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Steve Rannazzisi: Breaking Dad Page #3
- Year:
- 2015
- 70 min
- 47 Views
on a [bleep] Sunday,
so I faked the injury.
I'm like, "Babe, I can't.
"I got--I got to do the--
I got problems."
So I'm faking my injury,
and I'm walking
through the house,
and I see my three-year-old
standing at the top
of our stairs
just kind of like,
"Hey, Daddy!"
Just waving his hand.
"Daddy!"
And my six-year-old
is beautiful.
My three-year-old is...
funny.
The kid is funny.
He's just a funny kid.
It's like I'm raising Black Swan
and Chris Farley.
That's the dynamic I have
happening at my house.
So he's like,
"Hey, Daddy!"
And I'm like,
"Hey, buddy. Come on!"
"Don't stand there.
"You got to come down
or go to your room,
but that's not a good place."
"Daddy!"
And for those of you
who don't have kids,
look, three-year-olds
can walk around, move.
They have--all that is--
they're fine.
But every once in a while,
they just look like they lose
Inexplicably,
they look like Kramer
going through a door
onSeinfeld.
They're just [bleep]
all over the place.
So you really got to watch them.
So I'm like, "Buddy, come on.
You got to come down
or go back."
He's like, "Hey!"
He's standing there.
I'm like, "Ah,
I have to go get him."
So I take a step up the stairs.
I'm trying to
limp up the stairs.
And before I get two steps up,
I just see my six-year-old
pop his head out of his room,
and he doesn't see me,
but he sees his brother,
and he's felt weakness.
Yeah, like, in his room,
went off,
and he's like, "Oh, it's time
to murder a [bleep]."
And he sees his brother
dangling at the front step,
and he goes for him.
So, again, me being a good dad,
I'm like, "You know what?
"Bullshit.
"Let's just see how
"Got carpeted stairs
and an iPhone.
"This is how memories get made.
This is how brothers
become brothers."
So I watched
this son of a b*tch--
yeah--I watched him walk up
behind his own brother,
his own flesh and blood,
and he takes him
by the shoulders
and then face first
over the front step like this.
Whap!
But then he holds on to him,
pulls him back,
turns him around,
and looks at him
and goes, "I saved you"
and then disappears
into the shadows.
[laughter and applause]
And I just stood there.
I was like, "Oh, sh*t,
this kid's a gangster."
He doesn't give a [bleep]
about physical damage.
He's starting from the inside,
guys.
That's what they do
at POW camps, by the way.
Yeah, I've got a Guantanamo baby
on my hands at my house.
Gitmo baby.
And I would be really worried--
really worried--if the
three-year-old wasn't so big,
but he's big.
Like, he's gonna be fine.
He's gonna beat the sh*t
out of the other one one day.
And I cannot wait to watch it.
I cannot.
Big.
My six-year-old's,
like, 50 pounds.
My three-year-old's,
like, 42, I think.
Like, the gap's getting smaller
every day.
He eats like I've never seen
It's startling to watch
my three-year-old eat.
It should be
a wonder of the world.
We eat dinner
every night at 5:00.
Every night.
Don't come over at 5:30,
fashionably late,
with a bottle of wine.
The sh*t is done.
The dishes
are in the dishwasher.
It's over.
5:
00 every day.4:
30, my three-year-oldwalks around our kitchen
like a baby Mario Batali,
just making sure
all the prep work is being--
"Okay, you're gonna do that.
Good.
"A little less yapping and more
peeling of the carrots, please!
Let's go! We're going!"
4:
45, he's justin his high chair,
just sitting there like a nerd
He's like,
"When's it gonna happen?
I'm so excited!"
4:
50, it's just noises.It's just, "Ouugh!"
Just guttural.
"Ouugh!"
And at 5:
00, if you're notputting the mac and cheese
in front of his face like this,
he goes off
like a disgruntled union leader.
He's like, "What the [bleep]'s
going on around here, huh?
No, nobody's eating!"
He's pissed.
He wants that mac and cheese.
Give it to him;
he's earned it.
Put it in front of him.
He doesn't wait
for anybody else.
Just, "Dat dat dat dat dat!"
Plows it--"dat dat dat dat!"
Pushes his plate away,
gets up, excuses himself.
"I got to go."
"What?
You're three, buddy.
Where are you going?"
"I got to go work out."
I'm like, "All right, fine.
Have fun."
Yeah, I mean--okay,
so we have a new house.
So when you get a house, you got
and that's just not my--
I'm not good at it.
You know? I'm not.
Do you fix stuff
around the house, dude?
No?
Do you have any skills
in that arena?
Can you do, like, a--
put up, like, a door
or a screen?
- I could try.
- You could try.
Yeah, I could
[bleep] try, too, a**hole.
It ain't gonna work.
You could try.
We can all try.
I bought the house
from a guy who had--
he had a 30-foot workbench
in the garage.
Yeah, a 30--
like, he fixed sh*t.
I moved in.
I brought my tool kit.
And I was--first of all,
should I hold
the tool kit like this?
Brought my tool purse with me.
Just placed it down over there.
Yeah, I have a tool kit.
It has two screwdrivers in it,
and they both have
this thing at the top.
Whatever this is,
I got two of 'em.
People come over, like,
"Do you have a screwdriver?"
I'm like, "Well,
I got this one and this one.
This one's a little bit bigger
than this one."
We have an electrical outlet
in our room that doesn't work,
and my wife's like, "Do you know
why this socket doesn't work?"
And I was like, "I don't know."
And she's like, "That's it?
That's your whole answer?
'I don't know?'"
I'm like, "Well, do you want
to know what's in my head, babe?
"What's in my head,
it's because the magic fairies
"that take the electricity
to the rest of the house
"don't know this one's here.
Which narrative do you want
to go with, love of my life?"
How does water go upstairs?
Anybody answer that!
How...
does it go up?
Up the pipe?
I stare at my upstairs toilet--
these are the things
that keep me up at night.
I stare at my upstairs toilet,
and I'm just like,
"If you break,
"I'm gonna have to call David
Blaine to come fix this sh*t.
I don't know magic."
Winding down
Coach my son's
Little League team.
(man)
Whoo!
Yeah, don't--no, don't.
We're 2-14.
It ain't going well.
I'm the manager.
two weeks ago
if I had the authority.
Yeah, I'm the only guy
that helps out on the team.
Like, I'm the manager,
the coach,
the equipment person,
the snack b*tch.
I do it all.
Nobody else cares.
Nobody else
wants to be involved.
Nobody, and I got
17 kids on my team.
17!
That does not seem right at all.
I don't know if any of you guys
but there are nine positions
in baseball.
I got 17 six-year-olds.
Try to sit a six-year-old.
I sent nine of them out there.
I sat eight of them
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