Stealing Harvard Page #5

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So let's keep it real, boys. Keep it

real, and nobody is getting hurt.

I could smell your foot.

I could smell your foot on that one.

He's been acting strange.

He's been out three nights.

The first night he came home,

he went and took a shower.

- That's not good.

- He's having an affair, isn't he?

Now, sweetheart, let's not rush

to judgment. But yes.

Your shitty boyfriend

is having an affair...

...and we might have some

information about that.

Tell me. Tell me.

No. I don't want to upset you

until it's absolutely certain...

...that I can upset you.

Let me do some snooping...

...and then we'll respond

swiftly and without mercy.

What happened?

Did he give you the money?

He said he'd get it for me tomorrow,

Duff. It couldn't have been easier.

I don't know how this is gonna

go down, sweetheart.

- Things could get a little crazy.

- I don't want you getting hurt.

Kitten, I gave the VC 1 8 months to

hurt me, and I walked away laughing.

- Don't worry about me.

- I'm coming.

No, you're not.

This doesn't concern you.

Doesn't concern me? It's my life.

You made a heck of a job out of it.

This guy is a lump.

I don't want you wasting more time.

Who is gonna support you?

I can support myself. Once my basket

business turns the corner, l...

Putting bows on faggy little olives

and water biscuits is not a job.

It's a nice hobby,

but it will never pay the bills.

It's always money with you.

Sometimes I think you care more

about money than you do me.

Kitten, honey, innocent...

I don't want you getting

all emotional about this.

Yeah.

Hello? Is anyone home?

Hello?

Well, well. What have we here?

What kind of car did we have

when we first got married?

- I think it was an El Dorado.

- Yes.

It was an El Dorado, wasn't it? Turn.

I'm not a homosexual, you understand.

I just... I miss my wife very much.

- I lost my wife three years ago.

- You know what I'm going through.

Well, not to this extent, per se,

but I have a rough idea.

You can go ahead

and put your clothes on.

Can I have some privacy? I feel funny

getting dressed around other men.

What the hell?

I'm here investigating

a holdup of a liquor store...

...that occurred a short time ago

on Fourth Street.

- I don't know anything about that.

- That's odd. Here's why.

The license plate on your car matches

the license plate of the car...

...used during the robbery.

- That's not possible.

- It was with me the whole night.

- Where were you?

With... My friend.

- Having a couple beers.

- Where?

I just don't really remember, because

I was, you know, a little messed up.

- You drove drunk?

- I'm sorry?

You were in the car and you were

drunk, so you drove drunk.

Not that I can recall.

- What was your friend's name?

- Walter Duffy. Duff.

And this Duff will say that you were

with him at the time of the robbery?

Yeah, he will. Very much so. Yeah.

- You seem a little shaky, Plummer.

- Yeah.

- The booze. It's a bad scene.

- It sure as hell is.

You told him you were with me.

Gave my name.

- You want me to lie to a cop?

- Yes! Yes, I do!

- Where is Loach?

- He'll be here.

He told us to park in this lot at 3:00

and to wait until he showed up.

Well, it's 1 0 after.

He's not gonna show.

Yes, he will. This is a plan that,

unlike your plans, will succeed.

And do you know why?

Because I did a little creative

visualization...

...and I saw it succeeding

in my mind's eye.

Everybody, hands in the air!

Money in the bag!

Facedown! Money in the bag!

I'll shoot you in the ass!

He's not gonna show.

- Yes, he will.

- Let's go!

- Let's hit it! Start the car, a**hole.

- I told you he'd show up.

- Drive! Hit it! Hit it!

- They robbed a bank!

- Wait, where's my money?

- Drive or die!

Jesus, John, just drive.

They got a gun at your head.

I'm not going anywhere

until I get my 30,000.

- Get these guys out of the car!

- I want my money!

- You are dead!

- Go away!

- You are so dead! You're dead!

- I want my money!

We're dead. Go! Go!

We are so dead! We are so dead!

Get back here, you a**hole!

You a**hole!

I hit David Loach in the head.

I hit him! It felt good, Duff.

That's super. Nice plan, by the way.

Guess I couldn't visualize it...

...because there was a gun pointed

at my mind's eye.

- See you later.

- Where are you going?

I'm certainly not gonna stick around

anywhere near the getaway car!

- I'm just supposed to leave my car?

- Know what your problem is, John?

- Not knowing when to cut your losses.

- You think that's my problem?

That's not my problem.

Wanna know what my problem is?

You. Are. The. Problem!

You! You! You!

It's a two-way mirror, Duff.

I turned 40 last week.

Do you know what I did?

Got my colon scoped by Dr. Spencer.

Do you know what he told me?

"You have one of the cleanest rectums

I've ever seen." And do you know why?

During my quiet time here at work,

I use a toothbrush...

...I have here in my desk to get

to the really hard-to-find spots.

Just for a really good scrubbing.

- You think you're so smart, don't you?

- No.

The way you made those

surveillance tapes just disappear...

...just got rid of them somehow.

- What tapes?

- Will you do me a personal favor, son?

- Sure.

Don't ever play me like a flute. Okay?

You two idiots got real lucky.

I don't have enough to keep you here.

But mark my words, gentlemen.

You're going down.

I mean, you're either going down

or, by God, I'm gonna take you down.

But either way, once you're down...

You'll stay down! You'll stay down!

You will stay down!

Now get up and get out!

Get up, get out! Get up, get out!

Get up and go! Get up and go!

Don't touch my door!

Hello.

I know you're wondering

where I've been...

...and I know I've been distracted

and weird, but I promise you...

...everything's gonna get back

to normal. I love you and...

- I'll get that. Don't worry about it.

- You lying bastard!

- What did I do?

- You pretended to be decent...

...and now I find out

you're a sick, twisted pervert!

What? Where did you get this?

From Daddy. You're a drag queen!

You are a cross-dressing

transvestite freak!

- And you lied to me.

- I did, but let me tell you why.

Noreen got into Harvard,

she needed $30,000...

...I promised to pay for it.

I tried to steal the money...

...from this guy, but I ended up in

a wig and a dress spooning with him.

- Spooning?

- Yes!

Then I went into a liquor store with a

gun and almost got my ass shot off!

And today I came this close to driving

the getaway car for a bank robbery.

And I hit David Loach in the face with

that steering-wheel Club you gave me.

- Crazy David from school?

- Plus there's your father.

- What did you do to him?

- Nothing. That's the problem.

He's always watching me.

And when I come home...

...he's here to take you on dates!

- What dates?

Where he squires you around. You go

to bed smelling like English Leather...

...and I have freaky dreams

about England.

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