Stark Raving Black Page #4

Knock, knock, knock.

''You ready to go?''

''Yeah.''

Ha-ha.

lf l'm cremated, f***,

l'm all over the place.

The angels look at me

and go,

''Well, that's

the hardest jigsaw puzzle

''l've ever f***ing seen.

''lt'll take an eternity

to put him back together.

F*** it.''

People say, you know,

''lf you live forever,

your friends

are gonna die.''

Well, l'll just

have to get new friends.

When you compare 60

to somebody who's 20,

it's old.

When you compare 60, my age,

to my parents,

who are 90 and 91 ,

l'm still a kid.

My mother

still thinks she's my mother.

How f***ing good is that?

They've been married-actually,

this week-for 64 years.

[applause]

And those of you

who didn't applaud,

how bitter are you?

Dr. Phil would ask,

''What's the secret of their

long and successful marriage?''

And l'd say to Dr. Phil,

''F*** you, fatty!''

And l will say to you,

if you at any time find

yourselves watching Dr. Phil,

l want you to get up

off the chair or the couch,

put your head down,

and run at the TV

as hard as you can.

And l guarantee,

when you come out of the coma,

you're gonna thank me.

l watched Dr. Phil

for seven minutes.

That's all it took.

''You know,

what's good for the dog

isn't necessarily

good for the frog.''

Well, because

they're different species.

''You all have seen the Alien.

''Remember, the alien

goes in your mouth,

''comes out your chest.

l want you

to think about that.''

''We'll be right back.''

l won't.

l won't be back,

Dr. Phil,

because l am going to spend

the rest of the day

looking for heroin.

l'd never seen it

as an alternative,

but after spending

just seven minutes with you,

l think it may be

the way to go.

Who knew you were

the gateway drug?

The secret of my parent's

marriage is very, very simple.

The reason that they've stayed

together so long is,

they have never heard a word

the other one has said.

l realized this

when l was ten,

and my brother Ron and l

were in the backseat of the car

going from Maryland to New York

to see relatives

and my parents were talking

in the front seat

as we listened to them.

Don't cry.

Don't cry.

They're talking

to imaginary people.

l've been lucky.

My parents are great.

And they've given me

a number of gifts,

one which is a sense of humor

which people seem to enjoy

but which scares

the f*** out of me.

To give you an idea of where

my sense of humor comes from,

my mother,

when she turned 90,

l called, l said,

''How do you like being 90?''

''How do l like it?

lt's like overtime.''

Happy birthday.

My book made The Times

bestseller list,

and so l called-

l called my...

[applause]

l called my mother up

to tell her.

And she said,

''Wow, who knew

there were

that many idiots out there?''

My father's very quiet,

and it's-

you have to be around him

for a while

to get to his sense of humor.

He is most noted

for his smile.

He's always smiling.

He has since l was a kid.

As a matter of fact,

when l was young,

l thought my father's smile

was Zen-like, beatific,

almost as if he were

in harmony with the universe.

And as l grew older,

my friends took me aside

and said, ''You know, l think

your dad's smile is perverted,

like he's watching

a dirty movie or something.''

And as l've grown older,

l've realized

my friends are right.

l called my dad

after the Sarah Palin debate,

and l said, ''What did you

think of Sarah, Pop?''

And he went,

''Did you see her winking?

How'd she know

l was watching?''

They got an HDTV,

you know,

in order to see the

closed captions more clearly,

and l called Pop

and said,

''What do you think

of the HD?''

And he goes,

''Ha! l love it!

The cleavage

is crystal clear.''

The strangest...

The strangest moment

l've shared with my parents was,

l had gotten a gig

at Oaesar's

in the Poconos

of Pennsylvania.

lt's a resort area there.

Oaesar's has these four

kind of honeymoon getaways,

lovers' retreats,

no gambling.

lt's-what it is, is,

it's like a group

of f*** huts

in the woods with names

like Titty Titty Bang Bang,

Spread Eagle,

that kind of thing.

These are serious

f*** huts, okay?

l mean, you walk in;

there's a heart-shaped bed.

Fucky, f***, f***.

lndoor pool,

got to f***, f***.

Sauna.

Fucky, f***.

Go upstairs,

champagne glass,

bubble, bubble,

f***, f***.

lf you're still going

at 5:
00 in the morning,

open the closet.

There's a ball gag

and a swing.

l told my parents

l got the gig there,

and my mother-

they're 83 at the time-

goes, ''We're going with you!

l've always wanted

to see that place.''

Now l'm in the woods

with my 83-year-old parents.

They are in one f*** hut.

l am in the f*** hut

next door...

alone,

which is as close to being gay

as l ever want to be.

l opened up my refrigerator

that they have in the room,

and there's some

cut-up vegetables and dip,

so l bring it next door

to my parents,

because they come out

of the Depression,

and free food

always makes them cry.

They have a refrigerator

in their room,

so l say, ''l bet you got

something in there, a surprise.''

And, yes, it was.

Now l'm standing in front

of my 83-year-old parents,

and in one hand,

l have a bowl of strawberries

and in the other,

a bowl of whipped cream.

And my mother looks

at the whipped cream

and goes,

''What's that for?''

And my father,

without missing a beat, goes,

''lt's for my balls.''

l, um....

l began therapy

that next Tuesday.

lt was the beginning

of my great depression

or great recession

or whatever it is

we're f***ing going through

at this point in time.

They call it

whatever they want.

Nobody knows

what the f***'s happening.

Nobody has a clue as to what's

going on economically.

l don't know what they want

to call these economic times,

but l've never

seen anything like it

or been through anything like it

in my entire f***ing life.

We went

right into the shitter,

and nobody, not one leader,

warned us,

not a one,

not a Democrat

and not a Republican.

l think another lesson

that can be learned from this

is fairly simple,

that you should expect

from your leader

the same thing you'd expect

from an experienced canoe guide.

''We'll be going down

that fork in the river

''because if we

go down that one,

there's a f***ing waterfall.''

l knew that we were

heading toward the shitter,

and l know nothing,

and l knew.

And l can guarantee

that everybody in this room

who had a job and for 40 hours,

working 40 hours a week,

l can guarantee, a year before

the sh*t hit the fan,

you were sitting

in the office,

and either you said it

or someone in your office

at some point

turned to you

and went,

''Uh, l think we're f***ed.''

And the reason-

the reason was

because we-

and what

made it so obvious

was the housing bubble.

lt was, like, the 47th bubble

of my lifetime.

And every time,

the bubble bursts,

and everybody goes,

''Wow, how f***ed-wow, why?

Gee, who thought?''

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