Stay Cool

How Lionel Got Me Laid,

the audio book

by Henry McCarthy.

narrated by David silver.

I owe a special thanks to everyone I knew

at West Rockwille High.

Without those experiences,

I never would have become a writer.

And, let's face it,

not everyone gets the opportunity to

write their shoulda, woulda, coulda's

and pay the bills

at the same time.

Yes, the cheerleaders,

jocks, stoners, geeks,

the soon-to-be out of the closet

token gay guys,

and faculty members

created who I am today.

Someday I'll go back and

thank everyone personally

and, of course, Lionel

for showing me the magic.

Girl, we are late, late, late.

How late?

Fingers and toes late!

After 20 years, you'd think Henry could

at least get picked up at the gate.

Wino, listen to this.

If Henry asked us about

his new book,

we're gonna be in big... here!

"A fictional tale of an awkward teenager navigating

his way through troubled waters in high school"

Sounds like non-fiction

to me.

Chapter one:

Say you, say me.

Misery thy name

is high school.

The first day in West Rockwille High

I felt totally alone.

I was the nerd,

the geek,

the invisible.

until I met Brian and Wayne.

We became instant friends.

We calculated that a pack of misfits

had less chance of being beaten up

than one solitary dork.

Henry, Henry!

Oh my God!

Safety in numbers.

Oh, look at you!

Ok. Hey, girl.

Good to see you. Let me

look at you, come on.

Mm. Where do I sign for this package?

You look good.

Look at that hair.

Your bags?

Lost.

Let's just go.

Damn it!

Look at you.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, it's not you.

If it ain't wino.

Yeah!

Hey!

What's up, buddy?

Henry!

I was bored stiff

in my classes.

Nobody knew who I was

except for my 2 friends

and the football jock who threatened to

separate my head from my body daily.

That's what happened.

Didn't I tell you?

That's a passe driving hazard.

Here it is.

Homo sweet homo.

All right.

Thanks, guys.

Oh, yeah.

don't forget your balloons.

Well, one for Henry.

One for me. One for wino.

What time tomorrow?

6 a.m.

ouch!

Uh, yeah! We'll...

Yeah...

Zombie hour.

See you then.

Welcome home, Henry.

See you tomorrow.

Bye!

Later, h!

Ow!

Stupid.

Oh, my baby's back home!

Hey, mom.

"Hey, mom."

How are you?

I'm good.

You look great.

Thanks.

No dirty laundry?

Plenty, but airlines lost it.

It's headed to Tokyo.

Sweetheart, I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Well, we'll go shopping.

How's dad?

Oh, he's dad, you know.

I felt like a stranger

in a strange land at home.

Mom treated me

like a 3-year-old,

and dad obsessed

with his hobbies.

Hey, dad.

Good to see you.

Henry.

You look good.

So, what would you like to eat?

I have all your favorites.

It's all right, mom. I'm not that hungry.

I'm really tired.

I've got to get up early

and do the speech.

What would you like for breakfast then, dear?

Pancakes or waffles?

Waffles would be good.

After graduation, I took my toothbrush

and a pair of shoes

and bailed as fast as I could.

But I left one big what-if behind.

And I knew that someday I'd have to go back

and find out the answer.

Hello?

Where are you?

I'm in my bedroom.

Oh, dear.

Hold on a second.

I don't get very good reception.

I've read your handbook on heartbreak

5 trillion and 2 times.

I know this is a painful place

for you to be right now.

Right here.

I'm your manager.

Ok. You call me asap if there's

anything Javier can do.

I can be there in less than 24.

All right, I got ya.

All right, Javier.

I'll talk to you soon.

Bye-bye. Ok.

Hey, you're listening

to John-Tom in the morning!

KRAC 88.1, the home of...

Girls were a mystery to me.

I didn't know how to smell

or what to say to them

or how to dress for them.

Did girls want a guy

with boxers or tidy whities?

I stuck to the tidies

for comfort.

I mean my body was still changing, and...

my testicles wouldn't drop like

the other guys in gym class.

Then I discovered Lionel.

He was cool and knew things

about women, secret things.

Lionel said things like:

"You mean more to me

than words can ever say" and...

and "you are the rain that makes my life

this foolish game."

I studied him.

He became my crash course

in getting laid.

Morning.

I'm bringing sexy back.

KRAC 88.1.

All right, hey, let's welcome

to the studio live this morning

our local talent best-selling author,

Henry McCarthy.

Let's talk about your book

How Lionel Got Me Laid.

Folks, I've got to tell you this is a serious

look at high school heartbreak here.

Hey, how about that girl

in your book, Lauren?

The cheerleader.

Was she a real heartbreaker?

You can't name names.

Think she... think she

read the book?

I would be surprised.

Uh-oh!

Hey!

Thanks a lot, Henry.

Listen, we'll be right back with a pause here

for station identification.

KRAC, K-rock in the morning.

Be right back with John-John.

You know who it is.

I think I'll have

the t-bone steak and eggs, well.

That's it.

And the strawberry pancakes.

Just a short order.

And no whipped cream.

Light on the whipped cream.

That it?

Mm.

No, hold on.

I'll be back soon.

I'm not gonna eat all of it,

just...

Is that Mike Miller?

Mm-hmm. It is.

I don't think he recognized us.

Oh, he knew who you were.

He's been here for 2 years.

And Stephanie Reid works

at Bank of America.

and Josh Williams works

at the Duffy's Dry Cleaners.

Over on main?

Mm-hmm.

You will see the entire class of '88

scattered around and littered

throughout rockville.

If you see somebody

in a grocery store,

they won't even

look you in there eye.

It's as though you share

some dark, dank, deep little secret.

And as long as you don't

register the other person's existence,

then you're not losers

for not leaving

and doing something

more profound with your lives.

It's just embarrassing.

It is wrong.

It is self-hating,

and big girl will have none of it.

What about, um, Scarlet Smith?

What?

Oh, come on.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm just asking. Nothing more.

You poor, sad little creature.

No! No, no, no.

You may not do that.

No.

Forget about it.

Yes, I will forget it.

That's exactly what you should do,

forget it.

Forget it. Henry?

Forget I asked.

This is our high school?

What happened?

Gone!

They tore it down.

Didn't want it to serve as a reminder

of all the lives it ruined.

Come on, let's go.

I'm not going in there.

No, sir.

That, my dear friend,

is a teenage torture chamber.

I wouldn't go back in there

if you paid me a million dollars.

Wish me luck.

45 minutes.

Is that good?

45?

Pull your pants up.

That's mine now.

What's that?

Use your imagination.

Let's go.

It's a pen.

Stop talking.

Keep the line moving. Let's go.

Henry!

Principal Marshall.

Good to see you.

Good to see you, too.

Thank you for having me.

Well, you know, when they told me,

we have an alumnus who's

a best-selling author,

I knew right down there you're the man

for the commencement speech.

Forgive me. I haven't read any

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