Stark Raving Black Page #2

and felt, ''What if her p*ssy

gets bigger and bigger''-

hang in there;

you're adults.

''Her p*ssy

gets bigger and bigger

''and snaps over my head

and my head be

inside her p*ssy?''

''And now here's

Lewis Black.''

l thought that was

as strange as it could get,

and then l had to follow

Vince Gill.

Vince Gill is 6'7''.

But with his star quality,

he's 1 2 feet tall.

And he strode

onto that stage,

and 8,000 people

went completely nuts.

They were huge fans of his.

And he began to sing.

And l'd never, ever

been in his presence

while he was singing.

And let me

just tell you this,

that after 30 seconds,

l felt exactly the way

l feel when l'm taking a bath

that is just

the perfect temperature.

By the end of the song,

l can't tell you

what he was singing about,

but l know l have never

been that comfortable

in my whole life.

And then he told a story,

a really funny story,

a really clean,

funny story,

a clean, funny story

where he never said

the word ''f***'' once,

a f***ing clean,

funny f***ing story.

Son of a b*tch,

it was goddamn f***ing funny.

l was laughing my tits off

at his clean story.

And then Vince began

to talk about his father...

[sighs]

His dead father.

Son of a b*tch.

He's pulling out

the dead father card.

That's a hard one to trump.

And his father was

a great and wonderful man.

He was not only a redneck;

he was a judge.

He was everything

to everyone.

He was the greatest man

that ever walked the Earth.

And all

l kept thinking was,

''Sh*t, l don't have time

to go home and kill mine.''

And Vince said, as his father

got sicker and sicker,

he pulled Vince aside

and told him

that he had

an idea for a song

that he always

wanted Vince to write.

And Vince couldn't get it

written before his father died,

but after he died,

he found the inspiration

to write that song.

And now

he was gonna sing it.

Who's not going

to like that song?

And it was a great song.

lt was sad and-

son of a b*tch-it was funny.

lt was really funny.

The refrain

of that song was,

''How can l kiss

those lips at night

that have been chewing

my ass out all day long?''

lf you didn't laugh

at that,

you're f***ing brain-dead.

And now he's set the bar

for the kind of bad words

you can use.

And you can say

''ass'' in reference to your ass,

your physical ass,

as in,

''He said the word 'ass.'''

[giggles]

''l thought

he was going to say 'heinie.'''

Now l'm standing offstage,

and l'm going through

my f***ing act

getting rid

of all the bad words.

l've got about

two minutes of stage time.

And then...

his wife came onstage.

His wife, if you don't know,

is Amy Grant.

And if you don't know

who Amy Grant is,

you should.

She is the greatest

Ohristian singer

in all of Ohristendom...

And she is made

entirely out of cream.

l know because

l stood behind her and poked.

Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop.

And she's perfect.

She's f***ing perfect.

The only thought l had

as l stood next to her was,

''Lewis, you're

a despicable piece of sh*t.

You're a despicable

piece of sh*t.''

Now, she comes on the stage,

and she kisses him.

Oh, really?

The two of you had to kiss?

You f***ing fucks.

Are you shitting me?

Haven't you

taken enough from me?

You were

just standing there.

She was

just standing there.

He's been gone 1 2 minutes.

There was

no f***ing reason for that.

Now, when it comes to love,

l am the most jaded f***

in the universe.

But l have to say,

when the two of them kissed,

you could feel their love.

lt went in waves

over the audience.

l was knocked over

by a riptide of their love.

Son of a b*tch.

How will l, a Jew,

ever know Ohristian love?

My friends, many have

been married for years,

and l've never seen

that kind of love.

l thought,

''l'm never going to feel that.''

And then l realized l did,

but l felt it

for just an instant,

when l was

on a golf course

and l hit a hole in one.

And l still have the ball,

but l don't kiss it,

not in public.

And then Amy began to sing

like an angel.

And as angels

are wont to do,

she was singing

about Jesus.

[sighs]

l turned to my friend

Kathleen Madigan,

a terrific comedian, yeah.

[applause]

She had gotten me the gig.

And l said, ''Hey,

take a good look at the time

''and remember it,

''because this

is the precise moment

that our friendship

has ended.''

l actually had to leave

while she was singing

because l felt

that if l stayed there,

l would rush the stage

and accept Ohrist into my heart

as my one true savior.

And then Vince and Amy

left the building

on the wings of angels.

And now

here's Lewis Black.

l came onto the stage,

and l said that

whoever had put together

the order of the acts

that evening,

l wanted whoever that was

to join me onstage,

because l was going

to use the next 30 minutes

to just beat the sh*t

out of him.

l said, ''Who the f*** comes up

with that kind of order?''

Here are

two perfect Ohristians,

and now let's follow it

with the miserable,

aging Jewish prick.

And l am aging.

l know that l'm aging

because l turned 60 this year,

and l'm not-

[applause]

Don't.

No need to applaud.

Seriously, there's no reason

to applaud

when somebody gets older.

The only reason

somebody gets older

is cause

of dumb f*** luck.

lt isn't like you were sitting

out there going,

''Gee, he's really

in tremendous shape.

l bet he's on

a high fiber diet.''

And l'm not.

l don't go near fiber.

l had an oat muffin

ten years ago,

and l'm still shitting

because of it.

But l turned 60,

and it was not a happy moment,

because you're not-

You don't even get the joy of-

No one treats you

as if you've grown old.

Nobody.

You tell people,

''God, you know, l'm 60.

l'm a little depressed.''

''Why?

60's not old.''

F*** you!

60's old,

you piece of sh*t.

And how do l know

that 60's old?

Because when l was kid,

people who turned 60

were dropping

like f***ing flies.

We had a neighbor,

woke up,

had a little bit of cereal,

went right over

into the bowl.

l said,

''What'd he die of?''

''60.''

Oh, l know that 60's old.

l know that 60's old

because l can't remember sh*t.

My day goes like this:

l wake up,

and l think, ''You know,

''l did something really,

really important yesterday,

''and it absolutely

had to be finished this morning,

''because these people

''desperately

f***ing need to have it,

''whoever the f***

they are,

''whatever the f*** it was

''l was doing yesterday

f***ing morning.

''Son of a b*tch.

God damn it.

''What was l doing yesterday?

''F***ing A.

You've got to be kidding me.''

l go to sleep,

and l wake up,

and it's gone.

Now l'm wandering around

my apartment

looking for clues

like Sherlock Holmes.

Have to have left a note,

a picture.

Maybe there's a message

on the phone.

l can remember precisely

what my little league uniform

looked like

when l was 1 2 years old.

And now l can't remember

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