Stewart Lee: Carpet Remnant World Page #12

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(LAUGHTER)

Queen of the Harpies says, "My mate

had a huge crush on Stewart Lee,

"but even she's starting to admit

time hasn't been kind to him."

(LAUGHTER)

And this one's

from a Sheffield football website

and it says, "I know this guy,

"not well, but I can confirm

that he is a cock.

(LAUGHTER)

"I've spoken to him several times

in the past at various get-togethers,

"although not recently,

and he is a pillock.

"He used to go out

with my wife's cousin.

"He came up a few times for Christmas

and one or two other things.

"I found him condescending

and arrogant.

"Anyway, they've split up now

"and my wife's cousin

seems a lot happier."

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

I mean,

I know who that is obviously.

(LAUGHTER)

Unbelievable, innit?

(LAUGHTER)

I used to... Funny thing is

I used to really like...

I liked that guy, you know.

"Is your cousin's husband

gonna be there at Christmas?

"Oh, great, you know.

"Wedding present he used to like.

I should get him some records."

Then you find... Ten years later

you find that, you know.

Used to go out with him.

Go out with him.

Went to the Hyena Club in Newcastle,

one night in 1999, in November,

to see Lewis Schaffer, American comic,

then we went into the comics' bar,

you know, till about 3:00

with him, you know.

"You wanna drink, mate?"

"Yeah. Brilliant." You know. "Great."

Then you think,

"What was he actually thinking?"

(LAUGHTER)

Get "I f***ing hate this bloke."

(LAUGHTER)

You don't get that, do you,

in your lives. You don't get it.

What's done is done.

It doesn't come back.

His mum, right?

The guy who wrote that's mum.

I had her to stay with me

for about a week in London.

When I lived in the flat

above the estate agents

by the fire station,

if you remember that.

(LAUGHTER)

Not a big flat, you know.

She was on some course.

She was like an old hippie,

I really liked her actually.

I remember it was a Saturday afternoon

and I was putting

some, an old bed together

and I had a record on.

She was there. I had an old vinyl.

The second album

by Dr Strangely Strange,

an Irish folk rock band in the '70s

and it...

His mum, that wrote that, his mum.

She goes, "Oh, I used

to love this record when I was a kid.

"I haven't heard it for 30 years."

And she knew all the words

and you know...

And this was before downloads

and CD reissues and stuff.

And I said to her, "You can have it."

And I gave the mum of the guy

that wrote that

my original Island Pressing

Pink Label gatefold sleeve

second Dr Strangely Strange album

like a cock would.

(LAUGHTER)

That's the condescending

thing to do, isn't it?

To give an old woman

something of irreplaceable value,

that she would love.

This isn't even...

This is just some.

I've got a 40,000-word document

of all this.

(LAUGHTER)

Because I thought it would be funny,

look on the Internet

and see for a bit in the show.

But I didn't realise

there would be so much.

(LAUGHTER)

It's like pulling a thread.

You start and you can't...

And everything unravels.

(LAUGHTER)

Knowing this is all there,

it makes it quite hard to do this

if you think about it, right?

You think,

"Oh, I'll just go out in the world,

"interact with some people,

have a lot..."

Don't walk out during this. Don't.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

This is bad.

It's bad for someone to say

they hope you die, on the Internet.

But that is worse.

(LAUGHTER)

What is it about this bit

that you don't buy into?

You think, "Oh, I don't feel

he's working hard enough really."

(LAUGHTER)

(QUIETLY) F*** you.

(LAUGHTER)

You go out now, do you?

You think...

I mean, this is obviously

nearly the end of the show, isn't it?

I can't recover it from this.

(LAUGHTER)

"I'll go out for a bit,

"I'll come back in

when it's funny again." It won't be.

It's not gonna be funny again,

is it?

(LAUGHTER)

You get... You can't... You know,

you being a comic when you know

you're under surveillance

by people that despise you

is quite hard.

You think, "I'll go out in the world,

interact with some people.

"Get some ideas, have a laugh.

Go in the shop.

"Have a laugh with a bloke,

bit of banter, get home.

You know, you get home,

you look on the Internet.

"A f***ing c*nt came

in my shop today.

(LAUGHTER)

"He even reminded me of a paedophile.

(LAUGHTER)

"Who would kill a child.

"I hope he dies

from a wasting disease.

"And all c*cks go in his mouth.

(LAUGHTER)

"F***ing Eskimo face c*nt."

(LAUGHTER)

And it's all there, all out there.

And you say, don't you?

I've seen you.

You go, "Look at us, virtual online

Facebook friends, Twitter community.

"Virtual online Utopian vision

of tomorrow's better..."

What are you?

You're like rats fighting in a ditch.

(LAUGHTER)

Over some piss.

(LAUGHTER)

So,

you'll forgive me

if there isn't really

much of a show this year.

(LAUGHTER)

And if it just sort of stops.

(LAUGHTER)

We went up... We went up at...

I've done the time

that we're supposed to.

(LAUGHTER)

There were already people walking out.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, I'll just do a quick little bit

and then we can go.

(LAUGHTER)

So I was driving round

the North Circular

and I drove past PC World!

(LAUGHTER)

(SCREAMING) And you know what?

I couldn't even be bothered

to think of anything funny about that.

(LAUGHTER)

You can do it, can't you?

Get in your cars, drive around,

look at all the shops,

think about their names

and think about how you could

misinterpret them for comic effect.

(LAUGHTER)

Because that's what I have to do

day after day.

For what? For this?

For indifference? People walking out?

(LAUGHTER)

You do it! Get in your cars, drive

around, look at the names of shops

and then you can put it

on your Twitter feeds,

you f***ing

miserable Sheffield c*nts!

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

I got back in the car from PC World.

I thought,

"I'm just gonna drive home now.

"There won't even be a proper end

to the show, it'll just stop!"

(LAUGHTER)

Then five minutes from home,

five minutes from home,

I was in Dalston

and I drove past a butchers

called City Meat!

(LAUGHTER)

And it's like an illness,

I couldn't help myself!

(LAUGHTER)

(TOUGH LONDON VOICE)

"Like meat, live in a city?

"Get yourself down to City Meat!

(LAUGHTER)

"We got all

the different meat animals.

"Cows, pigs, chickens, etc.,

"but they live in the city of London.

"Like meat, live in a city?

'City Meat for City People'

"Get yourself down to City Meat!

(LAUGHTER)

(IN HIGH VOICE) "Do the City Meat

animals graze on the grass

"of the City Farm Hackney, butcher?"

(TOUGH VOICE) "No, they don't!

Grass is for poofs!

(LAUGHTER)

"They're city animals,

"they live on what they find

on the floor in the city!"

"Like what?" "Like old, chucked away

AIDS-infected spunked-in condoms!

"Discarded hepatitis-ridden heroin

needles! Licked out wraps of speed!

"Torn-up pornography,

crushed Polish beer cans,

"and ripped up leaflets

"advertising The Miracle Healing

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