Steve Rannazzisi: Breaking Dad Page #6

---

you say, man? What?"

Like, just, like, "Oh, man.

Bam!"

All I'm saying is,

somewhere there's 30 minutes

of surveillance footage

of me auditioning

for a Jason Bourne movie

they're not making, guys.

So now another guy comes in.

He's got a backpack

filled with guns,

all these guns.

He's got buddies with him,

and they start opening up

their guns,

and they start packing up

all the bullets and sh*t.

And I'm, like, trying

to cheat off them,

like looking at--"Oh, sh*t,

that's how--okay."

But nobody has fired

a bullet yet, okay?

That's the important thing

to remember.

No one's shot anything.

So in my mind,

this is something

we're all gonna start together.

You know, like,

someone's gonna come out

and be like, "Hey, guys, welcome

to Jim's Shoot Shack.

"Let's shoot 'em straight

and be safe, everybody.

Here we go."

Yeah, because in my mind--

look, my frame of reference

for this whole thing

is the last time I shot

anything in my life,

I sat there

and then a bell went off

and I fired it

and water came out.

It went into a clown's mouth,

a balloon blew up,

and then a bell went off

and someone won a stuffed frog.

That's how you knew

when it was over.

That's not what happens

at these gun ranges.

I'm still packing my clip up,

and the guy next to me

fires off

what I still believe to this day

was a land-to-air missile

launcher.

It was.

I don't know this [bleep]

got it in there.

I don't know how he assembled it

with no one else looking.

But it was the loudest sound

I had ever heard in my life,

just "boom!"

And I, in the most effeminate

way humanly possible,

just went, "Yee-ahhhhhh!"

And I threw the gun,

the clip, the bullets.

Yard sale.

Half off everything.

People heard my shrills,

they ripped

their ear protection off,

and they looked at me like

I just shot myself in the face

with a handgun.

Everybody's staring at me,

and now I'm so self-conscious.

I'm on the ground,

trying to pick bullets up

and put them back into my box

like a little kid

on an Easter egg hunt.

I'm look, "Oop, there's

another bullet over here.

I just want--excuse me."

Yeah, people are shooting,

"Boom, boom."

I'm like, "Oh, can I just

get in here for a second?

Just gonna get my bullets."

Finally, the guy next to me

just grabs me.

He's like, "Dude, dude,

come here. No.

"You don't get any more bullets,

okay?

"This sh*t is over, donezo.

"You get one bullet.

You have one in your chamber.

Just shoot the one

that's in your chamber."

And I was like, "Fine.

[bleep] it.

I can do that."

So I put the gun out,

right to the side,

just like I was taught.

And the guy tried to correct me.

I was like,

"Dude, I know what the [bleep]

I'm doing, all right?

Just leave me alone."

And I was like, "Here's looking

at you, kid."

"Pkoo," I shot the bullet

four feet,

directly into the ground,

put the gun down, walked out,

and got day-drunk

at the T.G.I. Friday's

for the third time.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you guys very much.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you all very, very much.

I really couldn't have done it

with you, Boston.

You guys are fantastic.

Thanks for coming out tonight,

everybody.

Thank you, guys.

Good night!

[cheers and applause]

Real quick,

do you guys want to meet

the real stars of the show

for one second?

My two kids?

Hold on.

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

This is Jackson.

Say hi, Jackson.

Hi, Jackson!

No, not "hi, Jackson."

Perfect.

This is Jonah.

Say hi, Jonah.

- Hi, Jonah.

- Hi, Jonah.

And this is the prostitute

I hired for the night, guys.

She's really pretty.

Thank you, guys.

We had a great time in Boston.

We love all of you.

We'll be back real soon.

You guys are fantastic.

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

(man)

Your brains, madam.

[light bulb buzzing]

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes