Stewart Lee: Carpet Remnant World Page #11

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Looked it up on Twitter.

You have to look everything up

on Twitter now, don't you?

Stay in touch with what's around you!

Looked up the bloke's feed on Twitter.

It comes up, "Met General Ratko Mladic

in Sheffield today.

"Much nicer bloke in real life."

(LAUGHTER)

I hate Twitter.

You love it, don't you?

You got Twitter? It's brilliant.

Your virtual online

Utopian futuristic society.

Direct communication

between any individuals.

Unfettered by government,

you know, interference.

Freedom of information. Arab Spring.

We love Twitter. I hate Twitter.

The only good thing about Twitter

is if I have a mental breakdown

and forget everything

that ever happened to me,

I could gradually piece my life

back together

by putting my name

into the search engine in Twitter.

Because about every 90 minutes,

one of you feels obliged

to do an update

of where I am and what I'm doing.

(LAUGHTER)

"8:
30 a.m., I can't believe it.

"Just seen Stewart Lee taking his son

to school on the 393 bus.

"They're talking about Scooby Doo.

He looks depressed."

(LAUGHTER)

"10:
00 a.m., can't believe it.

"I am sitting next to Stewart Lee

in the Clock Cafe, Highbury.

"He is eating a muffin.

He looks fat."

(LAUGHTER)

"11:
30 a.m., Hackney celebrity alert.

"Just seen Stewart Lee walking around

Abney Park Cemetery on his own.

"He looks fat and depressed."

(LAUGHTER)

"1:
30 p.m., wowaroonie!

"Just seen Stewart Lee walking around

Dalston Junction on his own.

"Eating a burger in the street.

He looks fat and depressed and fat."

(LAUGHTER)

I hate Twitter.

It's like a state surveillance agency

run by gullible volunteers.

(LAUGHTER)

It's a Stasi for

the Angry Birds generation.

(LAUGHTER)

If you're an F-list celebrity,

it makes your life impo...

You're paranoid all the time

being spied on.

To give you an example of what I mean.

Last October,

I was driving along the M40.

I wasn't gonna do a gig this time.

I was going to Birmingham

to put flowers on the grave

of a relative.

And I stopped at the Cherwell Services

and I went to the florist's there.

I got a big bunch of flowers,

and on the way out,

the woman on the perfume

concession stand caught my eye

and she said to me, "Perfume, sir,

to go with the flowers for the lady?"

And I went,

"Ah, they're for someone's grave."

And she went, "Oh,"

and the other woman went, "Oh, no."

And then there were all people

standing around going,

"Oh, look, look at what's happened."

(LAUGHTER)

I thought, "This will be on Twitter.

"It's exactly the kind of thing

that goes on Twitter."

So I thought

I'd say something light hearted

to bring the event to a close,

you know.

So I said to her, "Oh, never mind,

give us some perfume,

"I'll spray it around all the graves."

(LAUGHTER)

Got home, looked it up on Twitter.

You have to look it up on Twitter now.

Stay in touch with what's around you.

Woman's feed comes up.

"The comedian" in inverted commas,

"Stewart Lee, came

in our perfume stand today.

"He is even less funny in real life."

(LAUGHTER)

You know what? That didn't happen.

(LAUGHTER)

It sort of happened a bit,

but I changed it for comic effect.

Because what really happened

is just bleak.

(LAUGHTER)

I was going to Birmingham

to put flowers on a grave

and the woman did say to me,

"Perfume, sir,

to go with the flowers for the lady."

But I didn't say any of that stuff.

I just said..."Oh, for f***'s sake.

(LAUGHTER)

"Er...

"Excuse me?

"Yeah, erm, in your job,

"I'm not threatening you,

I'm just saying...

(LAUGHTER)

"...that look, there's a lot

of reasons, aren't there,

"why someone could be buying flowers,

"and I know that you... No.

"I know you have to hit targets and...

"But, you know, maybe you should

think about what those...

"All those reasons what they could be

before you just, you know..."

Got home, looked it up on Twitter.

(LAUGHTER)

Woman's feed comes up.

"General Ratko Mladic came in today.

(LAUGHTER)

"He's even more grumpy in real life."

(LAUGHTER)

Internet, Twitter.

It drives you mad.

Facebook and all these message boards.

Five minutes on Google, right,

I can find...

I can put my name

and I'll find hundreds of people

all slagging me off.

I'm gonna read out some quotes now,

Five minutes on Google.

These are real, right?

In the context of the show,

you have to appreciate this.

The first four quotes

from Americans that I read out,

three of them are real.

I made one up.

(LAUGHTER)

The letters,

people complaining about Islam,

they were exaggerated versions

of real ones I've had.

The quote from the guy in Dubai,

that was real, verbatim.

And then all the things

about the jungle canyon rope bridges,

they were real political speeches

from the past.

(LAUGHTER)

But I replaced the policy things

in them.

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah. From Scooby Doo. Yeah.

And now...

Okay, these are all real.

Five minutes on Google.

Can I have the jazz music

and the lighting change please?

(SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHTER)

Rowing Rob on The Guardian's

Comment is Free site

calls me "a sneering tosser".

(LAUGHTER)

Tokyo Fist on YouTube writes,

"Smug elitist liberalism.

Who is this c*nt?"

(LAUGHTER)

Warto15 on Twitter writes,

"I hate Stewart Lee with a passion.

He's like lan Huntley to me."

(LAUGHTER)

Huey on Youtube says,

"Stewart Lee, I will shove

my thick cock in your throat,

"you gaylord."

(LAUGHTER)

Z-Factor on Twitter writes,

"Stewart Lee addresses

an insular cadre

"of socially challenged, prematurely

middle aged, pseudo-intellectual men."

(MILD LAUGHTER)

I know. Yeah. Look.

(LAUGHTER)

Not as exclusively as I'd like,

to be honest.

It'll just be us again soon.

It won't last.

It can't last.

We'll be back to one night

and then it'll be all right.

Pudabaya writes,

"I spent the entire show thinking

"of how much I want

to punch Stewart Lee in his face.

"The f***ing smug face c*nt."

(LAUGHTER)

And that's on a website

that is actually called,

beexcellenttoeachother. Com.

(LAUGHTER)

A Jimmy Vespa

on dontstartmeoff.com writes,

"A sh*t-haired c*nt.

Who resides at the very apex

"of all that is absolute

patience testing wank."

(LAUGHTER)

"Seriously when there is

the comedy equivalent

"of the Nuremberg trials,

"this bastard is gonna be hung

from the highest f***ing lamppost,

(LAUGHTER)

"Pelted with wasps' nest

and dog turds

"and eventually blasted

with a flame thrower."

"F***ing hell," he concludes.

"I can't put into words...

(LAUGHTER)

"...how much I detest

this utter f***ing c*nt."

Man in a Banana Suit

on the Guardian website writes,

"Stewart Lee has made a career

out of smugness.

"I hope f***ing Crohn's disease

kills him."

(LAUGHTER)

Ricardo writes,

"Whenever I see his photo

"I dream he's just seen my boot,

"a split second

before it rips his face inside out."

(LAUGHTER)

Shindig on the dugout. Net

calls me an "aging c*nt

"with an Eskimo face from the '90s."

(LAUGHTER)

One from Mumsnet here.

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