Stealing Harvard Page #3

---

he comes home.

- You said he would be out.

- He will be.

- Then why do we need a lookout?

- We don't. Just go in.

- You go in.

- I don't need money. Why risk it?

- What risk?

- There is no risk.

Just go!

- Crap! John.

- Hello?

John!

Good luck, buddy.

Well, well. What have we here?

- Please don't shoot me.

- I'm not going to shoot you.

- Are you gonna call the police?

- No.

What are you gonna do?

My wife died several years ago,

and it's...

It's really nice

to have someone around.

- Now what?

- Now we're going to spoon.

Spoon?

You remember when we went

to Nova Scotia that spring...

...and we had those sand dabs

at that restaurant on the bay?

- Yes.

- Weren't they tasty?

Yes.

I don't think we've ever had sand dabs

that tasty again.

- Remember the boat ride over?

- Yes.

We drove.

Oh, yeah.

Happy times. Turn.

The petting zoo...

All right. Now we do the photo shoot.

Oh, my God.

It won't do you any good

to tell anyone.

I'm a respected member of the

community. No one will believe you.

A mint?

I'm not gay.

I miss her very much...

...and I haven't been able

to properly grieve and let go.

- Do you understand?

- Yeah.

Catch you around here again,

I'll kill you!

That was enough. I had to tell Elaine

that Noreen needed our money.

And no matter how unpleasant

that would be...

...it couldn't hold a candle

to the fetish I just endured.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

Wait. Don't you think you should tell

me what happened at that house?

What?

You said you were gonna

look at that house.

That house.

Yeah, I looked at it.

- It was great. Great.

- Oh, God.

I am so glad you liked it.

Because I did something bad.

I can't even believe I did this,

but I put in an offer.

- What do you mean?

- I know. It seems so impulsive.

But I just love the house so much,

and you do too, so...

- What about the $30,000?

- It's gone!

All of it. In escrow. And we find out

tomorrow if they accept the offer.

Isn't it exciting? Everything is

working out exactly like we planned.

Aren't you thrilled?

- Yeah.

- You don't look thrilled.

I'm in happy shock.

Duff! You left me there.

You said he wasn't home

Sunday nights.

I tried to warn you.

What happened?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened

at all.

If nothing happened,

why are you so angry?

Elaine put in an offer on this house.

If they accept, our money's locked up.

"Sorry, Noreen. Hope you like

working at Dairy Queen."

Mr. Warner wants to see you

in his office.

Thanks, Loretta.

I'm calling regarding the property

on Hyden Street.

I'd like to put in an offer.

You have an offer already now,

do you?

Well, perhaps I could throw my hat

into the ring.

John. Come on in.

So, John-boy...

What did you and my little girl

do last night?

- Hung out, watched television.

- Really?

That's funny. I was visiting a friend

near Pembroke Heights last night...

...9:
30, 9:45,

and I thought I saw you...

...run out of somebody's house

like a bat out of hell.

I saw you, John. Rex saw you.

- No.

- No, John?

Odd. It looked just like you,

and guess what?

He got into a car

looked just like your car.

Interesting.

You wouldn't lie to me. So I guess

my eyes were playing tricks on me.

I'll just have to watch what's

going on more carefully, won't I?

- You won't have to watch...

- Watch what?

I won't have to watch what?

Go ahead, say it.

- I should...

- Say it!

Confess!

I really need to get back to work.

We know.

We know, don't we, Rex?

Okay. I see what's going on here.

You think you're Mr. Real Estate.

That's great. Let me ask you this:

Do you have any kids?

Good. Three of them?

Well, that's even better.

Because I want an audience

when I come over, take you out...

...and beat the living bejesus

out of you!

- I was putting an offer on your house.

- Great. How'd that go?

He's mulling it over.

We got the house!

I was worried about the other offer,

but it fell through.

It must be fate! I'm so happy!

Should we stop?

Why do you always do that?

We get a nice mood going,

and then you ruin it.

I think you have some intimacy

problems, John. I really do.

What is that?

John! John, come here!

Is that Duff?

Yeah, I guess it is.

- You can't ring the doorbell?

- I didn't wanna wake up Elaine.

That's why you were

revving your engine?

Okay, well, I guess someone doesn't

want $30,000.

- From where?

- I asked my uncle.

Are you serious?

I don't know what to say.

Don't worry about it. Hop in.

We gotta meet him in 1 5 minutes.

- I see.

- What is he doing here?

- Evening, ma'am.

- You wanna shut off M'Lady?

You wanna shut it off for me?

Maybe you'd like to shut it off for me!

Just, please.

Just sit tight a second. Okay?

I thought you weren't

hanging out anymore.

- Duff's grown up an awful lot.

- He's still an a**hole.

- Casserole.

- I said a**hole.

- I thought you said casserole.

- I said a**hole.

I heard casserole.

I bumped into Duff, and when

he heard about the new house...

...he was so thrilled, he offered

to do some free landscaping.

- What are you...?

- Don't wait up, okay?

- We may have to do soil tests...

- Got soil testing...

- You're...

- Check the roots...

- Checking the roots.

- Don't...

- Irrigation.

- What are...?

You're waking everybody up!

You come here a lot, Jack?

I don't think that's any of your

goddamn business.

- Sorry.

- So here's the deal.

The state lottery jackpot's

up to $86 million this week.

I don't think the lottery's

gonna help.

Shut up before I show this shoe

your anal cavity.

I don't like this guy.

I got a feeling.

He just wants to know what's

going on, okay, Uncle Jack?

Not here.

My uncle owns one of the biggest

liquor stores in the state.

He's a very successful man.

That's because I found

an opportunity and exploited it.

That opportunity being alcoholics.

And after all these years of work,

I wind up being a pimp for the state.

- The lottery.

- The lottery.

I have one of the biggest lottery

outlets in the state.

Tomorrow alone we'll take

in over $70,000.

You know what I get for that?

Pennies? It's an insult.

So tell him the plan.

Not here.

I got so much lottery money,

I can't fit it in the cash register.

I dump it into a cardboard box

under the ticket terminal.

Can you imagine how easy

it would be to steal that money?

- Wouldn't that be bad?

- That would be bad, hamster-dick...

...unless I knew who was robbing me,

and we had a deal worked out.

It's foolproof. We stick the place up,

we grab the money and we're done.

- And you're gonna be there.

- No, I'm going to be in Reno...

...so nobody smells anything.

The kid behind the counter

weighs like 8 pounds.

Is he gonna piss when he sees

what a big gun you have?

- Gun? No. No way.

- We're not gonna use real guns, John.

- We're not gonna use real guns.

- Just bring me the cash...

...I'll give you 30,000

for your trouble.

You in or out?

- Can I think about it?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes