Star Leaf Page #3

to notice me anymore.

Do you like Asian fairy porn?

Of course you do.

All men do.

Tim...

Tim, you're gonna fall in the fire.

What in the f*** just happened?

Threw some sticks on the fire, homie.

You feeling it?

What?

Here, hit this.

No, f*** no.

All right, suit yourself.

Did you guys kill anyone

when you were in Afghanistan?

Why you gotta go bringing

everyone down like that?

You're on a crazy train right now,

and it's time to get off.

I'm sorry.

I know you're high right now,

but you need to stop.

I'm sorry, war makes me laugh.

Maybe this is enough for one night.

Did you see that?

The shooting star?

Yeah.

Whoa! What the hell?

Jesus.

Oh, dude!

They don't call this star leaf for nothing.

Full-on visuals!

Wait, where do stars come from, anyway?

Same place we do.

Everything's star dust, baby.

F***. Do you hear that?

This weed is getting trippy.

Maybe we should all just get up,

and like walk around.

No, dude. I f***ing

heard something out there.

Really?

Sh*t, there's movement out there!

Dude, sit down.

It's just voices in your head, alright?

I'm f***ing telling you, man.

I heard somebody talking

out there, in Pashto.

What the hell is Pashto?

It's an Afghan dialect.

It's just voices in your head, alright?

They get louder when there's no

city noise to drown them out.

He's right.

What the hell?

City noise does tend to drown out a lot.

Doesn't it?

Unfortunately, city people,

such as yourselves, make so much noise,

you can hear them miles

away, in the dead of night.

Talking about the secrets of the universe,

and all kinds of interesting stuff,

people like to talk

about when they're high.

Hmm?

Oh, look at that.

Mmm.

It is legal now.

No prescription necessary.

I'm sorry, old habits die hard.

Officer?

Forrest ranger.

I'm just out making my rounds.

Walking the trails with

the snakes and the snails.

Checking the pines for

those evergreen crimes.

Hmm?

We found some evergreen, alright.

That you did, honey.

That you did.

Here you go.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

You folks mind if I take a knee?

Please.

Have a seat, son.

Fire's getting cold.

Well, look at that.

Marshmallows and everything.

Wow, you kids sure know how

to enjoy the great outdoors.

I'll give you that.

So, is this place something that

you and the other forest

rangers know about?

We've been coming here a long time, son.

Oh, you mean like the

indigenous first peoples?

I'm talking about everyone.

From everywhere.

Do you see a lot of wildlife?

I saw a moose f***ing a bear once.

Wait, you saw what?

Moose, f***ing a bear.

No, man.

What, are you telling me you've never

seen something strange before?

Something only you, and

no one else could see?

Hmm?

You folks wanna get high?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Well, you can certainly get high, right?

Whoa.

It's not how high you go that matters.

It's where you go.

Ah, I like the way you think, officer.

- Ranger.

- Ranger...

Ranger.

Ranger.

Ranger Dave.

All right, well...

You folks have a good night.

And enjoy the great outdoors.

What the f*** was that?

Did that really just happen?

I have no idea what the

dude was talking about.

Do you think he was

lying about a moose f***ing a bear?

I don't know, with the

weed we've been smoking,

I'd kinda believe him.

Oh, man.

Man, I don't even think

he was real, though.

Yeah, man, he was real.

Okay, I'm going to bed.

You know what? I'm gonna follow you.

I don't want any close

encounters of the moose-rape kind.

Ooh, I actually wouldn't mind seeing that.

Well, get in that tent,

and I'll show you what

a moose dick looks like.

Let me in first.

No!

They'll be coming for you, James.

They've have their eye on you a long time.

Long time...

But you already knew that.

Didn't you? Hmm?

Careful where you're going, now.

You never know what you might find.

Who the f*** are you?

Stay the f*** away from my friends!

Get up, goddamn it! We've got hostiles!

Sh*t.

James!

Martha?

What are you doing out here?

Waiting for you to find me.

We have to go back to the camp.

Where's Tim?

The plant can help you, James.

What?

It's a portal, don't you see?

To the stars.

What are you talking about?

Where are your clothes?

These can't help you.

Share your pain with me, James.

No, I don't need saving.

Come here.

F***!

Tim?

Tim?

What? How the hell did we get out here?

I don't know.

We must've been higher than we thought.

Yeah.

Where's James?

Probably smart enough to

sleep in his own tent. I guess.

Well, we better check.

Wait a sec.

Ooh, now this is the

bulging wood I came to see.

Top of the morning to you, too.

Morning glory, or whatever it is.

Tim? Martha?

- Sh*t!

- What?

Get down. Get down.

What the hell is going on?

What are you guys doing out here?

There's something behind that tree.

It was watching us.

What the f*** you talking about?

The f***ing tree, right

there, was watching us.

Please go check it out.

No, to your left!

Here?

The big one!

Do you see anything?

Nothing!

Maybe it was just that moose f***ing.

It wasn't a f***ing moose.

It wasn't a f***ing moose.

F*** this, man.

Okay, give me my shirt, I'm leaving.

Hurry up! We gotta go!

What, did you see something?

I said we gotta go!

Leave the f***ing tents!

I said leave them, come on!

- Coming.

- All right!

I don't know. We're

probably all just still high.

No, I know what I saw.

You saw the lights last night too?

- No.

- Yeah, dude.

We all saw the shooting star.

I'm not talking about the shooting star.

What the hell are you talking about then?

That blinding light that...

F***! Whoa! What the f*** is that?

- Jesus!

- Just go man!

- Go!

- Just go!

Holy f***ing sh*t!

What the f*** is that, man?

Calm down.

Get off! Run her over!

Honk the horn!

It's some kind of animal or something!

- Go, motherf***er go!

- Just run it over!

Just go!

Just go around.

Babe, we're in a Prius.

It's not built for off-road activity.

What are you doing?

We must've missed an

off-road or something.

- Sh*t!

- Holy sh*t.

It's an ambush.

What the f*** are you

talking about, an ambush?

We're in a kill-zone.

A what zone?

A kill-zone!

Grab your packs, hurry!

F***.

- Sh*t...

- Come on, let's go!

Come on! Come on!

What the hell is going on?

Some kind of ambush.

Who would be ambushing us?

Just get your sh*t.

What the f*** is the holdup, man?

Come on!

What the hell is that?

Grab that sh*t and let's go!

What the hell is that?

Is that f***ing star leaf?

You have f***ing star leaf clippings?

He f***ing has star leaf clippings.

You're f***ing us over, you realize that?

You guys. You guys.

- Are you serious?

- He f***ed us over.

Are you serious?

Man, get rid of that sh*t!

Dude, it's not that much, okay?

I just needed a little,

to make some clones

when I got home, alright?

Look, you guys are

freaking out way too much.

We all just need to calm...

Whoa, dude!

What the f***?

Tim? Baby? Baby?

What the f*** just grabbed me?

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