Stay Cool
How Lionel Got Me Laid,
the audio book
by Henry McCarthy.
narrated by David silver.
I owe a special thanks to everyone I knew
at West Rockwille High.
Without those experiences,
I never would have become a writer.
And, let's face it,
not everyone gets the opportunity to
write their shoulda, woulda, coulda's
and pay the bills
at the same time.
Yes, the cheerleaders,
jocks, stoners, geeks,
the soon-to-be out of the closet
token gay guys,
and faculty members
created who I am today.
Someday I'll go back and
thank everyone personally
and, of course, Lionel
for showing me the magic.
Girl, we are late, late, late.
How late?
Fingers and toes late!
After 20 years, you'd think Henry could
at least get picked up at the gate.
Wino, listen to this.
If Henry asked us about
his new book,
we're gonna be in big... here!
"A fictional tale of an awkward teenager navigating
his way through troubled waters in high school"
Sounds like non-fiction
to me.
Chapter one:
Say you, say me.
Misery thy name
is high school.
The first day in West Rockwille High
I felt totally alone.
I was the nerd,
the geek,
the invisible.
until I met Brian and Wayne.
We calculated that a pack of misfits
had less chance of being beaten up
than one solitary dork.
Henry, Henry!
Oh my God!
Safety in numbers.
Oh, look at you!
Ok. Hey, girl.
Good to see you. Let me
look at you, come on.
Mm. Where do I sign for this package?
You look good.
Look at that hair.
Your bags?
Lost.
Let's just go.
Damn it!
Look at you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, it's not you.
If it ain't wino.
Yeah!
Hey!
What's up, buddy?
Henry!
I was bored stiff
in my classes.
Nobody knew who I was
except for my 2 friends
and the football jock who threatened to
separate my head from my body daily.
That's what happened.
Didn't I tell you?
That's a passe driving hazard.
Here it is.
Homo sweet homo.
All right.
Thanks, guys.
Oh, yeah.
don't forget your balloons.
Well, one for Henry.
One for me. One for wino.
What time tomorrow?
6 a.m.
ouch!
Uh, yeah! We'll...
Yeah...
Zombie hour.
See you then.
Welcome home, Henry.
See you tomorrow.
Bye!
Later, h!
Ow!
Stupid.
Oh, my baby's back home!
Hey, mom.
"Hey, mom."
How are you?
I'm good.
You look great.
Thanks.
No dirty laundry?
Plenty, but airlines lost it.
It's headed to Tokyo.
Sweetheart, I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Well, we'll go shopping.
How's dad?
Oh, he's dad, you know.
I felt like a stranger
in a strange land at home.
Mom treated me
like a 3-year-old,
and dad obsessed
with his hobbies.
Hey, dad.
Good to see you.
Henry.
You look good.
So, what would you like to eat?
I have all your favorites.
It's all right, mom. I'm not that hungry.
I'm really tired.
I've got to get up early
and do the speech.
What would you like for breakfast then, dear?
Pancakes or waffles?
Waffles would be good.
After graduation, I took my toothbrush
and a pair of shoes
and bailed as fast as I could.
But I left one big what-if behind.
And I knew that someday I'd have to go back
and find out the answer.
Hello?
Where are you?
I'm in my bedroom.
Oh, dear.
Hold on a second.
I don't get very good reception.
I've read your handbook on heartbreak
5 trillion and 2 times.
I know this is a painful place
for you to be right now.
Right here.
I'm your manager.
Ok. You call me asap if there's
anything Javier can do.
I can be there in less than 24.
All right, I got ya.
All right, Javier.
I'll talk to you soon.
Bye-bye. Ok.
Hey, you're listening
to John-Tom in the morning!
KRAC 88.1, the home of...
Girls were a mystery to me.
I didn't know how to smell
or what to say to them
or how to dress for them.
Did girls want a guy
with boxers or tidy whities?
I stuck to the tidies
for comfort.
I mean my body was still changing, and...
my testicles wouldn't drop like
the other guys in gym class.
Then I discovered Lionel.
He was cool and knew things
about women, secret things.
Lionel said things like:
"You mean more to me
than words can ever say" and...
and "you are the rain that makes my life
this foolish game."
I studied him.
in getting laid.
Morning.
I'm bringing sexy back.
KRAC 88.1.
All right, hey, let's welcome
to the studio live this morning
our local talent best-selling author,
Henry McCarthy.
Let's talk about your book
How Lionel Got Me Laid.
Folks, I've got to tell you this is a serious
look at high school heartbreak here.
Hey, how about that girl
in your book, Lauren?
The cheerleader.
Was she a real heartbreaker?
You can't name names.
Think she... think she
read the book?
I would be surprised.
Uh-oh!
Hey!
Thanks a lot, Henry.
Listen, we'll be right back with a pause here
for station identification.
KRAC, K-rock in the morning.
Be right back with John-John.
You know who it is.
I think I'll have
the t-bone steak and eggs, well.
That's it.
And the strawberry pancakes.
Just a short order.
And no whipped cream.
Light on the whipped cream.
That it?
Mm.
No, hold on.
I'll be back soon.
I'm not gonna eat all of it,
just...
Is that Mike Miller?
Mm-hmm. It is.
I don't think he recognized us.
Oh, he knew who you were.
He's been here for 2 years.
And Stephanie Reid works
at Bank of America.
and Josh Williams works
at the Duffy's Dry Cleaners.
Over on main?
Mm-hmm.
You will see the entire class of '88
scattered around and littered
throughout rockville.
If you see somebody
in a grocery store,
they won't even
look you in there eye.
It's as though you share
some dark, dank, deep little secret.
And as long as you don't
register the other person's existence,
then you're not losers
for not leaving
and doing something
more profound with your lives.
It's just embarrassing.
It is wrong.
It is self-hating,
and big girl will have none of it.
What about, um, Scarlet Smith?
What?
Oh, come on.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm just asking. Nothing more.
You poor, sad little creature.
No! No, no, no.
You may not do that.
No.
Forget about it.
Yes, I will forget it.
That's exactly what you should do,
forget it.
Forget it. Henry?
Forget I asked.
This is our high school?
What happened?
Gone!
They tore it down.
Didn't want it to serve as a reminder
of all the lives it ruined.
Come on, let's go.
I'm not going in there.
No, sir.
That, my dear friend,
I wouldn't go back in there
if you paid me a million dollars.
Wish me luck.
45 minutes.
Is that good?
45?
Pull your pants up.
That's mine now.
What's that?
Use your imagination.
Let's go.
It's a pen.
Stop talking.
Keep the line moving. Let's go.
Henry!
Principal Marshall.
Good to see you.
Good to see you, too.
Thank you for having me.
Well, you know, when they told me,
we have an alumnus who's
a best-selling author,
I knew right down there you're the man
for the commencement speech.
Forgive me. I haven't read any
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"Stay Cool" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 28 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/stay_cool_18839>.
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