Staten Island Summer

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1

I grew up in

Staten Island, New York.

It might not sound

like it, but I did.

Staten Island is like Brooklyn

and New Jersey had a baby.

A baby that would grow up to

be either a cop or a fireman.

And you know, Staten

Island gets a bad rap,

but, really, it's just

like any other suburb.

I mean, sure,

it looks like this.

And this.

Is that Staten Island

also looks like this.

And this.

And for me,

since I was old enough

to remember looked like this.

The Great Kills Swim Club.

This is where I spent every

waking hour of my summers.

From 8:
00 a.m. swim practice until

they threw us out at night,

this is where

I found friendship.

This is where

I tasted victory and defeat.

Where I fell in love.

And it's where I had the best job

in the history of the world.

I was a lifeguard.

Now, there are beach lifeguards

who actually guard lives.

Wendell, I told you to get out.

And then

there are pool guards...

Make me.

Who basically do this.

The only reason I became a lifeguard

is because of this idiot.

My best friend in the

whole world, Frank Gomes.

Frank said that girls couldn't

resist a man in uniform

and that we'd be, quote...

Don't drown.

"...knee-deep in snizz."

But the only thing Frank was

knee-deep in was the baby pool.

Hey, what you got there?

SPF 50? No wonder

you two look so young.

You know, if we hooked up,

I'd have to turn myself

in for statutory rape.

Statutory rape's

the not-bad rape.

Hey. No leaving.

But Staten Island girls were never

interested in me and Frank.

They were always too busy

fawning over this kind of guy.

You know, I'm pretty sure you

guys are just aiming too high.

That's Anthony De Bono.

It's really funny, though.

You should keep doing it.

Sculpted right out of

a suburban mom's sex fantasy.

Hello, beautiful ladies.

How's everybody doing?

Candace, I love the new suit.

That's very cute.

Anthony was joining the Navy.

If he could pass the written

exam, which he could not.

Hope I don't get you too wet.

As far as I could tell,

being in the Navy was, like,

90% pushups and 10% saying

"God bless America".

That's how they

do it in the Navy.

God bless America.

That's Mary Ellen.

Stupid. Ah! What the f***?

Her dad was a cop, and she

was basically raised a dude.

Pee in my pool? Uh-uh.

Punks get dunked.

The guy rolling in an hour

and a half late to work?

That was Billy Thomson.

Better known as Skootch.

Skootch did this year round.

Summers at the swim club

and winters at the YMCA.

He was a lifeguard.

That's all he was.

- He was Skootch.

- Skootch!

We were a team.

United together

against this one a**hole.

Our manager, Chuck Casino.

Mr. Marcus, how are you?

They find your kid?

They will.

Mr. Stewart, my man.

Hey, here they go,

one, two, three musketeers.

Chuck thought he ran the place.

I am the captain of this ship.

This is my Amistad.

But no one runs summer.

It was paradise.

But hey, even Adam and Eve

couldn't stay in heaven forever.

And right after Labor Day...

You're leaving us?

Ma, I told you,

he's going to Harvard.

And Anthony's joining the Navy.

We're losing all

the cute lifeguards.

Not all the cute lifeguards.

I'll still be around, ladies.

You smell like beef.

We're proud of you, Danny. Oh,

you're a good kid. Come here.

Come here.

Let me at him. Let me at him.

Thanks, Mrs. Bandini.

Let me at him.

Mrs. Bandini Jr.

Oh! We're all huggy.

Ow!

Okay. See you guys.

Enjoy your game of slowly dying.

Bye. F*** off.

Danny, if you had half the

game with younger women

that you do with older women,

you'd be laying it down.

I talk to women our age.

I'm sorry? Women our age?

I don't know any "women our age".

I know a bunch of girls.

See, that vocabulary you have.

You're wearing a giant sign

that says, "I'm a virgin."

Technically, I had half of

my tip inside Megan O'Reilly

before her f***ing cat

attacked me. Okay?

Do you understand

that you could get

any single girl

in this entire place?

But you don't. Why?

Well, I'm sorry if I have

higher standards than you.

Really? Do you want to

have sex on Christmas?

What are you, Hugh Grant?

You're just a guy.

- You're just a...

- Campbell!

Some kid puked in

the Lost and Found.

I want you to wash all the

clothes and put them back in.

Translation, "You're my b*tch."

And Gomes! Get your ass

back in the baby pool!

Now who's the b*tch, b*tch?

It's definitely not me.

Bye, Bane.

Bye, Batman.

Victor, what are you doing?

Found this f***ing frog.

Gonna shoot it out of

this f***ing leaf blower.

Jesus Christ.

No. No, no, no. You guys, you cannot

invite a mom to a staff party.

Skootch, first of all,

is the keeper of the keys.

So, what do you think, Skootch,

can Ms. Greeley

come to the party?

Mmm.

I'll allow it. Yes, he will.

And you know,

the best part is, dude,

she had a kid,

like, a year ago, man.

She's still f***ing stacked.

Oh, it's incredible.

You're abysmal. Would Danny

ever say anything like that?

No, Danny would not say something

like that, because he's Irish.

Okay? They don't think about

sex till they're, like, 25.

Wow. That's the dumbest thing

I've ever heard in my life.

It's a biology fact, Mary Ellen.

Okay? Read a f***ing book.

Okay, look. First there's

Hispanic guys, obviously.

Then the black guys.

Then the Italians.

Then the French.

And then the Irish, all right?

And then probably, like,

the Asians eventually.

Oh, my God.

When you join the Navy,

their collective IQ is gonna

drop, like, 25 points.

Like, you're going

to sink our ships.

Hey, look.

If you're in love with me,

just say you're in love with me.

Yeah. You know.

Is that how you say

it in sign language?

Is it that?

No, that's "F*** you."

Oh! That's "F*** you."

Hey, scram, kids.

Beat it. It's adult swim

in the bathroom.

I'm the king of the castle.

Home sweet home.

My own executive bathroom.

Dude. Ow. Truce?

Sorry, man. Truce.

Wow.

You guys have

really matured this summer.

Rachel and Rebecca Rabinowitz.

Half Asian, half Jewish.

They were identical,

but somehow everyone agreed,

Rachel was the hot one.

Oh! Rachel.

Rebecca.

- How are you guys?

- Good.

So, hey. Are you guys going to

the staff party on Saturday?

Ooh. Staff party.

Uh, Danny's not,

'cause he's going to Orlando

to get his vagina enlarged,

but I will be there.

Oh! That's cute they invite

the baby pool lifeguards.

Oh, it's cute that you exist.

Why can't there just be

two of you, Rachel?

Why can't there be zero Franks?

I do everything here, okay?

I'm not a baby pool lifeguard.

I'm a lifeguard who happens to

be at the baby pool right now.

Well, it's been great hanging out

with you guys. See you later.

Bye, Danny. Not bye, Frank.

Bye, Rachel. I love you.

Please die in a fire, Rebecca.

Chuck, you in here?

Chuck. Chuck.

Yo. Chuck.

Not now, Victor.

Go away, buddy.

Yeah. Okay, yeah. But you know,

there's a hornets' nest

by the handball court.

This thing is insane, man. It's

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