Star Leaf Page #2

Thank you both for your hospitality.

Thanks.

From the halls of Montezuma,

to the shores of Tripoli.

We fight our country's battles.

In the air, on land, and sea.

First to fight for right and freedom.

And to keep our honor clean.

We are proud to claim the title

of United States Marines.

Whoa! It is sexy as f*** out here.

Yeah. It beats dirty-ass hippy drug dens.

Yeah.

How far away is La Push from here?

Dude, the beach ain't going anywhere.

We've got an adventure in

these woods here, first.

I mean, are you sure we're

even in the right place?

Yeah, dude.

Look at the marking right there.

There's tons of them, all down this road.

Dude, check your bag.

Make sure you've got all your stuff there.

It's a long walk, we

might have to setup camp.

Quick pit stop, my ass, nectar boy.

Wait a second.

Wait, you said we're camping here?

I thought we were camping on the beach.

Babe, we can do all that

Twilight tour stuff later.

Come on, this is really important for me.

No, no, no, no way, now way.

Bella's Sunset tour is

on, b*tch. You promised.

He promised.

Hey, you know Edward is like 400 years old,

and still tries to f*** high school kids.

Whatevs.

We're just gonna hump all this gear along,

in case we camp tonight?

Yeah.

Dude, why don't you

just admit it to yourself

that your whole entire

plan for being up here

is to smoke yourself into oblivion.

What are you talking about?

Just drop the f***ing act already, man.

No, no, no, I mean, we're

going to find star leaf.

And if we find some,

I just think it'd be prudent

of us to smoke a little.

Dude said no photos.

Why do you care?

Come on, babe.

Your online fan-base has enough

pouty-face selfies for one day.

Put it away, come on.

What about his stupid camera?

This thing's off, okay?

I just didn't wanna leave it in the car.

I didn't feel like it was safe.

Yeah, well, I actually don't safe

leaving my iPhone in the car, so...

Babe, Martha, sweetie, come on.

- Don't give me that sh*t.

- I just need you,

to play by the rules, this one time.

Promise me you'll turn

it off and keep it off.

Why? You know?

I mean what's the big deal?

The big deal is that the phone's GPS data

will give away the location of the weed.

Fine.

I can't believe they

trust us at all, out here.

I wouldn't.

Come on, let's giddy-up!

Man sure likes his weed.

He likes a lot of things.

And he isn't afraid to

go after them, either.

Hey, here, swing back on me.

Hey, time for chow.

Yes, please, I'm so hungry.

Put something in my mouth.

Anything.

Girl, you crazy.

Take a piece.

Oh, f***. It tastes like sh*t.

What's in it? Sh*t?

It's my new edible recipe.

Ganesha's groovy granola.

I mean, it could use some more agave.

But it's pretty good for homemade.

Edible, as in weed edible?

Yeah.

What the f*** is your problem, man?

Two problems. Hungry and sober.

Eat some granola, bam!

Two birds, one stoner.

What? Oh, whoa my dude's crafty.

- Give it up.

- Yep.

You got it, baby.

What the F?

Whoa.

Those branches look like alien fingers.

Just some random branch configuration.

Nothing to bust a nut on.

Yeah? Then why is it pointing

in the exact direction of the star leaf?

Just a random coincidence.

James doesn't believe in aliens.

Where's the proof?

Ahh...

Exactly.

Come on, man.

Don't tell me you never

even entertained the idea.

Some people say they are the jinn of Islam.

Wait, what are the jinn?

Demons.

Tim?

I have never seen trees like this before.

Is this on the map?

I mean, I think so.

I think it's these outlines, right here.

I had no idea what those

meant until right now.

That's weird.

The grove should just be up this way.

Wait, what's with all these bulges?

Tree tumors, maybe?

You never complained

about bulging wood before.

Honey, if your wood was bulging like this,

I'd take you to a doctor.

Dude, what if these are all filled with

the sweetest f***ing resin you ever had?

We should tap these babies and get some

sweet-ass, star leaf syrup.

Woo!

Sip, sippin' on some sizzurp.

Help me up.

Sippin' on some sizzurp.

Sippin' on some sizzurp.

These branches look sharp enough to kill.

Yeah, I guess mother nature

don't take no prisoners, huh?

I mean, either that or she wanted

to keep this place a secret for a reason.

Ugh! Ugh!

Babe, that's not actually star leaf syrup.

Well, it's still gross.

- James!

- James!

James!

Oh, my god!

Welcome to the garden

of Weeden, motherf***er!

- Ta da!

- We found it! I told you!

I think I've seen bigger

plants than this in Afghanistan.

Dude, you see all these other plants?

F*** them. It's about this one, right here.

This is the queen bee,

the mother of all marijuana

plants on planet Earth.

They say she was seeded from outer space,

and sent to us by some

extraterrestrial intelligence,

to help us find our way back.

Wow, man. Back from what?

Well, f*** if I know! I

just came to smoke this sh*t!

Oh, my god!

Whoa, brother. Jesus, chill out, man.

What?

You're being an a**hole

to that plant right now.

You know what? You're right.

- Chill.

- Alright.

You're right. I'm being kind

of an a**hole to this plant.

I need to step aside for a minute,

center myself, come back,

snip some buds, and proceed

to get f***ing baked.

Awesome.

You don't think he's addicted, do you?

Him?

No, he's always been like that.

First guy in high school to

tap a keg, unsnap a bra...

Dude's a legend.

Well, speaking of legends,

I've heard a lot about you, James.

Yeah?

Yeah, I wasn't sure if

we'd hit it off at first.

But you know, so far so good.

Look, Tim's my bro.

Yeah.

I just wanted to thank

you for your services.

Okay.

Tim?

Alright, this is ready.

Who's ready to blast off?

Oh, me, me, me.

Oh, you know, before we

commence this ceremony,

we should say like a

little prayer, you know?

Kind of get into it.

Out loud, or what?

Whatever you feel comfortable with.

Roll, roll, roll the joint.

Twist it at the ends.

Take a puff and that's enough,

now pass it to your friends.

Man, what kind of eastern

bullshit you been studying?

Well, have you ever heard of Tantra?

No.

Cause he has, and it's divine.

It's an ancient Vedic

sexual ecstasy practice.

No big deal.

No big deal?

I'd say marathon love-making sessions,

ending in multiple female ejaculation,

is kind of a big deal.

Jesus, f***, calm down.

That's it.

I can't.

Dude, this leaves no trace in your system.

Okay.

Oh, my god.

Guys, I can't move.

I can't move, guys.

Did I ever tell you that I used to be

Jim Morrison in a past life?

I'm so hot.

I make fire jealous.

Right?

Baby, look at me.

I haven't danced like this since 69.

You look like you're

having a f***ing seizure.

You're not Jim Morrison.

Tim, you're gonna fall in the fire.

What'd you say?

You want me to light your fire?

Do you think I'm pretty?

Yo...

Your...

That is the sweetest thing

anyone's ever said to me.

Tim's too busy jerking

off, to Asian fairy porn,

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