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Steve Rannazzisi: Breaking Dad Page #5
- Year:
- 2015
- 70 min
- 47 Views
But to his credit, though,
he got up,
walked over to first base,
and he was like, "See, Dad?
"I told you
that sh*t would work.
"Look where I'm standing, man.
First base.
"Hit by pitch.
My on-base percentage
is through the roof."
My dad tried to
assistant coach this year.
barking orders from the side.
"Got to tell him to steal!"
"No, Dad, there's no stealing
in Little League."
It's the greatest.
Never stops talking,
my dad, ever. Ever.
He's the LeBron James
of small talk.
It's amazing. Amazing.
We were in an elevator
two weeks ago--
me, my dad,
and a woman from England.
She asked him
to press the button
for, like, a floor,
and he heard her accent,
and he just turns and he's like,
"You from England?"
She's like, "Yeah.
He's like, "You know the queen?"
And I just looked down.
I was like, "Oh, my God."
The second thing
he asks this woman
"Do you know the queen?"
This is coming
off of him last fall
being a foreman on a jury,
the foreman--
I was like, "This justice system
has to be fixed."
Who voted this man
as the foreman?
He would text me
all the information--
yeah--of the trial
during the breaks,
everything that happened
from the last break.
He'd be like, "Yeah,
and then he did this."
I'm like, "Dad, I'm pretty sure
this is illegal."
He's like, "I'm pretty sure
what that guy did was illegal."
Two wrongs
don't make a right, Dad.
I don't know what you're doing.
He talks so much that my mom
has now instituted
a rule at their house
that after 9:
00 p.m.,he's not allowed
to talk anymore--
wait--because--
this is her words, not mine.
This is me just ripping her off.
She goes, "You've used up
all your words for today."
So now my new favorite pastime
is just to go to their house
at 8:
30 at nightand start a conversation
with my dad
and just watch,
like, 9:
00 roll around.You hear my mom upstairs.
[clearing throat]
He's like, "Ohh!"
Know your limitations.
That's all.
Know what you're good at;
know what you're not good at.
I'm not good with guns.
I'm not a gun guy.
You a gun guy?
Anyone?
Gun guys?
Yeah, you shoot guys, bro?
What kind of gun you shoot?
AR-15.
Bullshit.
AR-15?
Is that a--one of these?
Like, "Pkew, pkew!"
[indistinct]
Oh, it's one of these [bleep],
huh?
Civilian?
Doesn't sound very civilian.
Can you tell
Could anyone else do this?
"Pkew, pkew, pkew!"
I shot one bullet my whole life.
I'm not a gun guy.
I was in Edmonton, Canada.
And if you've never been
to Edmonton,
you're doing all right.
You're okay.
You're not missing
anything great.
It's not the worst place,
but it's just--
you know, you're okay.
If you like malls,
you'll love it.
They have the world's
second-biggest mall in Edmonton.
Second-biggest mall
in the world in Edmonton.
I'm talking big.
This mall is gigantic.
It's got two hotels in it
on either end of the mall,
two separate hotels.
They got a water park.
They got an ice-skating rink.
The gig's there,
the whole weekend.
But you're there for five days,
and I'm staying in a hotel
in the mall,
and three days into it,
I'm like,
"I have to--I have to breathe
fresh air.
"Like, what the [bleep] are
they putting in this mall air?
"Why do I end up at Old Navy
every day at 3:
30"for no reason?
I don't want to go
to Old Navy."
So I wanted to go outside,
but you forget
that Edmonton
is negative 54 Canadian
all year round.
And I don't know what that is
in American,
but it is ungodly.
You have to kill something
and wear it
just to survive in the outside.
So I was like, "[bleep] this.
What else does this mall have
to offer me?"
So at 10:
30 on a Friday,I was like,
"Well, today's the day I'm gonna
go shoot a gun."
'Cause they have a gun range
in the mall.
I was like, "Fine, let's go.
Let's have some fun."
I walk upstairs,
go into the gun range.
Nobody's there.
They're all normal.
They're working.
Just the guy behind the counter
sitting there,
just not even smiling,
smoking a cigarette.
And I walked in.
I was like, "Mm."
Like, "I'm pretty sure
that's illegal,
"you smoking inside, sir.
"I know I'm a stranger
in a strange land,
but this is a little
off-putting."
So now I start to walk
towards him,
and he's not friendly.
He's like, "Are you
a member here?"
I'm like, "No.
No, I'm not."
He's like,
"Well, what do you want?"
And now, like I said, I don't
I know numbers are good.
So I don't know how to explain
what I want.
So I was like, "Oh, I want a--
like, a 32, 34, probably."
Like, a 34
would be good for me."
He's like, "What, are you
looking for a pair of khakis?
"What the [bleep]
is wrong with you, bro?
Are you lost?"
And I was like, "I don't know.
What's your gun du jour?
Like, do you have a meal deal
or a special I can look at?"
He's like, "You want a handgun?"
I'm like, "Obviously,
when I went like this,
"I [bleep] meant handgun.
This is pretty universal
handgun sign, right?"
So he gives me a handgun.
He gives me
a 9-millimeter handgun,
which I could tell
was not the best one he had,
'cause it had, like, duct tape
around the butt of it,
and it had some dents and sh*t.
It looked like it pistol-whipped
a hooker
in a Biggie video
in the '90s or something.
This thing's been around.
So he gives me that gun,
the box of 50 bullets,
and the magazine clip.
And so he gives it to me,
and he's like,
"The second door on the left."
So I pick up my stuff,
and I'm walking away.
By the way,
I haven't signed anything yet.
I haven't handed anyone
my license.
I haven't filled out a form.
I haven't watched
an instructional video, nothing.
I've watched
instructional videos
to go on trampolines
with my sons before,
and now I have a gun,
50 bullets,
I'm in a [bleep] mall,
and I'm looking for
the second door on the left?
Is that--okay, fine.
Seems normal.
So now I go back there,
and that's the range part,
where the people shoot the guns.
But nobody's back there;
it's just me.
So now, for the first time
in my life,
I have to pack a magazine clip.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
you got to do that
a specific way, you know?
You can't just throw 'em in
whatever--twisted, backwards.
I get batteries in remotes wrong
half the time,
and now I'm sitting there
trying to jam these bullets
into the clip.
They're falling out.
I'm trying to sprinkle them in
like oregano into sauce.
I'm like, "Maybe that'll work
a little."
Falling out.
I'm showing
the surveillance camera.
I'm like, "Can anyone
come back here
"and help me, please?
I'm struggling."
Nobody gave a sh*t.
No one came back and helped.
So finally I just put
all that sh*t down
and I just walked around
with the gun part.
And I just walked
up and down the range.
Every once in a while,
I was like, "What the [bleep]
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"Steve Rannazzisi: Breaking Dad" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 1 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/steve_rannazzisi:_breaking_dad_18884>.
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