Steve Rannazzisi: Breaking Dad Page #4

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down on the bench,

and they're just staring at me,

and I'm like,

"Oh, see all your friends

out there having fun?

"Look at that kid.

Look at him!

"He just caught the ball! Yeah!

"Sit on the bench and watch him.

Go ahead.

Study the game.

You'll fall in love with it."

No, they [bleep] hated it.

They're running around.

So now I send them all

out there.

I send all 17 out there.

"Here we go!

"Tyler, short-shortstop,

"right next to

second-second base.

"Go get it, buddy.

"Yup, Mason, go walk

around the field,

"pick up the cigarette butts,

put them in your hat, buddy.

"Get the whole perimeter.

"You know how you do it.

"Jackson, go follow him.

Make sure he doesn't eat them.

Just bird-dog him for me, okay?"

17.

And they're cute.

You know, they're six.

They got their little gloves

and uniforms and hats.

And they're standing

out in the field.

And, really, the only thing

they have in common

is that not one of them

gives a [bleep] about baseball.

Not one kid wants to be there.

Not one.

Now, I have a kid

who goes out to right field,

and he throws--

he brings a soccer ball with him

and he plays soccer.

He practices his soccer drills.

Right in right field.

It'sBend It Like Mason

in right field.

I got another kid

who combs the infield dirt

looking for the biggest rocks

he can find,

and he picks them up,

and he throws them at the kids

on the other bench.

Not interested

in the game at all.

Rocks at [bleep] kids.

Unbelievable arm, by the way.

Fantastic arm.

Take the rock out of it,

put a baseball into it,

it's like pissing in the wind.

He's all over the place.

Put the rock back in,

he's like a Middle Eastern kid

fighting back the army, just--

every time.

Right down the middle.

I got another kid

who cups his farts,

walks over to his teammates,

and he just [bleep]

throws them at them like this.

And I made that kid the captain.

That kid is the captain.

Put a C on that kid's chest.

That builds team spirit.

That's camaraderie.

You can't fake that energy.

As I sit on the mound,

six hours a week,

just throwing the ball.

"Come on.

One of you [bleep] just hit

this ball forward, please."

Nobody ever hits

the ball forward, nobody.

It's like the Halley's Comet

of Little League.

It feels like it never happens,

but when it does,

it's magical.

That's when all 17 kids

on the team,

regardless of positioning,

they now check

back into this game,

and they run to that ball.

There is no more team.

It isBraveheart,

every man for themselves.

I've seen fishhooks,

eye gouges,

kids diving

on top of one another,

making a little

six-year-old human pile.

Because they all want that ball,

every one of them.

'Cause that's

the coolest kid of all.

The kid who gets the ball,

he gets to come out of the pile,

raise it over his head,

and then throw it

over to first base.

But guess what.

Nobody's at [bleep] first base,

nobody,

including the kid

that hit the ball.

As soon as he hit it,

he just dropped his bat

and just ran into the pile

to get his [bleep] ball back.

I don't blame him.

That's more fun that running

around some stupid dirt bases.

Yeah.

17 kids, man.

And not one Dominican.

They could not find me

one Dominican kid?

I got Tylers, Chances, Masons.

There wasn't a Raul,

a Manny, a Big Papi

[bleep] hanging out anywhere?

No?

Not for Coach Steve?

Okay. Fine.

All right.

I'm looking at two

12-year-old kids online

for adoption right now.

They're Dominican.

They're very skinny.

I want to get them

over here, guys.

I want to learn about paella.

I want to put them

in school, maybe.

See if they have

a Korean pitcher friend

they can bring with them.

I want to build a winner.

That's all.

Don't put Coach Steve in charge.

I'm gonna win.

'Cause the problem I have

is that the kids on my team,

they don't want

to play baseball.

They don't.

If you asked my son

what he wants to be right now--

Batman.

Superman.

That's it.

That's his jam, superheroes.

He wears a cape.

Like, that's his

everyday outfit.

Underwear, cape.

Like, his cape is his favorite

thing in the world to wear.

He runs around the house,

[bleep] cape,

"Look at me, flying and sh*t."

So now he wants to wear a cape

to Little League practice.

Yeah, so I'm gonna

ask the parents in here,

what would you do

if your son or daughter

wanted to wear a cape

to Little League practice?

Do--some people say, "Do it."

You are the sensitive people.

No, the answer is,

no capes at Little League

practice, okay?

No.

He came to me,

and he was like,

"Daddy, I want to wear a cape

to Little League."

I'm like, "No, buddy.

No cape at Little League."

"Please, Daddy.

I really want to do it."

"No. Buddy,

you cannot wear a cape."

"Please, Daddy.

It'll make me run faster."

And I'm like, "Fine, [bleep] it.

Wear the red one. Just wear it."

And he wears the red one,

and now once one kid

wears a cape--

yes, that's why

the answer is no.

Once one kid wears a cape,

now all the kids want capes.

All the kids on my team

want capes.

We play--half my team shows up

in capes now.

Half of it.

We play other teams,

those kids see our capes,

and they're like, "Oh, sh*t,

we want capes too!"

They're telling their parents,

"We want capes!"

Their parents come over,

and they're yelling at me,

and it's such a difference

between the mom and the dads.

The dads come over like, "Dude,

"what's with

the [bleep] capes, man?

"This isn't the Justice League.

Cut this sh*t out, okay?

It's baseball."

The mothers come over like,

"What you're doing

for those handicapped kids

"is unbelievable, sir.

"Unbelievable.

"Thank you.

You're a pillar

of the community."

My son, he struck out,

which--you don't really

strike out in Little League.

It's more like, "Yeah,

"let's just put that sh*t down

for a second

and give it a break."

So he was--

it was his turn up

coming up soon,

so he was in the on-deck circle,

and I could see

he was a little nervous.

He was, like, fidgeting

in the on-deck circle.

So I went over to him,

and I'm like, "Hey, buddy.

Don't even worry

about that last time, okay?"

I'm like, "That was crazy.

"This time, you just

concentrate on the ball,

"you swing hard,

you have fun,

and just don't worry about it."

He's like, "All right, Daddy."

He's like, "Daddy, I'm not

gonna strike out on this one."

I'm like, "I know, buddy.

Don't worry about it."

He's like,

"I'm gonna use the force."

And I was like, "Yes, buddy.

Concentrate. Use the force."

So he gets up,

and he's got the bat back,

and he's looking--I can

see him really concentrating.

And then as soon as that kid

lets go of the ball,

my son just drops the bat

and stands there like this,

trying to control it.

The ball comes and smashes

into his little leg,

crumples him to the ground.

Yeah, all the parents,

like, "Oh!"

I'm like,

I didn't know what he meant,

"Use the force" like that!

Who saw that coming?

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