Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot

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These bad guys are always late.

- They'll be here.

When, Tony?

We've been sitting here two hours.

The meeting's been planned for weeks.

They'll be here. Be patient, alright?

Yeah, so will the Easter bunny,

and my next birthday!

And guess what...

It's about goddamn time!

Got the money?

No, food stamps.

- I don't trust this dude.

I deal in stolen merchandise.

I'm not very trustworthy.

You show up late...

and then you ask dumb questions.

- Could be a cop.

Or Elvis or the Wizard of Oz.

Do you want to deal or not?

Alright, show him the stuff.

Come on. Hurry up. I'm late.

Back off!

- Really?

Police! Stop!

Nobody listens.

Tony, get over here!

Come on!

I'm hit.

Where? I can't move my leg.

It's not your leg,

you've got glass in your ass!

First these guys show up late,

and then they ask dumb questions.

Then they shoot you in the ass.

They're pissing me off!

Beginner's luck!

Joe, she's not in.

- She's in, I know it.

Then why don't she answer?

Knows it's me. She's just watching

the phone ring and not answering.

I can feel it.

She's trying to grind me down.

You're crazy, Joe.

You're out of your tiny Jersey mind.

Hey, it's Detective Alka-Seltzer!

- Not today, okay, Ross.

Thanks, Ray. - Is it true

you used Tony's butt for cover?

Boy, there's a butt

I could use for cover.

Watch what you say about Gwen.

- About "Gwen"?

I'm sorry, Joe.

Are you and the lieutenant involved?

If I thought you were involved,

I never would have said a word.

Joe, Lieutenant wants to see you.

I think she's in a weird mood.

Lovers' tiff?

Morning!

- Sit down.

Know what I was just thinking about?

Remember Catalina? - Of course.

- Great weekend. - The best.

It was great because I was in love.

- Me too.

Remember what I said Sunday morning

when we were sitting on the terrace?

That you'd like me to nibble all...

- Not that.

I was the first man to...

The other stuff.

Oh, the feelings stuff.

Right.

Feelings and responsibilities stuff.

- Come on, Gwen.

If this is about the bust...

- I'm not talking about that fiasco.

You go out getting drunk,

while I stay up worrying!

You didn't call!

It was late.

Didnt want to wake you.

Here, hold this.

- Why?

Pretend we're talking business.

Dont want the precinct knowing.

I think they already know.

- What was I to think?

They said somebody got hit.

Then that Tony got hit

and you went to get more beer!

Honey, it's true.

I had a few drinks with the guys.

Yeah?

- Yeah.

That's funny, because Lou told me

you spent the evening on the phone.

So tell me,

who were you calling?

It sure wasn't me!

My mom.

Excuse me?

I was calling my mom.

You were calling your mom

at 2:
30 in the morning.

That's the most pathetic excuse!

Tell me who she is.

She isn't anybody, she's my mom.

It doesn't really matter.

Could be your mom or a Dial-a-Bimbo.

It's over! - You don't mean that.

- I mean every word.

It's embarrassing me in my work.

You run away from responsibility.

I'll pack your... - I'm not going to

listen to this. - Where you going?

Fishing!

Get back in here!

Get back in this office, Bomowski!

That's an order.

Mom, I know you're there.

Come on!

Please God,

make her pick up.

Okay, that's it.

I've had it. I've really had it.

I'm a dead man.

This the New York flight?

- Yes, coming out right now.

Relax, kid, relax.

I think that's him. Yeah, it is.

Little Joey!

You must be Joe?

- Yes. Why?

I was a bed-wetter too.

It was so sweet!

He said, "Mommy,

my pee-pee got stuck in my zipper!"

Joey! There's my Joey!

There's my little boy.

Come here!

You've given up shaving.

- No, I shave.

Call that a shave?

- I shaved.

Did you use a lawnmower?

What girl is going to marry you,

if you don't shave!

- Hi, Tutti!

This is little Joey?

- Looks a lot different in clothes.

We've got to be getting along now,

but thanks for showing us the photos.

You looked real sexy in diapers.

Sally, if things don't work out

with the doctor, Joey's single!

I've always been a sucker

for a guy in Pampers!

What?

I can't get over you driving.

- I've been driving for 20 years!

You'll always be my little Joey.

Where were you the last few days?

At home in New Jersey. Where else?

- I must've called you 50 times.

That was you?

- Why didn't you answer?

For 5 years,

every time I'm about to visit,

you call and say it's a bad time.

This time I decided

I wouldn't answer the phone.

That's the most...

- Watch out!

Moron!

- Up yours, pal!

Sorry.

- Shall I drive? - No!

No, Mom.

I'm okay.

That was a close call, Pixie.

All cars near 4th and Main,

Please respond

to 486 South Main Street. Code 2.

What's going on? - Got a jumper

up there. Looks like he'll do it.

Did the shrink show up?

- He's on his way.

Stay here.

Where are you going?

- Up there.

It's too dangerous. Listen.

I do this all the time.

I'm not bad at it.

I want you to stay here

and let me take care of this.

Be careful!

Dont do anything foolish!

What seems to be the man's problem?

- He wants to talk to his mother.

They've been having problems.

Really?

I'll take care of this, officer.

Hey, how are you doing? Alright?

- Leave me alone. Dont touch me!

Stay back, I'm gonna do it!

- I just want to talk to you.

Dont tell me what to do!

Stay there, I'm going to do it!

- Hey you, young man!

Down here! I'm not your mother,

but I am a mother

and you could talk to me,

if that's alright. - Officer,

this is serious. - Let her talk.

What do you want?

I just want you to know

the man next to you is my son.

We've had our difficulties.

- Mom, stay out of this, okay?

Joe, wave to the crowd.

- Mom. Goddamnit!

You don't swear to your mother.

Butt out, it's my mother.

- So do what she tells you.

Start waving or I'm jumping.

Start waving!

Start waving or I'm jumping!

I'm waving. See?

Mom, hi.

By the way, Joe's still single.

How do you like that?

He's a very nice boy.

A bit rough round the edge,

but nothing the right girl couldn't

smooth out. - Secure the megaphone.

We used to fight all the time.

He was very small for his age.

I was not! I was average height!

About your height. What's the deal?

Bet she's got pictures.

- I've got pictures, wait a minute.

She's got pictures.

- Mom, get rid of the pictures!

Isn't he adorable?

I thought I had things bad.

- Not close.

I'm ready to go in now.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

- Yeah.

That guy needs help.

Lesley Carnel, Channel 8 News.

We're downtown at 4th and Main,

where a man is on a ledge,

apparently despondent

about his mother. - Make her stop!

Are we here?

Is that your house?

What?

It's very, very nice.

- What's the matter. - Nothing.

You sniffed.

No, it's nothing. Only...

Only what?

Won't get a girl if you don't clean.

I clean this house every morning.

I clean and I clean.

It's not clean.

Filled with dust. Look at this!

You could grow things on it.

What's this? There's stuff under it.

Is that the closet?

No!

- What?

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