Stealing Harvard Page #4

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- While I think about cutting off...

...your sack with a dull penknife.

- Where did you get him?

- What are you doing, man?

Excuse me.

Is this 100% cotton?

I want something that will breathe.

- Nice.

- We're going skiing.

None of these guns look real. This one

is green. This one turns into a robot.

Don't they have any

that look like real guns?

- Maybe we should use slingshots.

- A slingshot is not a real weapon.

- It's a toy.

- It's not a real weapon, is it, John?

Define the word weapon for me...

...while this baby smashes into

your temple at 1 80 miles per hour.

- Hello?

- Hi.

- Can I help you?

- We're looking for a gun...

...that looks like a real gun.

Metal, possibly with some bolt action.

We don't sell realistic weapons, sir.

Our store's policy is to make

children's gunplay nonviolent.

Do you sell spray paint?

- Can I help you guys?

- No, no. We're cool.

Look, John...

...we got Mr. Tough Guy here.

Are you ready?

No?

How about now, you bastards?

You want a slice of this?

How would you like a whole plateful

of this, you stupid bastards?

What?

You boys look nice.

Are you going to the dance?

Mom...

...get out of here!

- You nervous?

- I guess.

- You got your gun?

- Yeah, but the paint is a little sticky.

- It looks good, though.

- Thanks.

- Let's do this.

- Yeah.

- John, wait.

- What?

- We should make up some names.

- Why?

Just in case we have to communicate

inside.

I wanna be Kyle. I knew this guy,

his name was Kyle. He was maybe 1 3.

He got two girls pregnant.

Two girls pregnant.

- Yeah, Kyle. Who you gonna be?

- Steve.

- Steve.

- Yeah.

- Okay, Steve.

- Okay, Kyle.

Wait.

- What?

- Wait, I wanna be Steve.

- I'm Steve. You're Carl.

- Kyle!

- I just wanna go in there and do this!

- Kyle!

Excuse me.

All right, American cattle!

Nobody does anything stupid

and you go home to your TV dinners.

- Put your hands in the air, sweetheart.

- Sh*t.

- Get them up.

- Give us the money.

- It's underneath.

- I'll get it.

If he tries to be a hero,

you pop him, Kyle.

- I hear you, Kyle.

- I'm Steve. I'm Steve.

- He's Kyle!

- Give us the money!

- Keep the hands up, schoolboy!

- Here.

Yeah, come to Steve.

All right, get on the floor

and count to 300.

No skipping numbers or counting

in base 8 or anything like that.

- One. Two...

- Look at this gun. This one's better.

Not now. Let's go!

I don't think so, punk-ass! Freeze!

You move, I pop you like a pimple.

Now put the box down.

Now drop the guns.

Drop it!

- I'm trying. The paint, it's stuck.

- F***ing get with it, John.

Steve. My name is Steve!

Drop it!

Go! Go! Go!

- We almost died.

- I've never been shot at before.

There was one other time,

but I didn't know till after.

I told you it was a bad idea.

I told you!

- Know your problem?

- Get out!

You can't thank people

for trying to help.

Help me get my ass shot off?

I give up. I failed Noreen, and I don't

care. I wanna get back to my life.

I've been thinking of this scam

that involves pizza delivery.

You were never Steve!

One of these guys was about 6 foot.

What about the other guy?

The same, only heavier.

- And you said his name was...?

- John or Kyle...

...or Steve.

- And the other guy's name was...?

- Kyle or John or Steve.

- Do you have a permit?

- Yes, sir.

- How many times did you fire it?

- Just once. I shot out the window.

I didn't shoot out the sign.

They did that.

They shot the sign, not me.

And then they doubled back

and stole the surveillance tapes.

They were crazy. They were crazy.

They were crazy.

Anything else you'd like

to tell me right now?

I don't know if this would help...

...I remember four digits

on the license plate.

No. I don't think that

would help at all.

What are you, a complete numskull?

Give me the numbers.

Yeah, I can't believe I got in!

- Patty?

- Who is it?

- It's John.

- Hold on!

- How's it going?

- Hi.

The doorbell gave out this morning,

and they couldn't fix it.

- A little late for an electrician.

- I don't like your tone.

You got something to say,

why don't you say it?

Hey.

I know I've always been

too wild for your tastes...

...but what can I tell you?

I've got an independent spirit.

And a thing for

the Electricians Local 2 1 4.

Why are you so mean?

Give me a break.

Patty, I'm sorry! I'm having

a really rough time right now.

I'm having trouble

getting it together.

John...

Do you remember

Mom and Dad's funeral?

- And that suit you wore?

- The brown one.

You couldn't tie your tie, and you

asked me to do it, but I couldn't.

- It was no big deal. The priest did it.

- But that is a big deal, John.

Because I'm your older sister, and

I couldn't even tie your goddamn tie.

I mean, look, I know I'm not

gonna win the Best Sister prize...

...but...

God, John...

...what you are doing for Noreen...

...is so generous and so good.

It's nice to know after all this time...

...I have a little brother

who maybe sort of loves me.

You know I love you.

You're my family.

Uncle John! What a surprise!

This is my uncle. If it wasn't for him,

none of this would be possible.

Pull the vehicle forward.

A little more. A little more.

Ricky, swing to the branch.

Swing your body.

Pretend you're a little monkey,

but you have a saw...

...and you're pruning.

You're a monkey.

Good. Yeah, no... On the branch.

Prune, Ricky, prune.

Swing it, swing on the branch.

On the branch, Ricky!

Hey, how did she take the news?

Did she start to cry?

Did she shake?

She didn't wobble?

I didn't tell her, Duff, and I'm not

going to. Noreen is going to Harvard.

Because I am going to see Loach.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah.

And you're coming with me. Right now.

Okay, that's an act of God.

Hang in there, Ricky.

Yes, I understand it was a funeral.

I guess I goofed up.

I can see how a happy happy-birthday

basket...

...might seem ironic and cruel,

but it was an honest mistake.

It's not that easy running a small-sized

business out of a house...

...especially this house!

I'm sorry he's dead, but things

haven't been great around here either.

Can I put you on hold?

- Hello.

- Daddy?

Is it okay if I come over?

- What do you want?

- Hey, is Loach here?

Lift high and lower. Point the toes.

Flatten abdominals.

Hey, guys. We're old

friends of Dave's.

We went to school with him.

Yeah, school. I'm sure

you've heard of school.

You probably went there for a couple

of days while you were little.

I'm just kidding.

Trying to break the ice.

Why is anybody talking?

Hey, Dave.

John Plummer. Remember?

You used to call me a**hole?

- I call everybody a**hole.

- I believe I was the first.

- We were 5, maybe 6, at the time.

- Congratulations, a**hole.

Now get to the point.

I might need a partner

for some heavy stuff.

How heavy?

Well, let's just say it's a little

too heavy to lift alone.

Okay, so talk.

Not here.

Okay, just so we're all on the same

page, I'm flying right now. Angel dust.

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