Stark Raving Black Page #7

lt is transcendent.''

But all of a sudden,

they made the keys smaller.

Oh, this so much

f***ing fun.

Oh, this is

the greatest thing ever,

'cause nobody will know

that l can't really spell.

And if you're twittering,

f*** you.

Where do you get

the massive ego to think

that anybody gives a sh*t

what you're doing?

Where the f*** do you even

get that much interest

in your own

f***ing life?

When l'm buying shoes,

l don't go,

''Oh! l am buying shoes.

l must tell the world.''

What the f***?

What level of goddamn insanity

are you at?

And if you're describing-

lf you're describing

what you're doing,

then you're not doing it.

l'd just like

to take a moment

to tell the kids

in the audience that

as an adult, l want to-

l'd like to apologize

for my generation,

because you are f***ed.

We tried,

but it just...

hasn't worked out.

As regards Social Security,

forget it.

We'd like

to get it done for you,

but it's math,

and that's really hard.

And so since

you're not going to get

truly what is rightfully yours

and you should have,

l say, you start-

well, start stealing sh*t

from your parents.

You have every right.

You have every right.

Go for it.

Not the big-ticket items.

You know, that stuff

that's lying around the house,

you know, the stuff

that they don't use,

the stuff-

and you know what?

When you grab it

and send it off to eBay,

they won't even f***ing-

they won't even remember.

They'll be going-

they'll be going

around the house going,

''Where's that thing?

That thing?

''You know,

that thing?

''The one the guy had

in the movie,

you know, the guy.''

And you also deserve

a lot of credit

for this past election,

because you really were

the engine

behind the election

of Obama.

The adults

can't take credit for that.

lf it was up

to my generation,

we would have slept

f*** through it.

But his appeal to you

is understandable,

because he is

the first president,

certainly in my lifetime,

who's filled with hope.

His...

His nipples are actually

bursting with hope.

He is lactating hope.

And when you're young,

son of a b*tch,

there's nothing better

than hope.

Really, it's the best drug

there is.

There's no better drug

than hope.

That's for sure,

and l tried them all.

But l'm 60,

and f*** hope.

l mean, to be honest,

l'm not even sure

l believe in Bob Hope.

Hope was the greatest thing

on Earth when l was young.

Hope's what allowed me

to craft a little basket,

and l filled it with

my dreams and my visions

of all the things

l wanted to be

and l wanted

my country to be

and l wanted

the world to be.

And my father and mother

said,

''Take that down the street,

''and those folks down there,

they'll help you.

They'll help you see

all of this come true.''

And l took it down there,

and they-

they took the basket,

and they said,

''Wow, that's the-

that's the most lovely little

basket of hope we've ever seen.''

And then they put it

on the ground

and sh*t all over it!

But that-

that didn't bother me,

'cause l had hope.

And hope's what allowed me

to wash that basket off,

and l filled that basket up

again and again and again.

And as l grew older,

l became more specific.

You know, l felt that

in a country as rich as ours,

no one should ever

go to bed hungry

and that there certainly

should be an educational system

that allows every child

to pursue whatever dream

they have,

and no one

should have to choose

between finances

and their health,

and for f***'s sake,

there ought to be flying cars.

But...

But none of the things

that l've wanted,

none of the things

that l've hoped for

have come to pass,

and that

doesn't bother me anymore,

because l know exactly

when it will happen,

and it will.

Everything that l've ever

dreamed of is going to happen.

And it will happen...

[laughs]

the day after l die.

l can guarantee it.

l can guarantee it.

You'll wake up

and read the paper:

''Noted comic Lewis Black

has passed away.

Funeral services Friday,

room for flying cars.''

Hope, to me, is a very,

very simple thing now.

Hope, to me,

boils down to this,

that when l wake up

tomorrow morning

and l open the door

to my hotel room,

there'll be a little bowl

of whipped cream there.

Thank you, Detroit.

Thank you.

[jazzy music]

# #

[cheers and applause]

My parents couldn't make

the trip this evening.

They've been in both

my other specials,

and so

they sent a picture.

This is my parents

when they were married.

And they look exactly

the same now,

because they're vampires.

The weird thing is,

is, if you do two shows,

during the second show,

l actually thought

that these things were moving.

l did.

Every so often,

l'd go, ''What the f***?

''Oh.

Oh, sh*t, it's okay.''

And-and l really would

like to thank-

oh, it's that f***ing-

it's that jib.

That's what it is.

lt's that goddamned

f***ing camera.

lt throws a shadow

over it,

and l'm going, ''Ooh.''

lt was

an unbelievable evening.

The place is so haunted

that when

they actually took the film

and then tried

to develop it later on,

Mr. Black did not appear.

Ohh, ohh!

[horn bleating]

John, come on.

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