Stir Crazy Page #7

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Give my heart ease, love

Give my heart ease

They're supposed to be doin' time.

It's a goddamn vacation they're havin'.

Well, how would you like

an old-time prison funeral?

Could you go for that?

Just relax.

He's gonna draw Untamed

in the bronc event.

The Birmingham Jail

Birmingham Jail, love

The Birmingham Jail

Send it in care of

The Birmingham Jail

One hundred and twenty-five years

without a whiff of p*ssy.

How'd that make you feel, Mason?

Mean. Very, very mean.

Hello? Mr. Len Garber, please.

Did he leave word

where he could be reached?

Oh, okay. Thank you.

Operator? Please get me the Sheriff's

main office. This is an emergency.

- Len, where have you been?

- At the state capital.

Look at this. It is so

black and white, it is absurd.

Any first-year law student could've

had this case laughed out of court.

We can discuss

your performance later.

Right now they're gonna kill

one of your clients.

- But they're innocent!

- That's beside the point.

I'll explain it to you later.

We have to get to the County Stadium.

That's on the other side of town.

We'll never make it.

We have to try.

Please shut up and shake your tail!

I almost blew it.

How can I call myself a lawyer?

That's it for

the preliminary activities.

Settle back and get ready for the event

that you all came to see.

It's our featured event:

The Top Hand Competition.

- How's your secret weapon, Wally?

- He's fit as a fiddle, Henry.

- It's a nice day for it, ain't it?

- Yeah, it sure is.

Coke! Got your Coke here!

Peanuts! Popcorn!

Now remember.

Spur him high in the shoulders.

Okay? And try to keep

a good rhythm goin'.

Ladles and gentlemen, it's time for

the wild and wooly Top Hand Competition.

And leadin' off for Glenboro Prison

Is a New York Yankee, Skip Donahue.

He's doin' some part-time for makin'

a withdrawal from one of our banks.

Trouble was, the boy didn't

even have an account there.

Skip told the judge he was

tryin' to help New York City...

out of their financial bind

by usin' our money.

- I hope I can remember everything.

- Good luck.

Thanks.

That's very kind of you.

Attaboy!

That's our boy, baby!

That's our boy there!

What do you say

about that, folks?

That Eastern boy's got a little bit

of cowboy in him, wouldn't you say?

He sure does.

You ol' sly bones.

- Where'd you get him?

- We'll see.

Folks, next up

from the Doerin unit...

five-time winner and current champion,

Caesar Geronimo, a Chicago boy.

Got hisself caught sellin' some

white powder down at the border.

When I say white powder,

I don't mean talcum powder.

The champion has drawn

a horse so rough and tough...

that it's already put

11 cowboys in the hospital.

And that's just by

breakin' wind on 'em.

All right!

That cowboy must've had

some real strong glue in the saddle!

Ladies and gentlemen,

that man of mischief from Oklahoma...

who was last year's runner-up,

Is gettin' set in chute number five.

Ringo Stapleton!

You may recall, old Ringo

Is the fella doin' 99 years...

for kidnappin' a trainload

of gorgeous college girls...

on their way to a beauty contest

In Las Vegas.

Here comes old Ringo

on the bull called Nicotine, and...

Ringo's in trouble already.

He's down.

The bill's on fop of him!

Our next contestant

is Plucky Stillwater.

Third up in the bull riding event,

coming out of chute number four...

Is the Glenboro Prison entry.

If's that city slicker again...

who's been givin' the defendin' champ

a real run for his money.

We're gonna all find out

In a couple of seconds...

whether if's just beginner's luck, or

If this boy's got some redneck in him.

Up on Flapjack...

here's Skip Donahue.

Okay. A little tighter.

That's it.

Remember, ease up with him.

Watch his head.

- Ready?

- Okay. Let's go.

Open the gate!

Seem to have ourselves

a little problem down here, folks.

He'll be killed in there!

Some son-of-a-b*tch

put a lock on the gate!

That New Yorker

Is full of surprises!

Now here's last year's champion,

Caesar Geronimo...

riding a bull that nobody has been able

to stay on for more than three seconds.

A bull by the name of Tornado.

That was a great ride. Now you know

why he's our defending champion.

Folks, catch your breath

for a few minutes...

while the cowboy judges tally up

the scores on the contestants.

You've got time for

a pause for the cause...

and I'll be back in just a little bit

to announce the winner.

Hold on, folks.

We got ourselves the first push...

In the history

of the prison rodeo.

Push, my ass.

There ain't gonna be any push.

I was ready for this.

Ladles and gentlemen,

hold on to your hats.

As a tiebreaker,

both of the wardens...

have just given their permission

to run the 'hard money' event.

That's the single most dangerous event

In all of rodeo competition.

All you have to do

to win the hard money event...

Is fetch

a little sack of money...

between the horns

of a mean brahma bull.

So just as soon

as our two boys get ready...

we're gonna start

our final competition.

Are you ready for the main event?

Well, just listen to this, because

Warden Beatty has just informed me...

that he and Warden Sampson

have so much faith in their boys...

that this year, instead of splitting

the first in the rodeo as usual...

It's gonna be

a winner-take-all event!

I'm sayin' that $50,000 in bills

Is gonna be fled...

between the horns of one of the most

vicious bills in this territory.

And whichever inmate

grabs the money is the winner.

And here they are,

ladies and gentlemen.

I get a little nervous sometimes

before these things.

By the way, the word is that your warden

is an exceptionally sweet man.

- Is that true?

- He's a prick!

A prick?

Boy, did I hear that wrong.

Well, is it true

that you're an ass-kisser?

- You're gonna get a punch in the mouth!

- Did I say it?

I'm just telling you what I heard.

What are you so touchy about?

I'm an ass-kisser too.

We're both ass-kissers if no one gets

one penny of this except two pricks.

Stands to reason, doesn't it?

I'll distract the bull.

You grab the money. Okay, Caesar?

I don't care who wins.

What difference does it make?

Why don't we give the money

to the prisoners? I'll tell you what.

You do whatever

you think is best, okay?

I've got it, Caesar.

Get ready.

The winner, and still champion

for the sixth time in a row...

Caesar Geronimo!

Goddamn!

I'll be a monkey's uncle!

That Chicago boy's done lost his mind!

Holy cow! There's gonna

be hell to pay for that!

Now, folks, to wrap up our day,

here's the greased pig sackin' contest.

- Holy sh*t!

- What?

What the hell is goin' on?

Are you okay?

They're in that camper!

I'm sorry...

but we're in a real hurry, okay?

What's going on?

I didn't introduce you. Harry Monroe,

Skip Donahue, Rory Schultebrand.

- My maiden name.

- My wife Teresa.

And my brother, Ramon.

Hey, you guys,

that is yours.

- Where are you guys going?

- Veracruz. We got some family there.

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