Steve Rannazzisi: Breaking Dad Page #5

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But to his credit, though,

he got up,

just dusted himself off,

walked over to first base,

and he was like, "See, Dad?

"I told you

that sh*t would work.

"Look where I'm standing, man.

First base.

"Hit by pitch.

My on-base percentage

is through the roof."

My dad tried to

assistant coach this year.

He showed up at every game,

barking orders from the side.

"Got to tell him to steal!"

"No, Dad, there's no stealing

in Little League."

It's the greatest.

Never stops talking,

my dad, ever. Ever.

He's the LeBron James

of small talk.

It's amazing. Amazing.

We were in an elevator

two weeks ago--

me, my dad,

and a woman from England.

She asked him

to press the button

for, like, a floor,

and he heard her accent,

and he just turns and he's like,

"You from England?"

She's like, "Yeah.

He's like, "You know the queen?"

And I just looked down.

I was like, "Oh, my God."

The second thing

he asks this woman

with an English accent is,

"Do you know the queen?"

This is coming

off of him last fall

being a foreman on a jury,

which, whoever voted him

the foreman--

I was like, "This justice system

has to be fixed."

Who voted this man

as the foreman?

He would text me

all the information--

yeah--of the trial

during the breaks,

everything that happened

from the last break.

He'd be like, "Yeah,

and then he did this."

I'm like, "Dad, I'm pretty sure

this is illegal."

He's like, "I'm pretty sure

what that guy did was illegal."

Two wrongs

don't make a right, Dad.

I don't know what you're doing.

He talks so much that my mom

has now instituted

a rule at their house

that after 9:
00 p.m.,

he's not allowed

to talk anymore--

wait--because--

this is her words, not mine.

This is me just ripping her off.

She goes, "You've used up

all your words for today."

So now my new favorite pastime

is just to go to their house

at 8:
30 at night

and start a conversation

with my dad

and just watch,

like, 9:
00 roll around.

You hear my mom upstairs.

[clearing throat]

He's like, "Ohh!"

Know your limitations.

That's all.

Know what you're good at;

know what you're not good at.

I'm not good with guns.

I'm not a gun guy.

You a gun guy?

Anyone?

Gun guys?

Yeah, you shoot guys, bro?

What kind of gun you shoot?

AR-15.

Bullshit.

AR-15?

Is that a--one of these?

Like, "Pkew, pkew!"

[indistinct]

Oh, it's one of these [bleep],

huh?

Civilian?

Doesn't sound very civilian.

Can you tell

I know nothing about guns?

Could anyone else do this?

"Pkew, pkew, pkew!"

I shot one bullet my whole life.

I'm not a gun guy.

I was in Edmonton, Canada.

And if you've never been

to Edmonton,

you're doing all right.

You're okay.

You're not missing

anything great.

It's not the worst place,

but it's just--

you know, you're okay.

If you like malls,

you'll love it.

They have the world's

second-biggest mall in Edmonton.

Second-biggest mall

in the world in Edmonton.

I'm talking big.

This mall is gigantic.

It's got two hotels in it

on either end of the mall,

two separate hotels.

They got a water park.

They got an ice-skating rink.

The gig's there,

the whole weekend.

But you're there for five days,

and I'm staying in a hotel

in the mall,

and three days into it,

I'm like,

"I have to--I have to breathe

fresh air.

"Like, what the [bleep] are

they putting in this mall air?

"Why do I end up at Old Navy

every day at 3:
30

"for no reason?

I don't want to go

to Old Navy."

So I wanted to go outside,

but you forget

that Edmonton

is negative 54 Canadian

all year round.

And I don't know what that is

in American,

but it is ungodly.

You have to kill something

and wear it

just to survive in the outside.

So I was like, "[bleep] this.

What else does this mall have

to offer me?"

So at 10:
30 on a Friday,

I was like,

"Well, today's the day I'm gonna

go shoot a gun."

'Cause they have a gun range

in the mall.

I was like, "Fine, let's go.

Let's have some fun."

I walk upstairs,

go into the gun range.

Nobody's there.

They're all normal.

They're working.

Just the guy behind the counter

sitting there,

just not even smiling,

smoking a cigarette.

And I walked in.

I was like, "Mm."

Like, "I'm pretty sure

that's illegal,

"you smoking inside, sir.

"I know I'm a stranger

in a strange land,

but this is a little

off-putting."

So now I start to walk

towards him,

and he's not friendly.

He's like, "Are you

a member here?"

I'm like, "No.

No, I'm not."

He's like,

"Well, what do you want?"

And now, like I said, I don't

know anything about guns.

I know numbers are good.

So I don't know how to explain

what I want.

So I was like, "Oh, I want a--

like, a 32, 34, probably."

Like, a 34

would be good for me."

He's like, "What, are you

looking for a pair of khakis?

"What the [bleep]

is wrong with you, bro?

Are you lost?"

And I was like, "I don't know.

What's your gun du jour?

Like, do you have a meal deal

or a special I can look at?"

He's like, "You want a handgun?"

I'm like, "Obviously,

when I went like this,

"I [bleep] meant handgun.

This is pretty universal

handgun sign, right?"

So he gives me a handgun.

He gives me

a 9-millimeter handgun,

which I could tell

was not the best one he had,

'cause it had, like, duct tape

around the butt of it,

and it had some dents and sh*t.

It looked like it pistol-whipped

a hooker

in a Biggie video

in the '90s or something.

This thing's been around.

So he gives me that gun,

the box of 50 bullets,

and the magazine clip.

And so he gives it to me,

and he's like,

"The second door on the left."

So I pick up my stuff,

and I'm walking away.

By the way,

I haven't signed anything yet.

I haven't handed anyone

my license.

I haven't filled out a form.

I haven't watched

an instructional video, nothing.

I've watched

instructional videos

to go on trampolines

with my sons before,

and now I have a gun,

50 bullets,

I'm in a [bleep] mall,

and I'm looking for

the second door on the left?

Is that--okay, fine.

Seems normal.

So now I go back there,

and that's the range part,

where the people shoot the guns.

But nobody's back there;

it's just me.

So now, for the first time

in my life,

I have to pack a magazine clip.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure

you got to do that

a specific way, you know?

You can't just throw 'em in

whatever--twisted, backwards.

I get batteries in remotes wrong

half the time,

and now I'm sitting there

trying to jam these bullets

into the clip.

They're falling out.

I'm trying to sprinkle them in

like oregano into sauce.

I'm like, "Maybe that'll work

a little."

Falling out.

I'm showing

the surveillance camera.

I'm like, "Can anyone

come back here

"and help me, please?

I'm struggling."

Nobody gave a sh*t.

No one came back and helped.

So finally I just put

all that sh*t down

and I just walked around

with the gun part.

And I just walked

up and down the range.

Every once in a while,

I was like, "What the [bleep]

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