Steam of Life Page #4

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but I keep thinking

that lida was a twin, -

and we got our second child

on our second try -

as there was a miscarriage first...

And then the second child dies

when she's 2 years and 2 months.

Feels like the figure 2

is all used up in our family.

I had just commented

the previous night -

that we are given

as much as we can take.

And boy did we get some.

That was a normal Thursday, -

I had a coffee meeting

for entrepreneurs in the morning.

I left, Minna and the kids woke up,

it was summer holiday.

The meeting took a few hours.

I went out to my car -

and listened to my messages.

I was a bit surprised -

at how many messages I had.

It was the third message....

A womars voice said:

"It's the answering service."

"Shall we leave a message?"

Another woman says: "Yes."

A woman is crying in the background.

The message said then:

"Please call the health center."

My first thought was:

"Now it's happening."

A strange relief...

I don't have to be afraid any more.

I called the number.

I told who I am, -

and they put the call through.

And Minna answered.

Then I knew Minna is OK.

I asked which one or all of them.

Minna said it was lida.

She told me what happened.

I started the car,

my hands were shaking.

I thought I'll never get there.

During that drive,

I only had three thoughts.

That she's there, happy and smiling, -

thinking how she scared us.

The second one was -

that she was a vegetable.

I realized that if you don't breathe, -

the brain damage is immediate.

And the third one was: She's dead.

The mood went from happy to sad.

And then I just screamed.

I got to the health care center.

Minna is walking towards me.

She says that lida is dead.

There was bench -

and we sat down and cried.

Minna asked if I wanted to see lida.

Afterwards I realized -

I didn't want it at that moment.

When we go inside and get to lida...

It's strange, a dead child...

Does not look like herself at all.

I felt like...

That when the soul has left -

the body looks different.

She didn't look like lida.

Then they told us after a while

that we should go home -

and the child should be taken

to the morgue.

We walked her there.

There were piles of laundry

along the corridors.

There was a little lounge

and we left lida there.

I couldn't bear watching it.

That they will put the child

into a dark, cold room.

An unbearable thought.

We went to see lida a few times

at the health center morgue -

before she was taken

to Tampere for autopsy.

I could never go in there, -

I had to ask the staff

to take lida out.

The thought of darkness and cold

was just unbearable.

She always liked warmth.

I always thought that life is ruled

with rationale and theories -

and intellect and head.

I've been a real robot, machine head.

Then you lose your child,

and there is no reason, -

it's all pure emotion.

How can you deal with that rationally?

Very contradictory emotions, -

like when Minna, Roosa and Essi

were there and lida died.

That raises

mixed emotions.

I was angry at myself

for not being there, -

a man should protect his family.

I let down my family.

On the other hand, I was jealous

to Minna for being there.

I've talked to other fathers

whose children have died -

about what we have learned

as children about coping with this.

What are the options for boys?

Being silent and drinking.

"Boys don't cry."

When you think of the situation,

it's no wonder -

that you don't know how to act

when you're next to your dead child.

You try to look for a norm

that isn't there.

Later, you realize...

I was just looking for a way to act,

a way to continue my life.

I had this surreal thought

that if I'm ever in this situation again -

I would want to scream.

Just scream everything out.

When I was younger, I thought

you should manage everything alone.

I don't need help,

I don't need sympathy.

I'm fed up with it,

I don't want to be alone.

I want to share things.

Only now I understood that

solitude is the worst thing.

Only knowing you are not alone

is an incredible relief.

Sweetly the squirrel baby

Sleeps on her mossy bed

Never reached by hounds

Nor snared by hunters

Safe in her nest

From her cocoon high up

She looks upon the world

After seeing so many fights

The peace flag of her home tree

Is flying over her head

Oh to live happily

In the swinging cradle up so high

Squirrel nesting forever

In the gentle arms of the tree

Hear the song of the woods

That's where the furry cutie

Is sleeping on her window

Birds on the skies

Are singing lullabies

Taking her to

The sweet land of dreams

This film is dedicated to Finnish men

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