Stewart Lee: Carpet Remnant World Page #13

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Church at Finsbury Park."

(LAUGHTER)

(HIGH VOICE) "Doesn't this diet

of filth make them sick, butcher?"

(TOUGH VOICE) "Yeah, it does!

And they love being sick! The slags!

(LAUGHTER)

"Because they're city animals

at City Meat!

"Live in the city, like meat?

Get yourself down to City Meat!"

(LAUGHTER)

(HIGH VOICE) "And this

City Meat butchers

"was in London, was it, butcher?"

(TOUGH VOICE)

"Yes, in London. City Meat."

(HIGH VOICE) "Are you sure?"

(TOUGH VOICE) "It's City Meat!"

(HIGH VOICE) "Are you sure you didn't

see a butchers called City Meat

"on the side of the A40 in Shirley

in Birmingham?

(LAUGHTER)

"In between the Cherwell Services

and the cemetery?"

(TOUGH VOICE) "It was in London."

(HIGH VOICE) "Birmingham."

(HIGH VOICE) "But you realised

there's no way the City Meat bit

"will be a punchy enough end

to the show

"if the butcher had

a Birmingham accent?"

(LAUGHTER)

(BIRMINGHAM ACCENT)

"Do you like meat?

(LAUGHTER)

"Do you live in the city?

(LAUGHTER)

"Get yourself down to City Meat!

(LAUGHTER)

"We got all

the different meat animals.

(LAUGHTER)

"Pork, that's a pig.

(LAUGHTER)

"Beef, that's a cow.

(LAUGHTER)

"Chicken, same, chicken.

(LAUGHTER)

"And they run all around

the city of Birmingham.

"They're very happy like

because I don't know if you know,

"in the last few years, there's been

a lot of redevelopment work here.

(LAUGHTER)

"There's loads of green spaces

and, all around, the cathedral's

"all been done up and...

"In Birmingham now

there is actually more miles of canals

"than there is rats.

(LAUGHTER)

"And they' re very happy.

They ate all the locals' food.

"They have a big trough of Bovril,

they lick that out.

(LAUGHTER)

"And in the morning, about 5:30,

"Noddy Holder flies over in a

(LAUGHTER)

"Halifax Bomber, chucking out

old faggots for them to eat.

(LAUGHTER)

"And at the weekend, for a treat,

they have a balti now.

"A lot of people think wrongly

"that a balti is an Indian dish

"but it actually originated

in Birmingham or around Sparkbrook

"and Bearwood,

and they actually call that

"the Balti Triangle now

and it's like a tourist attraction.

"And at the week, on a Friday night,

"people will come for a balti

"from as far away as Kidderminster."

(LAUGHTER)

I got nothing.

(LAUGHTER)

So I got in the car one last time

and I drive north

to the industrial estates

near Sunderland

with the sole intention of visiting

a retail outlet

called Carpet Remnant World.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

I stood outside

the Carpet Remnant World

and I was overcome

with a terrible sadness

and it was very moving.

Carpet Remnant World.

It didn't even sell carpets.

(LAUGHTER)

It sold remnants of carpets.

(LAUGHTER)

Remnants of human hopes.

Remnants of human dreams

and it spoke to me about the gulf

between what we are

and what we could aspire to be.

Imagine to sleep, to dream,

of living in Newcastle with a carpet.

(LAUGHTER)

To wake and to find instead

that you live in Sunderland

(LAUGHTER)

With some carpet remnants.

(LAUGHTER)

It's too sad to bear.

So I went into Remnant Carpet World.

You know what? It was a world

made out of carpet remnants.

Tiny, perfectly proportioned

carpet remnant homes

and long, wide carpet remnant avenues,

lined with carpet remnant schools

and carpet remnant hospitals.

And carpet remnant universities.

Free carpet remnant universities.

And carpet remnant libraries that did

not labour under the threat of closure

and all of them full

of carpet remnant people

living in perfectly harmony

from each according to his durability,

(LAUGHTER)

To each according to his weave.

(LAUGHTER)

The carpet remnant world man

came up to me

and he was made of carpet remnants

and he said to me, "What do you think

of our Carpet Remnant World?"

And I said,

"it's beautiful. A Utopia."

(LAUGHTER)

And he said, "Really? I always

expect people to be cynical."

And I said, "Why?" And he said,

"I was warned by my friends

"at the World of Leather,

the World of Golf,

"and Office World and PC World

"and both regional outlets

of City Meat."

(LAUGHTER)

Then he said to me,

"But there's a message for you

"in Carpet Remnant World,

Stewart Lee, and it's this.

"That a ragbag of seemingly

disparate and unrelated items,

"people, concepts, things, can,

"if stitched together

in the correct order,

"with a degree of sensitivity,

"give the impression

of being a satisfying whole."

(LAUGHTER)

And I said to him, "You mean..."

And he said, (LAUGHS WEAKLY) "Yes."

(MUSIC FADES)

(SNAPS FINGERS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Thank you.

This is a beautiful theatre to be in,

one of the nicest in the country.

Thanks to everyone who's worked

so hard in putting this up tonight.

Thanks a lot. Good night.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

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