Stark Raving Black Page #5

Everybody knew

there was a housing bubble.

You'd-f***ing-

You'd be in a neighborhood.

You'd go,

''Gee, that-

''That house cost

$60,000 last year,

''and now it costs

$600,000?

What did they do?''

''Well...

''they put a gazebo

in the back,

''and it's made entirely

of human scrotums.

lt's the most comfortable place

to sit in town.''

The amazing thing is,

is that no one,

not one leader,

talked about it.

Not one leader discussed

where we were headed,

not a one.

They all said

it was going to be okay.

All l heard through

the course of the campaign

was that everything

was going to be all right,

because capitalism is the most

wonderful economic system

ever developed,

because it was developed

by God himself for us.

There's nothing more splendid

than capitalism.

lt is a beautiful garden,

a garden that irrigates itself

and fertilizes itself,

and it needs no sunlight,

because it basks in the glory

of its own reflection.

There's nothing more wondrous

than the garden

that is capitalism.

And if it is left

entirely unregulated,

that garden will grow

and grow and grow

until all of us share

in its beautiful fruit.

And so l went to bed

every night

dreaming about

my beautiful fruit.

And then

l woke up one morning,

and there was

the Secretary of the Treasury

standing behind the White House,

at the back door,

as if he was trying

to get away.

''Holy f***!

We're f***ed!'' he said.

''We're completely f***ed!

''Son of a b*tch!

''l don't know what happened

to the garden,

''but it's

a piece of sh*t now.

''Watch that hand

coming up your ass.

''lt's looking for quarters.

''Put straws in your nose.

''The river of sh*t

is rising.

''Start pulling out

your gold fillings

''and put them on eBay.

l'm getting

the f*** out of here.''

Then he ran around

the White House three times

with his hair on fire.

And all l-

l wondered was,

''What happened that night?''

l guess he was sitting

in front of his computer

finishing his last

online math course

from Phoenix University...

When he reached

that eureka moment.

''Son of a b*tch,''

he cried.

''60 isn't 40.''

Many-

Many people blame

what happened economically

on the people

who they say-

who couldn't afford rent

and bought homes.

Those are the f***ers.

Those f***ers

are the ones.

Those broke f***ers

f***ed everything.

Really? lt was them?

What bullshit.

lt takes a lot of balls

to blame them,

because you got to be

out of your f***ing mind.

You're going to tell me,

if you were broke,

and somebody came to you

and said,

''Look, l know

you can't pay rent.

Want a house?''

''No, l'm going to continue

''to live on the grate

in my box.

''Spring is coming.

l hate to miss it.''

Many congressmen

said that they felt

the problem

was created by those who-

those sons of b*tches

who didn't read their mortgages.

Um...

Who ever has?

You don't read

your own mortgage.

That's why we have lawyers.

You hire a lawyer

or a paralegal.

Or if you're really broke,

you hire somebody

who's f***ing a paralegal.

But you're not gonna

read your mortgage.

That's why we have lawyers.

They study a language

for three years that-

and they learn it,

and it's a language

that if a normal person read it,

they'd have a stroke.

l tried

to read my own mortgage.

On the last page,

there was actually

the outline of a boat

with a squirrel in it.

What the f***

is that about?

Well, l got

to color it in.

Well, keep it

in the lines, f***er.

l've tried to read

my mortgage.

lt's a 1 00 pages long,

okay?

And it's 1 00 pages,

and there's no punctuation.

lt's just like-

it's a run-on sentence.

lt's like driving a car

without brakes.

You go, ''Whoa, whoa!''

l got through

the third line,

and l had my

first out-of-body experience.

l hovered over my body,

and l had to promise myself

l wouldn't read the fourth line,

and then

l could reenter my myself.

What caused

this economic crisis is greed.

lt's purely and simply greed.

That's where you-

that's where it lies.

There is no discussion

of that.

That's what, you know,

we've done over the course

of my lifetime.

lf l-

one of the great-

one of the things that

my country seems to have done

is perfect greed.

You think

Enron and WorldOom,

you think, ''Wow, it can't get

any more f***ed up than that.''

Ha, ha-ha, ha, ha.

Bernie Madoff,

that reads like f***ing fiction,

and if

you read it as fiction,

you'd go, ''Well,

his last name's Madoff.

''That's bullshit.

''You got to be kidding me.

l'm not going

to finish this book.''

lt's greed.

There was one of the great

financial houses

that sunk like the Titanic,

it was run by this guy

named Thain,

and just before

the boat sunk,

he gave those who worked

in his office bonuses,

like a month before.

Like, ''Here, here's a bonus

for blowing up the engine room.''

And he spent

$1 .5 million

just before his-

the whole thing goes to ruin

on his office,

on redoing his office,

redecorating it.

Really?

$1 .5 million?

Are you

f***ing kidding me?

lf l had $1 .5 million to do

a financial house's office-

if l ran a financial house,

which l'm f***ing

thinking of doing,

'cause it's easier

than this sh*t-

''Yeah, sure,

give me that check,

Don't worry about a thing.''

[laughs]

So l'd have a chair

for who l have to talk to,

a desk, my chair,

and then

the rest of the office

would be filled

with a giant aquarium,

and in the aquarium

would be a huge white shark.

And l would have

an intern, very cute,

up on a ladder

with chunks of meat,

and throw it at the shark.

And the shark

would go...[gnashing]

And when he finished

eating all the meat,

the intern would dive in,

eat the shark,

and then rub my back.

How good is that?

That'd certainly

f*** with the guy

sitting in front of me,

wouldn't it?

So he spent $63,000

on a credenza.

By your silence,

l realize none of you know

what the f*** that is,

and few people do.

l'm 60, and no one

has ever called me

and said, ''Lew, you must come

see my new credenza.''

Apparently, it's a glorified

office file cabinet.

l always

thought that the credenza

were the two bones

just above your ass bone,

as in,

''My credenza's acting up.

l must see

the chiropractor.''

And if they had

a piece of furniture

made entirely out of bones,

that might

be worth $63,000.

$87,000

for an area rug.

l know

what an area rug is.

lt's a rug

that covers an area.

lf l spent $87,000

on an area rug,

that rug should be woven

from the pubic hair of virgins.

Yes.

And l should have

a leather-bound book

with photos of the women

who contributed to my rug,

and l would keep

that leather-bound book

in my credenza.

The big argument now is,

how do we regulate capitalism?

Should we?

There are many people

who still argue

that there should be as little

regulation as possible.

And l say that those f***ers

are full of sh*t.

And the reason

that l say that-

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