but I saw it when I

was high up in the Kush.

I didn't take you for an O.G. Kush fan.

I'm talking about the Hindu Kush.

The mountain range where we

were fighting for our country.

Not sitting on a f***ing puff-pad,

getting stoned all f***ing day.

Okay, okay, you're gonna

have to excuse my friend.

He's still decompressing

from his last tour,

and he'll need some time.

It took me a while too.

Come on, man.

Why is it on your wall?

The real question is,

why is it still in your head?

He got you.

F*** you guys.

All right, who's ready to get weird?

The actual star leaf...

Now hold up, Moon-dog.

This is isn't the actual star leaf.

It's just a distant cousin.

Put it in your mouth, baby.

And suck it.

You mean to tell me that this star leaf,

is actually from outer space?

We are outer space.

Macrocosms, microcosms...

Yeah, that. What he said.

The actual star leaf map.

The map's free.

The journey isn't.

Well, I hope you all have a blast.

Right out of this world.

Thank you. Thank you.

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