Stealing Harvard Page #6

---

Why didn't you come to me

in the first place?

Why was the hardest thing

to tell me the truth?

Of all the things I've done

these past few days...

...the one thing I couldn't do

was disappoint you.

Do you like my baskets?

Yeah.

- You don't think they're just a hobby?

- No, they're amazing!

John.

I know where we can get $30,000.

- Where?

- From my dad.

We're not borrowing

from your father.

- I know. We're gonna take it from him.

- Take as in "steal"?

When he was drunk, he told me he

keeps about $50,000 in cash at work.

- At Homespital?

- Yep. It's just sitting there.

Waiting for us.

This is gonna be easy.

- And fun.

- I don't know, Elaine.

- Stealing from your father?

- What? He's got insurance.

- We're really just stealing from them.

- Bastards.

Yeah.

So tell me again about how you hit

David Loach in the face.

Well, let's just put it this way.

His ass was kicked.

You are so sexy right now.

- You're not crying.

- Why would I be crying?

She couldn't spell "tarp"?

Wait.

I have a confession to make.

What?

I never saw the house.

- Isn't it cute?

- Yeah.

I love it.

I love that kitchen.

Elaine said we needed

a third person...

...and there was only one place

we could go.

We had to go to Duff.

- What's this?

- It's Gruyre cheese. It's good.

Really? Is it good?

Is it mild and nutty,

yet piquant in flavor?

Named after the Gruyres district

in Switzerland?

I happen to know what Gruyres is,

Elaine. I've been to Gruyres.

Gruyre is in France.

- Whatever, Elaine.

- So will you help us?

Mom! Privacy!

- You hit my head on the car.

- I was frustrated. I'm sorry, Duff.

- I have to wear a Band-Aid.

- Are you gonna help us or not?

I can't stay mad at you, man.

We have to promise to not say any

more mean things about each other.

- I have never said anything mean.

- You're a lying b*tch.

- You're a bag of crap.

- You are.

- You're such a loser!

- Skank!

Okay, super! So we're all on board.

Well, hello.

- Everybody ready?

- How about you, Anton?

- Yeah.

- Griselda?

I'm ready, Steve.

- It's Stan.

- I thought you liked Steve.

You saw what happened to Steve.

Screw Steve. I hate Steve.

Let's do this.

Okay. Come on, come on.

Go. Go. Go.

Duff, what is that?

Do you know what you're doing?

I'd like to think the answer

to that is obvious.

Over here.

Cleaners.

They're leaving.

We've got a little surprise for you.

Don't we, Rex?

Duff, is that Silly Putty?

In a manner of speaking, yes, it is.

You guys, it's open.

- Wow, he really likes you.

- Rex!

My little girl with those two lumps...

There you go.

He said there was money in here.

Let's look in his office. Smash a

window, make it look like a break-in.

Smash a window?

Think I'm a little busy here, guys.

Think he might have caught a whiff

of my... Gruyres cheese.

I can't find it. And there's not

one single picture of me in here.

- I bet it's in there.

- What?

Organ Man.

Snack time. Go get the hand.

It's here. All right, let's go.

- Hold it.

- What is it?

You. In command. Taking control.

You're very sexy right now.

I wanna do it right here.

- What?

- Right on my dad's desk.

Here we go. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Joe. Homespital.

Detective Charles.

Backup, immediately.

No! Just get away! Get away!

A**hole! Think you could just

leave me there?

Loach?

Cheap-shot me, then leave me

to get pinched?

I know we sort of got our signals

crossed back at the bank...

...but I've got $50,000 here,

and I only need 30.

Well, well, well. If it isn't big, bad

David Loach. Nice nose.

Why don't you go back in the closet?

I can handle this.

Did you enjoy getting the crap kicked

out of you?

You back for seconds, little man?

Daddy!

- Thank you, Mr. Warner.

- Don't thank me, I thought it was you.

Come over here and stand

where he was standing.

Well, you piece of sh*t.

- Wanna explain what's going on?

- Well...

Shut your cakehole and let's get it on.

Let's go, boy.

In all fairness, I'm younger

and in better shape.

- I don't wanna hear from you.

- Okay, stop it.

Well, Mr. Warner,

you're gonna hear from me. A lot.

Know how I told you I never

had sex with your daughter?

Well, I wasn't being entirely truthful.

We did it the first night we met.

And ever since...

...we've been banging together like a

pair of cymbals in a marching band.

- So get used to it.

- I'll get used to it.

As soon as you get used to walking

around with your balls...

...in a fanny pack!

Come on!

I urge you to drop it!

John, wait! Stop!

- Duff, get in!

- Stop! Stop!

Okay, go! Go! Go! Go! John, go!

Dog, stop!

Duff, where were you?

- Drop the weapon. Put it down!

- But they're stealing...

- They're stealing from my man.

- Calm down.

- From my man.

- Citizen, calm down.

They were gonna have sex

on my desk.

Listen to me. These won't hurt a bit.

- Drive!

- I'm trying! I'm going!

- We've got to get rid of the dog.

- Screw the dog.

No! Stop the dog!

Oh, my God!

Daddy!

- I'm fine.

- I'm sorry. You were mean to me.

I'm fine. I'm fine, really.

It's a good thing you're here, officer.

Because a crime

has just been committed.

Put the dog down.

Number four.

"Oh, yeah. Come to Steve."

Now number three.

"Oh, yeah. Come to Steve."

That's him. The guy in the middle

and the guy next to him.

They robbed the liquor store,

shot the sign, stole the porno mags...

...and the chocolate milk...

Jeez, they're guilty, man.

Might as well tell me everything.

We got your buddy, your girlfriend...

You know one of them's

gonna spill.

I don't think so. Elaine won't talk.

She's my fiance. We have a bond.

Fair enough. What about Mr. Duffy?

- Duff's my oldest friend in the world.

- Why are you pointing fingers at me?

He did it. He planned it.

He's the mastermind.

Give me a pen. I'll sign a blank piece

of paper. You can fill it out.

This is not good.

Breaking and entering.

Animal cruelty.

Attempted vehicular manslaughter.

This is bad.

This is really, really bad.

Okay, look. You are so going to jail.

The best idea is to plead

insanity. What do you say?

All rise.

Court is officially in session.

The Honorable Emmett Cook

presiding. Please be seated.

Good morning, everyone.

Shall we begin?

Remember me?

I have the picture.

I can... You know, I don't...

I see no cause.

So... Charges are dismissed.

- Justice!

- I won a case.

- What are you doing here?

- I had to talk, John.

Look at me.

I can't go to prison.

I wouldn't last a day in there. They'd

pass me around like a bag of Oreos.

I'm sorry, man.

I mean it.

This is $1000, Duff.

What am I supposed to do with this?

- You know what your problem is?

- What?

You're too good a friend.

John?

People always talk about fate.

I never used to believe in all that.

I'd always hoped we were masters

of our own destiny.

And my destiny had become a bet

on a horse named M'Lady.

That, believe it or not,

was a 30-to-1 shot.

I had tried a lot of ways

to get the money...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes