Stark Raving Black Page #3

what happened 1 2 hours ago.

You got to be

f***ing kidding me.

Just relax, Lewis.

Lay down.

And so l do.

Yeah, if l just relax,

l'm sure l'll think of it.

[snores]

Two hours later,

l get up from my nap,

and it's dinnertime.

Let's eat.

Nobody called.

How important could it be?

F*** 'em.

The weirdest thing is

if l'm with a group

of my friends who are my age.

lf you listen

to us talk,

it's like verbal charades.

''l saw that movie.

''l saw that movie, you know,

the movie you told me to see,

''the one you told me to see.

''l saw that movie.

''You know the movie,

the one you told me to see.

''l saw the movie,

the one you told me to see.

''You told me to see

the f***ing movie.

''The one with the guy.

''You know, the guy.

''The guy,

we liked the guy.

''Then we didn't like the guy.

''Then we liked him.

''Then we don't like him,

you know, the guy...

''who goes out

with the girl.

''You know the girl.

''Son of a b*tch.

''Remember, there was a...

No, no, not a moose;

a bunny, you f***.''

That conversation

can go on for days.

To others,

it sounds like,

''Holy sh*t,

these people don't know

what we're talking about.''

We know exactly

what we're talking about.

We just can't

remember any names anymore.

The saddest thing

is when we're going,

''Does it begin with an A?

''Does it begin with a B?

Try a O.''

My generation

can't deal with getting older.

The only thing

that my generation right now

is leaving behind,

because my generation

has done f***ing nothing-

what we leave behind,

our message for the ages, is:

60 isn't old.

60's the new 40.

No, it's not, a**hole.

60 is 60,

and 40 is 40.

That's why they're

different f***ing numbers!

l've never liked birthdays.

l certainly didn't

want to celebrate my 60th,

but l've never

liked birthdays.

l don't get it.

The celebration

of mortality.

What the f***

is that about?

Whoo-hoo, another year

closer to the grave.

Birthdays make sense

up to the age 21 .

22, it's all downhill,

f***ers.

Take a good look, kids.

This is

the end of the line.

When you're eight,

there's nothing better.

A great birthday

when you're eight:

you get a wagon,

a red wagon.

And you can put sh*t

in the wagon and pull it around.

God damn it,

let's go get some more sh*t.

1 6, you get

your driver's license.

21 , finally, finally,

you don't

have to hand the money

to somebody else

to get your liquor

and you never know if you're

going to see the f***er again.

l know that most people

don't like birthdays,

because nobody likes singing

Happy Birthday.

Nobody commits to it,

except some of my friends

who are in the theater,

and then

those f***ers harmonize.

Oh, that's creepy and fruity

at the same time.

But the rest of us,

l don't even care

if there's

an eight-year-old there.

You don't even f***ing-

it's same sound every time.

# Nah-nah, nah, nah,

nah, nah #

# Nah-nah, nah, nah,

ah, ah #

# Neh-neh, neh, neh, eh- #

What's his f***ing name?

l don't remember

the kid's name.

So when l tuned 60,

l decided that what l would do

was perform in Las Vegas,

and that would be fun,

and that would

mark my birthday.

We'd have some drinks.

That's it.

We'd f***ing get over it.

And so l perform,

and l finish up,

and l turn to go,

and there, there standing

offstage is Ben Brewer,

my tour manager,

and John Bowman,

and they've got

a big, giant cake

with 60 candles on it.

Not little candles,

big f*** candles,

so that the whole cake

is like a torch.

l expected them

to run by me

and go into the village

and look for Frankenstein.

Now l got

to blow these candles out

in front of about

1 ,500 people.

l have to do

an emphysema test.

[splutters]

That's the other great thing

about turning 60.

You pee

like a four-year-old.

l've still got winky

in my tinky!

''Why'd you pee on the cake,

Lewis?''

Because it's not

f***ing chocolate.

''Did you make a wish?''

Oh, yeah, yeah.

l wished for a pony.

Maybe this year,

a pony to pull my little

red f***ing wagon, a**hole.

l've had the same wish

pretty much

for the past five years.

My wish is that

l'll live forever.

Yeah, a lot of people

don't understand that,

and l don't understand,

what the f***

are you wishing for?

A new appliance?

''Oh, boy, l hope

l get a Roomba this year.''

What f***ing planet

are you?

lt's a wish.

F***ing go big!

l've had audience members

actually shout out,

''Why would you

want to live forever?''

'Oause l don't want

to f***ing die!

How simple is that?

l have no interest

in dying.

l like it here.

l get it.

As f***ed up as it can be,

l get this.

But out there?

l don't know

what's out there.

lt's unknown.

This is known.

That's unknown.

l'm sticking

with the known.

Many Ohristians

would say that,

''Lewis,

if you had faith,

''you should know

that angels will come,

and they will

take you to heaven.''

[sighs]

Well, l tell

my Ohristian friends,

''Until there are

photographs,

the legal system

would say that's hearsay.''

l lean toward

reincarnation

mainly because

you get to come back.

But it gets sticky,

because

there's a karma thing,

and you don't know-

you may not

come back as a human.

l mean, l could close my eyes

and open them,

and now l'm a tick

sucking the blood

out of a Saint Bernard's ear.

And then l'm getting

bigger and bigger,

and then somebody

takes a match-

What kind of

a f***ing day is that?

l'd really like

to come back as a monkey.

Yeah, any kind of monkey,

because l believe,

in my heart of hearts,

that monkeys

are more evolved than we are.

And l'd like to find out.

They were so f***ing smart,

they didn't leave the jungle,

did they?

They didn't leave fun land.

No, not like

the rest of us idiots

who go off into a concrete

jungle that we create

to work in an office

with a group of dipshits

that f***ing

give us eczema

and a boss who, like,

pees in the wastebasket

when he talks to us.

Really,

do you have to do that?

But you can't say anything

to that son of a b*tch.

You work

your f***ing ass off.

Some of you

even have two jobs.

lt's a f***ing

pain in the neck,

but every so often,

you get a little time off.

''Hey,''

you call your friends,

''Let's go out to dinner

this weekend.''

Well, we can't eat

at that restaurant,

because Stewie's

now a vegan.

Well, f*** him!

F*** Stewie

and the vegan sh*t.

l'm going to get him

a loaded potato

and shove it up his ass.

lf you're a monkey,

you just have your pal

turn around,

and you pick a whole

f***ing buffet out of his back.

You spend the whole day

shitting and masturbating.

lt's f***ing heaven,

l tell you.

l fear

l shared too much.

l used to...

l used to want

to be cremated,

and now l'm not so sure.

As l get older,

l like to hedge my bets.

So l'm thinking

maybe burial,

because if my Ohristian friends

are right,

maybe that's

why people get buried,

because that's how

the angels find you.

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