Stitches

What the f*** is that?

- What?

Is that an egg?

Looks just like you.

Yeah, they made me paint that

when I signed up.

Some stupid clown thing.

F*** me, clown! F*** me, clown!

F*** me, clown! F*** me, clown!

Come on, clown. F*** me, clown!

F*** me, I'm late.

I've gotta do some little bastard's party.

I need to kit up.

Close the door, a**hole!

Here comes the cake.

Here's your cake. Are you ready?

Blow out the candles.

Nine, ten! Yes.

Yeah look, I'll be back in about an hour.

Keep yourself on the boil. Aye.

What are you talking about, love? Yeah.

There's some biscuits under the sink.

Hey, you two. Not in the house.

- Go to hell.

Gimme here.

- You stop it.

Stop. Will you stop!

Gimme that.

You can see my house from here.

Happy birthday.

Tom and Kate sitting in a tree...

Get out of the way, you little bastards.

How do?

- You're late.

And you're f***ing ugly.

Just kidding, love.

Right, it's cash up front.

No dough, no show.

Right, here he is, Stitches the Clown.

Whoo-hoo.

Everybody happy?

Is everybody happy?

- You're an a**hole, you big dumb clown.

Get on with the show, you loser.

Yes.

Bastards.

Right, who's the birthday boy?

It's a clown.

- That's gonna be worth nothing.

That's plastic.

Right, the hat of mystery.

Who, empty hat. Empty...

Now that's what I'm talking about.

What you want to see?

- A stegosaurus.

The balloons for the dinosaurs

are extinct. You can have a dog.

I don't want a dog. I want a stegosaurus.

- Shut it you.

You shut it. You're not my dad. Shut up.

- I might be.

Right, here we go.

- What is that even supposed to be?

It's a bloody velociraptor, isn't it?

Look, there's a bit there.

Bastard.

Fall in, men, fall in. At ease.

Attention.

You're rubbish.

- I hate this trick.

Can this guy juggle?

How could your mother get this guy?

Right, kids.

Now it's time for Funny Bones.

Are you serious?

Say hello, Funny Bones.

"Hello Funny Bones."

Goodbye, Funny Bones.

Nice one.

- You are so violent.

Here it is. Juggling.

Throw it at him.

Finally this clown does something good.

You bastard.

OK, anybody want...

Get out of my way, b*tch.

Try and get some sleep.

You are not our charge.

But hear this. A clown that doesn't finish

a party can never rest in peace.

And the joke is never as funny

the second time round.

Six o'clock in the morning? Couldn't you

have found an earlier flight, Denise?

I don't know how I'm gonna

stay awake in the meeting.

No, don't worry.

I know my way around London.

Yeah, happier times.

Anyway, I better go. All right, bye.

Well, all under control.

Looks good.

You OK?

Yeah, just homework.

I got a maths test on Friday.

And you're not gonna be here

for my birthday.

Oi, you little sh*t.

Tom, I'm sorry, but if I don't go,

they'll send Bernie,

and I can't loose any more hours

to that c*nt.

If you're worried about being on your own,

call one of your friends?

Ask them to come over.

- I'll think about it.

What's the matter?

I don't like the look of it.

Happy birthday.

Do you have your lunches, honey?

- Yes, Mom. Just shut up.

How's it going? You all right?

- Don't bother.

Yeah, gagging for it.

- Yeah, gagging for nothing. Get a grip.

Cock-f***ing b*tch.

Wanker.

- Twat.

Prick.

Kate, you should've been there.

Jammed four hours straight last night.

Fintan described one of my solos as

"brainal penetration".

I played so hard you couldn't

hear the rest of the band.

I'm thinking of changing

our band name to 'Dan'.

Fintan was so moved by a solo

that he wept four hours.

We had to play without a drummer.

I just worked the bass drum on my foot.

Still, I wish my number one groupie

could've been there.

Hey, not in school.

And I'm not your groupie.

So you gonna get a phone? Ring me maybe?

- I've got three phones.

You were supposed to ring about eight.

- I was busy.

Yeah, obviously listening to your solos.

- And working a bass drum with my foot.

I'm really sick of you not calling,

so maybe you should sit that out.

OK, I'll just see you later.

- I'll...

Kate?

Hey, Tom, can I have that homework?

English class, five minutes. Please.

I haven't done it.

Come on, baby, you scratch my back,

I'll scratch your back.

If that's OK with you?

- I'd really rather you didn't.

I think, Tom,

we're still mates, aren't we?

Sorry there, f***-face.

I mean apologies, old bean.

Ta-ra for now, love.

OK, settle down.

Page 36.

Try and answer a couple of them

on your own this time.

Who's the new chick?

- She's not new. That's Marry.

Mary? You're f***ing shitting me.

What the f***?

- You seen Monster Munch Mary?

Yeah, she hasn't been Monster Munch Mary

since last summer.

She went to boot camp

or took a massive sh*t or something.

Hey, are you doing anything this weekend,

on Saturday?

No.

Maybe you could come around.

We could have a couple of beers.

I've got a box set of Vin Diesel movies.

Hold on. You have a free house?

- But not like that.

Who's coming?

- No one, just you.

What about Richie and Bulger?

- No, two's company. Three's a party.

Did someone say "party"?

- Party? Will there be cake?

There's not f***ing party.

No talking.

No talking in class.

Oh f***!

And here we have

the male reproductive organ.

Presto.

- Oh my God, look how small that is.

Give me back my dick.

Give me it back.

Your time is up, Tom.

Your time is up. Please hand in

your papers, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you again for your sterling efforts.

That will be all for today.

Blondie, more of a stretch here.

Lose those pounds. You've put too many on.

Scarecrow, come on. Do something there.

You in the pink, you sissy, move.

Betty Boo, more of an effort into that.

Come on, Fatso.

Get a move on there, Specky.

Here, what are you doing standing?

Get a move on it. That's very good.

You do that. Hey Magic, get rid of

that f***ing ball and start stretching.

Yeah. What the...

Are you ordering food online again?

- No.

Of all the people to have a free house

and he doesn't wanna have a party.

Vinny, give him a break.

- Why?

Because it's his birthday this weekend.

It's his birthday this weekend?

- Yeah.

Like this weekend coming?

Yes, this weekend coming.

It's his birthday.

And garlic bread.

I was thinking, this weekend,

total surprise party for Tom.

Dude, that's like flashing a strobe light

at an epileptic. Can't do it.

Let's get it on.

Bulger, gimme the ball.

Earth to Tom.

Wake up, you lazy bastard.

Dude, you should have this party.

- No.

Kate and Dan are at breaking point.

You can put that six year boner to use.

Don't say anything.

Just think about it.

You're a legend, Tom.

Shoot it, Tom.

- Shoot it. Come on.

Wait, wait, wait.

Vinny. Richie. Bulger.

Holy sh*t. It's on.

- It's on.

It's actually happening?

- Yep.

Oh my God. This is amazing.

There'll be cake and everything, Bulger.

- Whatever.

Tom, are we doing presents?

You know I don't do that sort of thing.

You, Kate. What did I tell you about

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