Stealing Harvard Page #2

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That's what I meant.

So Noreen got into college, and

Elaine had found our dream house.

These wonderful things were locked

in a struggle for the same money.

Not $30, $30,000.

I had to try and borrow it.

- Hello, dear.

- I called my Aunt Jean:

- No!

- My Uncle Dave:

- No!

- And my grandmother:

Who do you think I am?

Albert f***ing Trump?

It was my last option. A man whose

ideas were sometimes so dumb...

...they were brilliant.

I had to go to Duff.

Hey, man, how you been?

John. Been almost two months. Did

you disappear off the face of the earth?

- I've just been busy.

- I've been busy...

...with my landscaping company,

Landscape Escape.

Doesn't mean I have to go and

disappear off the face of the earth.

- I can't stay mad at you, man.

- Duff! You burned me.

John! John!

- Tarp?

- Yep.

- Like a tarpaulin?

- No, just tarp.

Who can't spell tarp, Duff?

Duff? Don't you think you're

taking a little too much off the top?

I know what I'm doing.

I have to taper it so light reaches the

lower leaves during growing season.

But what about this string?

This string is a guide, John.

It's just a guide.

- I don't know what I'm gonna do.

- Know what your problem is?

You don't understand an oath is an

oath. You made an oath to your niece.

No, I didn't.

It was just an offhand remark.

- How much money you got?

- 30,000.

But that's for buying

Elaine a house.

Right. Look, I'm your friend. I feel

like I can talk straight with you.

Elaine, I like her. I like her a lot,

John. But she's a b*tch!

- She's a dirty, dumb b*tch!

- Duff! Come on.

There are more productive things to do

with money besides buying a house.

- Such as?

- Such as...

...putting it in a bag and

throwing it off a cliff.

And that's just coming off

the top of my head.

- I do know how you can get the money.

- How?

You take $1000,

you go to the horse racetrack...

...you put it on a 30-to-1.

- What's wrong with you?

John, it's been done, man.

Kevin Darnell, remember him?

He put money down, won,

and bought a used DeLorean.

He crashed it and died, but

he did get money. It can happen.

I was hoping for something just

this side of theoretically possible.

You know any criminals?

Because, you know,

criminals have lots of money.

How about David Loach?

David Loach from high school?

That guy's a psycho.

You know what your problem is?

You're mentally inflexible.

- Duff, I hate to ask, but...

- John, I'm not rich, you know.

I may look it because of my expensive

tools and my wonderful truck.

I'm like Bill Gates. He may be the

richest, but he doesn't have money.

It's all tied up in stocks.

I'm not liquid, John.

- I'm not liquid.

- What does that mean?

It means I don't have any money

for you, man.

Duff couldn't give me money,

but he could certainly give me advice.

Know what your problem is? You don't

take responsibility seriously.

Maybe you should have thought

before you went and became an uncle!

I'm doing my best, Duff. I know she's

overcome a lot to turn out normal.

There haven't been many people

who helped her.

- Yeah.

- But you know what?

I'm gonna be one of them.

If I don't come through for her now...

...it's possible she could lose faith

or whatever she's got that's working.

I'm getting that money, Duff.

Even if I have to go to David Loach.

You're not gonna

have to go to David Loach.

I've got another idea.

Can you get the beer?

Hey, kids. Duff's Dial-A-Bottle.

Time to party.

- It'll be 20 each.

- I thought it was 1 5.

That's what the flyer says.

But the fine print says "prices subject

to change." Read the flyer.

You happy? You scum!

Give me the money.

I'm not making money. Do I look rich?

I barely break even. Go!

You skunks! You pukes!

Read the fine print.

That is the most irresponsible thing

I've ever seen you do.

Look, I provide a public service, John.

One way or another,

they were gonna get drunk.

Maybe they would have

drank mouthwash or sniffed glue...

...but, you know, they wanted beer.

Those are good, honest kids.

They deliver newspapers,

return old pop bottles all week...

They deserve to unwind and get drunk.

It's all part of the American dream.

Your American dream

just gave you the finger.

It's their freedom.

Jesus, Duff!

Here are your briefs, Walter.

Hi, John.

- Hi, Mrs. Duffy.

- How are your folks, John?

Dead. Still.

I forgot. I'm so sorry. I'm on

medication and it makes me loopy.

- Mom!

- Say hi to your folks, John.

You have to forgive her.

She's been going through empty nest

syndrome since I moved out.

Moved out?

You're 20 feet from the house.

Yeah. And I love the freedom.

I could keep these beauties on

as late as I want.

Great.

John...

I have a client.

Lives over

in the Pembroke Hills Estates area.

Guy's loaded. Last week,

I was just finishing up a job...

But I thought I'd do one last round

of the property. You know, details?

Inspection is important to me. Thought

I'd check out the whole interior.

Although I'm an exterior landscaper,

John, I also do interior work.

I was hungry, so I thought

I'd heat up a brick of cheese.

I need my cheese!

But, John,

I heard something upstairs...

...and I thought,

"I should check this out. "

So I went to look around and

I saw this painting on the wall...

...and something didn't seem right

about it.

And I touched it, and it moved.

And behind the painting,

there was this safe.

But I heard someone coming,

so I gracefully slipped out.

But the best part, John,

is the safe...

...it wasn't even locked.

- Nope.

You turn this corner,

and it's the whole slippery slope.

Your whole moral code

goes out the window. No way.

Look. Is it moral to let some fat,

greasy man roll around naked...

...in a pile of cash when

it could be used for something good...

...like sending Noreen to college?

- We can't.

- The guy's never home Sunday nights.

Sunday we go there,

slip through the window...

...which I accidentally left unlocked

today.

And we grab the money.

- The guy won't miss the money?

- Heard of insurance?

Heard of insurance?

It's called insurance.

He's not gonna miss the money.

He's not gonna pay.

The insurance guys

are gonna have to pay.

And they deserve to pay!

Bastards.

Bastards.

Where are you going?

- Why are you here?

- I live here.

- I thought you were going to a movie.

- That was last night.

- We're supposed look at that house.

- I can't. I've gotta go out.

Why are you all dressed in black?

Are you going to rob a bank?

No, baby. I'm Johnny Cash. Hello.

But I'll look at the house

on the way home. Okay?

Soon as I'm done robbing that bank.

Have a good time.

- Okay. Ready?

- Yeah. Let's go.

Sorry.

All right.

- Here we go.

- Let's go. Let's go, let's go.

- Under the fence.

- Wait.

Go. Go. Go.

What are you doing? It's open.

John. See those dead bushes?

I planted those.

- That's the window there.

- Who should go first?

- I'm not going in.

- What?

Someone has to watch in case

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