Starter for 10 Page #3

You're having a party.

Well, of course I'll come.

Not a party, exactly.

I was, I was thinking more dinner.

Or something...

Just me and you?

Mmm-hmm.

Brian, I'd love to.

Is the correct answer.

Okay. Friday.

Something wrong?

No. No, I just think you could've put in

a bit more effort, that's all.

So, where are you taking me?

It's a good job I reserved a table.

- This is great.

- Are you sure?

It looked posher from outside,

with all the candles and everything.

But I love pizza.

And they do one with chips on.

"King Edward."

Hello. Hi. Excuse me.

The Lambrusco Bianco,

could you tell me what year it is?

No, I know. I know what year it is.

I meant what year is the wine?

Very well.

We'll have the white Lambrusco Bianco '85,

please.

Look! Breadsticks. Hooray!

You know, I think I'm going to have

these garlic mushrooms.

Well, you won't be snogging anyone tonight.

So, have you had many boyfriends, or...

- Where did that come from?

- I don't know. I'm just curious.

What, you really want to know? Okay.

When I was 15, there was Charlie,

who was the lead singer in this band.

He was incredibly handsome.

Gorgeous.

I left him for Rufus.

We then had a nine-month affair.

I then went out with his best friend.

And then I had a fling

with a lovely Italian guy called Alessandro.

He was, like, skinny

because he was younger,

but he had, like, muscles and definition.

Gregor was lovely,

but incredibly possessive.

In the end we had to call the police

and I think he was deported.

And I think that that's about it.

Funny, isn't it, how many of them

end up being mad, or suicidal?

- Or in prison.

- I know.

Rufus, you know the performance artist,

the one who set fire to himself?

He used to say I had the kiss of death.

That's why I'm giving it all up.

Concentrate on my work.

Get me to a nunnery.

- Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 1.

- You never stop, do you?

What do your parents do again?

Mum works in a shoe shop and Dad's dead.

It's all right. You don't need to get

all serious. It was a long time ago.

What happened?

Well, he was a salesman. Double glazing.

You know, working on commission.

Long, long hours. He hated it.

Anyway, it must've been eating away at him

because one day he just fell over, apparently.

In this old couple's living room,

selling polyurethane windows.

Forty-one years old. Let's, uh...

Let's get another drink. Excuse me.

- Do you think about him?

- Yeah, of course. Every day.

But we never really got to know one another.

Not as adults, anyway.

I really only remember

sitting in front of the telly with him.

Quizzes. He loved quizzes.

Nature programmes, anything educational.

Knowledge.

That was the key, he said, to being happy.

Not ending up doing some job you hate.

Where's that waiter?

- He'd have loved you.

- You think so?

Of course. Don't you?

Don't know.

I think he might've thought

I was a bit weird, to be honest.

- Oh, he'd have been very proud of you.

- Why?

Going to university. Star of the quiz team.

- Doing all the things he never got to do.

- Yeah, maybe. Maybe.

Anyway, Alice, excuse me,

do you mind if I just pop off to the loo?

You are such a lovely man.

I'm sorry about tonight.

I don't usually cry

until much later in the evening.

You mustn't apologise.

It was very illuminating.

Brian, what are you doing at Christmas?

Just the usual. Watching telly with Mum,

eating cheap chocolate.

That kind of thing, really. Why?

Well, it's just that

we've got this cottage in Suffolk.

And it's so dull when it's just

Michael and Rose and me.

- Who are Michael and Rose?

- My parents.

I thought, maybe you could come and stay.

- I can't really leave Mum.

- No, but after Christmas. For New Year.

My parents keep themselves to themselves

most of the time,

so it'd just be me and you,

walking, reading, hanging out.

- But if the idea fills you with dread...

- Yes!

No... Yes... That would be really good.

It's decided, then.

Thank you.

Good night.

So I take it it went okay then, Romeo?

Well, you know, it went all right.

So is love in the air?

Not love.

- Like.

- Like is in the air.

Mum, I'm home.

Mum?

Brian! Get out! Get out now!

Our obligation to make our own

individual contributions, however small...

His name's Des,

a widower from down the road.

An ice cream man.

You know when he's coming round

because you can hear the chimes.

They've been keeping each other company

ever since I left.

Twice a day, sometimes.

These are nice, Julie.

Little sausages wrapped in bacon, Des.

Eat your sprouts, you'll get rickets.

Rickets is calcium deficiency, Mum.

You're thinking of scurvy.

Brian, I don't care. Just eat them, will you?

And I hope that we shall all try

to make some good news in the coming year.

By the way,

I've got an announcement to make.

What's that, then?

It's just something that happened last term.

- Oh, God, Brian.

- Mum, don't worry, it's a good thing.

Tel me, then.

I'm gonna be on University Challenge.

What, that thing on the telly?

Yeah.

Congratulations, Brian. That's brilliant news.

- Oh, God, what a relief.

- Why?

Well, to be honest, Brian,

I thought you were gonna say you were gay.

- What're you doing, Mum?

- Oh, just telling him what you're up to.

How you're going to be on telly

and everything.

What does Dad say?

He doesn't say anything, Brian.

How long you down for, then?

Actually,

I'm leaving the day after tomorrow.

You're not coming out New Year?

No, I'm gonna go stay

with my mate Alice, in her cottage.

Cottage? What is she, a milkmaid?

Are you shagging her, then?

- Tone, it's platonic.

- What does that mean?

Means she won't let him shag her.

- Get lost, Tone.

- What?

- All right, where now? Ritzy's? Manhattan's?

- Not Manhattan's.

- Actually, I think I'm gonna go home.

- Come on, Jackson, you wuss.

No, no, I'm all right.

I've got reading and stuff.

- But I'll see you soon, yeah?

- Yeah, yeah, piss off.

What's up with you?

Why are we always

telling each other to piss off, Spence?

What's wrong with "Good night",

"Sleep well", "Happy Christmas"?

I just don't get all this hostility.

Listen, Bri. You're my oldest mate.

You're my best mate and I love you.

And I think it's great you're going out there,

meeting all these new people,

staying in cottages.

All that stuff.

Promise me one thing, yeah? Promise me

you haven't turned into a wanker.

Oi, Spence. Spence, wait for me.

- Now, take a towel.

- I'll use their towels.

- You can't use their towels.

- Bye, Mum.

- All right, at least take this.

- What is it?

Cold meat. You know, turkey, ham.

Couple of those little sausages.

Mum, I really don't think

that they're gonna need that.

Oh, take it. It'll only go off. Please.

Just stick it in.

You sure you don't want to stay

for New Year?

No, not this year, Mum. Besides,

you've got Mr Whippy now, haven't you?

Brian. That's enough.

- What?

- You know what. Go on, then.

Have fun.

Happy Christmas, Brian.

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