Stark Raving Black Page #6

and l will not argue with them

or discuss it with them,

or when they talk,

l go, ''Ahh.''

No, because the SEO-

the people who are supposed

to be watching over

this whole thing

and who are obviously

playing a game

of who's got

the biggest cock...

They...

They came out with a list

of what they thought

the first rules

might be.

And the first rule

that was discussed-

and l wish the f***

l was making this up-

the lender

should be absolutely sure

that the borrower

has the financial assets

and resources

and income

in order

to repay the lender.

A lot of people who ran banks

seemed to have forgotten that.

So they needed to have it

written down.

And if you're going

to write that rule down,

the second one should be:

if you're turning blue,

remember to breathe.

One of the major ways that

President Obama

sees us coming out

of this economic decline

is through

alternative energy.

And l have been fighting

for alternative energy

for 40 years,

and l will tell you,

it's not going to happen.

And l know

it's not going to happen,

because everything-

l've wanted a lot of things.

None of them

have f***ing happened.

So l'm pretty sure

this isn't going to happen.

l'm sure

it's not going to happen

because we don't seem

to get it.

You know,

one of the first responses

to the fact that gas prices

was going up was this,

''Hey, l know

what we're going to do.

We're going

to make ethanol.''

Mm-hmm.

And the way we made ethanol

was out of corn.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, do you want to know

when your country-

if you want to know

when your country-

there's no more clearer sign

that your country

is in the midst

of a massive

nervous-f***-breakdown

is when they're turning

food into fuel.

Food.

Mmm, yummy.

Fuel.

Oh, Jesus!

l can never

get that oil down.

You don't turn corn

into f***ing fuel.

God damn it.

Many congressmen

have said,

''People don't eat

a lot of corn,''

and l say, ''F*** you!

l need my niblets,

you son of a b*tch.''

Go to the store.

Oorn's in

f***ing everything.

lt's in green beans,

for f***'s sake.

We're not going

to have alternative energy.

When they finally raised

the requirement

of miles per gallon on a car,

after, like, 25 years,

they finally voted for it.

''Yeah, now

we're gonna raise it,

so that the cars

are more fuel-efficient.''

The argument against that

was that,

''Now the roads

will be dangerous.

''lt's going to be as dangerous

as hell out there.''

Why?

''Oh, because the cars

will be lighter.''

So?

They're not going

to be magnetized, f***er.

That's bullshit.

That's a bullshit argument.

lt's nonsense, you know,

and that's why

it's difficult sometimes

to argue with some people,

because they say something

like that, and you go...

They might as well

have said,

''Giant Kodiak bears

will rule the Earth.''

l started fighting

for alternative energy

during the first Earth Day,

which was 40 years ago,

because Earth Day

was created by my generation.

lt was created

by my generation.

lt's not the Earth Day

that exists now,

when people

are wandering around

trying to sell

compostable nipple clamps.

F*** you.

Earth Day was created

because we were doing-

oh, whew-

a lot of drugs,

more drugs than

you can ever f*** imagine.

And so we came up

with Earth Day

so we'd have one day

that would remind us

what planet

we were living on.

l know we can have

alternative energy,

and l know it because

when l was a kid,

my president said we were

going to get to the Moon.

And he said we were going

to do it in ten years.

And we all thought

he was out of his f***ing mind,

because the only fuel

that we had to get us there,

at that point in time,

was fireworks.

''Let's strap these sparklers

on the back of this Schwinn

''and push it

over the cliff.

Son of a b*tch.''

''Strap a monkey on there.

Shove a cherry bomb

up its ass.''

We're closer now

to having alternative energy.

We're much closer.

And l know

that we can have it.

l know that we can have it

because l have this.

l'm holding

a phone in my hands,

an iPhone.

And-don't.

Don't.

No, no.

This, in and of itself,

is an amazing instrument.

However, it's attached to AT&T,

which makes it

a f***ing rock.

l can call anyone,

okay?

Look at this.

lf l'm in the right place.

l can call anyone.

And see this?

Look at this.

Anyone,

anywhere on the planet,

and there are no wires,

none.

That's f***ing

unbelievable.

And we act like this-

just, you know,

it's been around

for years.

lt f***ing hasn't.

lt wasn't that long ago

that the phone you had

was the phone

in your house.

And it had a wire,

and it was a piece of sh*t,

but it was so heavy

that if anyone attacked you,

you could kill them.

And it wasn't

that long ago

that if you wanted

a cell phone,

it was actually

the size of a walkie-talkie,

and you had to dig a foxhole

to get reception.

And we hold these things,

and we don't even know

where the f***ing-

we don't know where

the f***ing magic-

how does it go in?

We don't know.

You dial a number.

You don't know

where the f***-

you don't know

where it's coming out.

You have no idea

where it comes in.

lt's in my pocket,

and l know it's doing

something to my nuts

that isn't right, eh?

Every time

l get a call, l go,

''Oh, f***.

1 0,000 sperm have died.

But the other seven

are still snappy.''

So...

You can take photos

with this.

lt's a camera.

You can take a photo

of your friend,

and they will look

exactly the way they'd look

if they had hepatitis.

You look swell in yellow.

You can download music

and movies and apps.

They have applications.

l don't even

have to fart any more.

lt farts for me.

lt farts for me.

l'm holding

a computer in my hand.

We are living

in Star Trek time, f***ers.

lt's a computer,

purely and simply.

'Kay?

Years ago,

and not that long ago either,

if you wanted to take

your business laptop

on the road with you,

you had to strap it

on a burro.

l can download 3 million vaginas

in a minute into this.

Don't tell me we can't have

alternative energy.

But what was more important

than anything else-

the reason that we don't have

alternative energy, l believe,

is because,

what was vital to us

and, really, all peoples

of the Earth

was the ability

to type that,

''l am going

to meet you and Bob

''down at the Hooters

for a big batch of chips.''

Smiley face, emoticon,

''Suck my dick,

ha, ha, ha.''

That's what

we needed to do.

We needed to text.

That was what we wanted more

than alternative energy,

the ability

to type a message,

to command someone.

l don't want to talk

to this f***er.

That's exhausting.

lf l talk to him,

he's going to argue with me.

Just be at the Hooters,

you f***!

That's it.

lt's that simple.

We're not discussing it.

There isn't

a person in this room

who enjoyed

learning to type, no one.

There isn't-

there's no one who ever said,

''l must get to typing class.

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