Steve Rannazzisi: Breaking Dad Page #2

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What the [bleep] is that?"

Just, "Blurgh!"

Crawling out of the water?

An ex-linebacker?

Covered in seaweed?

Your brain would

never work right again.

They brought him

to the hospital.

He had, like,

over 150 jellyfish stings,

like, all over his body.

Yeah, yeah,

it was horrible.

They gave him shots, ointment,

and then he checked himself

out of the hospital.

Yeah, he released himself.

He was like, "I want

to go home and see my family."

Went home, just

hanging out with his family.

They made him do

a press conference,

and they asked him, "Dude,

what made you swim?

"Like, at some point,

you had to go, 'No, I'm done.

I can't do it anymore.'"

He was like,

"Every time I wanted to stop,

"I just thought of my wife

and my kids,

and I just kept going."

And I was like, "Oh, my God.

Who is this man's family?"

Like, who is his wife?

She must make him pancakes

and [bleep] his dick

while he's eating them.

Right?

His kids must have paper routes

and mow people's lawns

and give him the money.

"Here, Dad. You keep this.

You're gonna need it one day

for us."

Dude, you put me

in that exact same situation

and I got to swim?

Yeah, I'm gonna [bleep] swim,

but I'm going to Cuba, okay?

Everybody thinks I'm dead?

[bleep] this sh*t!

I'm out of here!

And I would swim,

and I would swim,

and every time I wanted to stop,

I would just hear

my kids in the background:

"Daddy, I want this.

Daddy, I want that."

I'd be passing people on rafts

going this way,

like, "No, no, guys, I'm good.

I know which way I'm going.

I'm going this way."

I'd be the first person to swim

to Cuba for freedom, guys.

[laughter and applause]

Yeah.

When you got kids--

like, we're in the weeds.

Do you guys have kids,

any of you?

Yeah? Couple people?

How old are your kids, ma'am?

She's 20 months? Yeah.

You don't really count yet,

then.

It's not that--

'cause you have one.

One is, like, you can do

zone coverage on one.

You still, like--

zone coverage.

I have two,

so I went from zone coverage

to man-to-man.

Zone coverage is so much easier.

You can go to a barbecue,

and if nobody's in your zone,

you can talk,

you can smoke a joint,

you can do whatever you want.

Zone coverage means

you have cover this area.

"This is my area," okay?

But if there's nobody there,

it's [bleep] game on for Steve.

But as soon as someone comes in,

that's your problem then.

So whenever my son

would come into my area,

I'd be like,

"Hey, Mommy's got a unicorn

"and some gummy bears

over there.

Go find her. Yeah."

Out of my zone.

Not my [bleep] problem anymore.

But now it's man-to-man.

Everyone get your man.

Man up. One-on-one.

We argue on the way to places.

We'll have, like--

in the car.

'Cause you got to figure out

before you get there,

'cause as soon as

the doors open, boom, chaos.

You got to go.

So I'll be like,

"Babe, who do you want?

"Which one do you want?

Do you want diapers or chaos?

What do you want in your life?"

She's like, "I want

the six-year-old."

I'm like, "Okay.

"Honestly, you can't handle

the six-year-old.

"You can't.

He's too fast for you, babe.

"Have you seen him run?

"You're wearing heels.

"You're gonna tear an ACL

or twist an ankle

"in front of all

our friends and family.

"If he goes on you,

"you got to pull his hair

and trip him to the ground.

"People are gonna

look at you weird,

"but that's on them;

that's not on you.

We got to do

what we got to do to survive."

Yeah.

My six-year-old's fast.

And he's a good boy too.

He's turned into a really,

really good kid.

He's sweet and he's kind,

and he doesn't have to be,

because he's

really good-looking.

Yeah.

Like, he's, like,

'80s bad boy good-looking.

Like Billy Zabka,

"Sweep the leg,"

I'm [bleep] badass"

good-looking.

"[bleep] yourself. I don't

have to be nice to anybody."

Yeah, he's got these

big brown eyes,

and he just looks at you

and just melts your heart.

Like, he knows

he's good-looking too.

That's what he does.

He uses it to his advantage.

Like, he practices looks.

Like, he'll come into the room

and be like, "Daddy,

what do you think about this?"

I'm like, "Buddy,

that's a pretty good look."

"Yeah, I know."

Yeah, he practices looks

so he can melt our hearts.

And that's the problem,

is that I can't discipline him

the way I want to.

Like, I want

to get upset with him

and tell him

what he's done wrong,

but he just looks at me

and just melts me.

The only way

I can describe it is,

imagine you walked in

on your wife or your girlfriend

having sex with Ryan Gosling,

okay?

You're gonna walk into the room.

You're gonna see her

going at it with someone.

You'll be like, "What

the [bleep]'s going on here?"

And then all of a sudden,

Ryan Gosling's

just gonna look up at you.

And you're gonna be like, "Dude,

"not cool, but kind of

really [bleep] cool, babe.

"Holy sh*t!

"How did you get Ryan Gosling,

babe?

"This is nuts.

"All right, you guys finish up.

"I'll be outside,

but, like, babe,

"I want the deets

on this Ryan Gosling thing.

Wow."

Yeah, you wouldn't be able

to get pissed.

But like most beautiful people,

you know, he's jealous.

He doesn't want anyone

pulling focus from him.

He wants

all the attention on him.

So now his brother,

he wants his brother gone.

Gone--and I'm not talking about,

like, out of the house.

I'm talking about murdered,

like, dead.

Out.

Yeah, people talk about jobs.

My job is to tell dick jokes

to strangers at night.

My wife's job

is to keep people alive.

It's like a real-life game

of Clue,

and she has to win every time.

And I have a brother.

We beat each other up

growing up.

You know, physical violence.

That's--I was prepared for that.

It's not what this kid

is interested in at all,

at all.

He's next-level.

For example, my wife

called me up, and she's like,

"I don't know

what to do with this."

I was on the road.

She's like,

"The six-year-old

put a Monopoly piece

"in the three-year-old's

favorite snack

"and then just left it there

like a mousetrap

and then called him over."

He's like, "Jonah, come get

your peanut butter crackers.

"They're right over here.

"Yeah, Mommy said

to eat this one first.

This is the freshest."

And he ate it,

and nothing happened.

And the six-year-old's like,

"Foiled again!"

How do you discipline that?

You're gonna tell that

to go into a time-out?

You're gonna put Jason Bourne

in a time-out?

No, you're not.

No, you're not.

He's gonna snap your neck

and take your passport.

And you're gonna wake up

shirtless in the Philippines.

Yeah, I caught him myself

one time.

It was like--

I'm like, "Oh, my God,

I don't even know

what we're gonna do."

I was in my house,

and I was walking

through my living room--

actually, I wasn't walking.

I was limping,

because I was faking an injury.

My wife wanted to go

pumpkin-picking that weekend,

and I'm not doing

pumpkin-picking

during the NFL season

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