Stark Raving Black

Hello,

this is Lewis Black.

Ah, f*** you.

Let's try it again.

Hello, Detroit,

l'm going

to be shooting my next-

Well, why don't you tell 'em

who you are, f***-nut?

Mister arrogant f***.

Oh, yeah, just by the sound

of my voice.

People have asked me,

''Why are you shooting

your special in Detroit, Lewis?''

And l say, ''lf anybody

is as angry as l am,

it's the good people

of Detroit.''

l'll see you there.

[jazzy music]

# #

- Ladies and gentlemen,

Lewis Black.

[upbeat jazzy music]

# #

- l really believe

it would be in

the best interests of everyone

if you could lower

your expectations.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes.

About 20%/%.

l don't think

that's too much to ask.

No, l'm serious.

The way the-

The U.S. economy

is really down about 20%/%,

and l believe we should

live our lives accordingly.

Doesn't mean you don't wake up

without a positive attitude;

you do.

You wake up every morning.

You say, ''lt's going to be

a great day,

less 20%/%.''

The question l've been asked

over and over

during the-

really, the past year is,

is now that President Bush

has left office, what''-

[cheers and applause]

''Now that George Bush

has left

''the office

of the presidency,

Lewis,

what are you going to do?''

And l've said every time,

''l guess l just

won't be funny anymore.''

l certainly miss him.

He did make my life easy.

Basically, l would just

come out in any city,

read what

he said that day,

and go on my merry way.

lt's amazing.

What kind of a f***ing stupid

question is that?

Like, somehow because

George Bush left office,

stupidity

fled the country.

When it comes to idiots,

our country's

like Whac-A-Mole.

You get rid of one,

and three more will pop up.

They're asking me

this question,

and meanwhile,

the new president

picked a secretary

of the Treasury

who didn't do his taxes.

What am l going to do?

l do think there

are two important lessons

that can be learned

from his presidency.

The first:
if you find yourself

in a voting booth

and you're

looking at two names

and you're

thinking to yourself,

''Gee, l'd really like

to hang out with this guy;

boy, would he be fun

to drink with,''

you vote

for the other person.

And if you're going

to vote for someone

because you think they're going

to be fun to drink with,

you be f***ing sure

they're still drinking.

Now, secondly,

l believe-

and l know

this is simplistic-

the reason-

one of the main reasons

that George Bush

became the president

is because President Olinton

got a blow job.

And this upset a lot of people

who didn't get one.

So the Ohristian right

was motivated

to find a candidate

who they felt was religious

and spiritual

and had a great faith in God.

lf you're going

to vote for somebody

because you think

they have a great faith in God,

you be really sure

that God has faith in them.

lt's a two-way street.

When President Obama

was elected,

l'll never forget

the next day.

Everyone everywhere

said the following:

''l can't believe

this could possibly

have ever happened

in my lifetime.''

Which made me wonder,

''Who voted for him?''

Now, people were truly

overwhelmed by his election.

l wasn't as much,

and the reason is because

he's a Democrat,

and that didn't seem to me

to be an improvement

over Republican.

l don't know

if you've noticed,

but our two-party system

is a bowl of sh*t

looking in the mirror

at itself.

[cheers and applause]

Why would l be excited

that a Democrat won?

Seriously,

over the past eight years,

the Democrats

didn't do sh*t.

Basically,

the last eight years, l feel,

the Republicans

stood around farting,

and the Democrats went,

''Ooh, let me smell it.''

l find it astonishing

that anyone

is still a loyal Democrat

or a loyal Republican.

What are you basing this on?

How is it possible?

What is it that you see?

l don't see

what you're seeing.

What is it that the Democrats

or the Republicans

have done for any of you

in the past 30 years

that has made any difference

in your life?

And yet people hang in.

Which makes me wonder,

''What the f***?''

l believe

you're delusional.

l believe you're seeing

something that isn't there.

And we call that

hallucinating.

And l know

about hallucinations,

because l took LSD

when l was young

just to prepare me

for this moment in time.

l saw my refrigerator

turn into a puma

and run away.

And l tracked that

son of a b*tch for three days,

mostly wondering,

''What am l going

to tell my parents?''

And when l finally

caught up with it

in the middle

of the woods

and l was cutting open

its stomach

in order

to get a beer out,

as crazy

as l was at that point,

l was less crazy

than anybody in this room

who's still

a Democrat or a Republican.

The big change for me

over the past eight years

is that l became

a mainstream comedian.

And l-

[cheers and applause]

l beg to differ with you.

l believe

that is wrong,

because

l listen to the sh*t

that comes out of my mouth,

and l am appalled.

And l know that l've become

a mainstream comedian

because

over the past two years,

l did the USO Ohristmas tour

in lraq and Afghanistan.

[cheers and applause]

l really don't know

how representative l am

in terms of entertainment

for the troops,

because if-you know-

And to tell you

just how mainstream it is,

this winter, l can't go

and do the tour,

so l will be hosting the benefit

in Washington, D.O.,

for the USO.

And l just think-

[applause]

l think that's wrong.

l think it's very odd

that we went in my lifetime

from Bob Hope to me.

l also know

that l'm mainstream

because a few months ago,

l performed at a benefit,

Tony La Russa's benefit

in St. Louis, Missouri,

for Animal Rescue.

And l followed onto the stage

Vince Gill.

And it doesn't get any more

f***ing mainstream than that.

Now, l know that some of you

don't know who Vince Gill is,

and that's because you

don't listen to country music,

and l know you don't

listen to country music

because

a lot of it is sh*t.

A lot of it-

a lot of it,

quite honestly,

is based on old

Jerry Springer episodes.

But Vince Gill is

a country music legend and icon.

And l thought that l'd followed

possibly every type of act,

because for 20 years,

l toured clubs

in the country,

and comics performed before me

that were just-

some were just-

they would scare

the sh*t out of you.

People, who the audience-

when l got on stage,

the audience was still

screaming, ''F*** you too!''

The strangest act

l ever followed onto the stage

was in a club

in Parma, Ohio.

This comedian

ended his set.

He was talking about

how he was

in the delivery room

when his wife gave birth.

And he said that he noticed

that her-

now, l'm quoting-

her p*ssy got bigger

and bigger and bigger.

And a couple of months later,

he was thinking about

having oral sex with her-

or as he put it,

''going down on her''-

and he thought back to that

moment in the delivery room

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