Steve Rannazzisi: Breaking Dad Page #3

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on a [bleep] Sunday,

so I faked the injury.

I'm like, "Babe, I can't.

"I got--I got to do the--

I got problems."

So I'm faking my injury,

and I'm walking

through the house,

and I see my three-year-old

standing at the top

of our stairs

just kind of like,

"Hey, Daddy!"

Just waving his hand.

"Daddy!"

And my six-year-old

is beautiful.

My three-year-old is...

funny.

The kid is funny.

He's just a funny kid.

It's like I'm raising Black Swan

and Chris Farley.

That's the dynamic I have

happening at my house.

So he's like,

"Hey, Daddy!"

And I'm like,

"Hey, buddy. Come on!"

"Don't stand there.

"You got to come down

or go to your room,

but that's not a good place."

"Daddy!"

And for those of you

who don't have kids,

look, three-year-olds

can walk around, move.

They have--all that is--

they're fine.

But every once in a while,

they just look like they lose

all motor function at once.

Inexplicably,

they look like Kramer

going through a door

onSeinfeld.

They're just [bleep]

all over the place.

So you really got to watch them.

So I'm like, "Buddy, come on.

You got to come down

or go back."

He's like, "Hey!"

He's standing there.

I'm like, "Ah,

I have to go get him."

So I take a step up the stairs.

I'm trying to

limp up the stairs.

And before I get two steps up,

I just see my six-year-old

pop his head out of his room,

and he doesn't see me,

but he sees his brother,

and he's felt weakness.

Yeah, like, in his room,

his little spidey senses

went off,

and he's like, "Oh, it's time

to murder a [bleep]."

And he sees his brother

dangling at the front step,

and he goes for him.

So, again, me being a good dad,

I'm like, "You know what?

"Bullshit.

"Let's just see how

this thing plays out, okay?

"Got carpeted stairs

and an iPhone.

"This is how memories get made.

This is how brothers

become brothers."

So I watched

this son of a b*tch--

yeah--I watched him walk up

behind his own brother,

his own flesh and blood,

and he takes him

by the shoulders

and then face first

over the front step like this.

Whap!

But then he holds on to him,

pulls him back,

turns him around,

and looks at him

and goes, "I saved you"

and then disappears

into the shadows.

[laughter and applause]

And I just stood there.

I was like, "Oh, sh*t,

this kid's a gangster."

He doesn't give a [bleep]

about physical damage.

He's starting from the inside,

guys.

He's building trust up.

That's what they do

at POW camps, by the way.

Yeah, I've got a Guantanamo baby

on my hands at my house.

Gitmo baby.

And I would be really worried--

really worried--if the

three-year-old wasn't so big,

but he's big.

Like, he's gonna be fine.

He's gonna beat the sh*t

out of the other one one day.

And I cannot wait to watch it.

I cannot.

Big.

My six-year-old's,

like, 50 pounds.

My three-year-old's,

like, 42, I think.

Like, the gap's getting smaller

every day.

He eats like I've never seen

a human being eat in my life.

It's startling to watch

my three-year-old eat.

It should be

a wonder of the world.

We eat dinner

every night at 5:00.

Every night.

Don't come over at 5:30,

fashionably late,

with a bottle of wine.

The sh*t is done.

The dishes

are in the dishwasher.

It's over.

5:
00 every day.

4:
30, my three-year-old

walks around our kitchen

like a baby Mario Batali,

just making sure

all the prep work is being--

"Okay, you're gonna do that.

Good.

"A little less yapping and more

peeling of the carrots, please!

Let's go! We're going!"

4:
45, he's just

in his high chair,

just sitting there like a nerd

waiting forStar Warsto open.

He's like,

"When's it gonna happen?

I'm so excited!"

4:
50, it's just noises.

It's just, "Ouugh!"

Just guttural.

"Ouugh!"

And at 5:
00, if you're not

putting the mac and cheese

in front of his face like this,

he goes off

like a disgruntled union leader.

He's like, "What the [bleep]'s

going on around here, huh?

No, nobody's eating!"

He's pissed.

He wants that mac and cheese.

Give it to him;

he's earned it.

Put it in front of him.

He doesn't wait

for anybody else.

Just, "Dat dat dat dat dat!"

Plows it--"dat dat dat dat!"

Pushes his plate away,

gets up, excuses himself.

"I got to go."

"What?

You're three, buddy.

Where are you going?"

"I got to go work out."

I'm like, "All right, fine.

Have fun."

Yeah, I mean--okay,

so we have a new house.

So when you get a house, you got

to do stuff around the house,

and that's just not my--

I'm not good at it.

You know? I'm not.

Do you fix stuff

around the house, dude?

No?

Do you have any skills

in that arena?

Can you do, like, a--

put up, like, a door

or a screen?

- I could try.

- You could try.

Yeah, I could

[bleep] try, too, a**hole.

It ain't gonna work.

You could try.

We can all try.

I bought the house

from a guy who had--

he had a 30-foot workbench

in the garage.

Yeah, a 30--

like, he fixed sh*t.

I moved in.

I brought my tool kit.

And I was--first of all,

should I hold

the tool kit like this?

Brought my tool purse with me.

Just placed it down over there.

Yeah, I have a tool kit.

It has two screwdrivers in it,

and they both have

this thing at the top.

Whatever this is,

I got two of 'em.

People come over, like,

"Do you have a screwdriver?"

I'm like, "Well,

I got this one and this one.

This one's a little bit bigger

than this one."

We have an electrical outlet

in our room that doesn't work,

and my wife's like, "Do you know

why this socket doesn't work?"

And I was like, "I don't know."

And she's like, "That's it?

That's your whole answer?

'I don't know?'"

I'm like, "Well, do you want

to know what's in my head, babe?

"What's in my head,

it's because the magic fairies

"that take the electricity

to the rest of the house

"don't know this one's here.

Which narrative do you want

to go with, love of my life?"

How does water go upstairs?

Anybody answer that!

How...

does it go up?

Up the pipe?

I stare at my upstairs toilet--

these are the things

that keep me up at night.

I stare at my upstairs toilet,

and I'm just like,

"If you break,

"I'm gonna have to call David

Blaine to come fix this sh*t.

I don't know magic."

Winding down

on the Little League season.

Coach my son's

Little League team.

(man)

Whoo!

Yeah, don't--no, don't.

We're 2-14.

It ain't going well.

I'm the manager.

I would have fired myself

two weeks ago

if I had the authority.

Yeah, I'm the only guy

that helps out on the team.

Like, I'm the manager,

the coach,

the equipment person,

the snack b*tch.

I do it all.

Nobody else cares.

Nobody else

wants to be involved.

Nobody, and I got

17 kids on my team.

17!

That does not seem right at all.

I don't know if any of you guys

are sports buffs out here,

but there are nine positions

in baseball.

I got 17 six-year-olds.

Try to sit a six-year-old.

I tried it the first week.

I sent nine of them out there.

I sat eight of them

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