Stories We Tell Page #4

but to me it was

some kind of production.

I felt like I was

at a big play or something.

I think, in retrospect,

after Mom died,

Dad was depressed.

He seemed very rational about it,

as he always does,

but the whole thing about him

playing solitaire all the time

and being even

more isolated than usual

all suggests

that he just sort of shut down.

I mean, going to visit him

when he would be playing solitaire

and wouldn't stop playing,

as if he just wanted

to shut the world off.

It was very strange.

It was sort of like

walking into a home

of utter neglect

and almost disuse.

And I remember Dad

just smoking all day.

And I remember him being

very angry and upset

about you not taking care of the dog,

which was a little bit weird,

"cause you seemed like a little kid

that nobody was taking care of.

It really knocked me out,

and the other children

had gone away.

Suddenly,

there was just you and I left.

Luckily, I had you there

to look after

as well as to look after me.

What were you, 11 then?

The next few years,

our relationship was a very, very...

a great period from my life.

It certainly was

an unusual relationship, too,

in the sense it's not very often

that a father and a daughter

are so close

because of circumstances.

So in a way, I felt closer to you

than I'd ever felt

about the other children,

because there had always been

Diane there as well.

Suddenly, there was myself

and this little girl.

There were four or five very close years

we had together.

Michael remembers a time or two

after Diane had died

when the children would

come up for a Sunday dinner

to join Sarah and him,

and he remembers how one day

someone said that Sarah

did not look at all like her father.

It's time to go back

many years once more.

Johnny was working

in the living room

on a list for a casting call,

and his mother

was alone in the den.

Then he thought he heard something

that sounded like distress

and found himself being unable

to resist moving a little closer.

He stopped, and he listened,

and there was no doubt

that she was crying.

What I overheard was Mom

saying that she was pregnant,

and that she was

considering an abortion,

and that she wasn't

sure who the father was.

But I remember Mom,

whoever she was talking on the phone,

talking about this big weekend

that she and Michael had had

and how it had reinvigorated

the relationship,

and he started to write her

all these love letters

after the weekend

that they had in Montreal.

It was clear that you

had been conceived

while Mom was in Montreal.

He listened for a while longer

and then hurried guiltily back

to his work in the living room.

He said nothing,

and so the event passed,

and John kept it all to himself

while an entire generation

went to their graves.

I guess I'd kind of blocked it.

I guess

I'd stopped thinking about it,

because what good is it

going to do?

The family was

a big enough mess already.

Years later,

when I was in my 20s,

long after Mom had died,

Anne Tait mentioned something

about somebody in Montreal

when Mom was in Montreal

for that period of time.

Johnny once led me

into talking about that.

Because I think I was

quite tight-lipped about it.

I thought that this actor

in the play

might have been the father.

Your father, let's say it.

It makes it sound

as if she was terribly promiscuous,

which, in fact,

I don't think she was.

But I think she did consider

that it was possible

that it could be this other guy.

And so at some point...

because we used to often have dinner

together on weekends...

probably Johnny started by saying,

"You don't look much

like your father. "

I think it was Johnny.

I want to say it was Johnny.

And now in retrospect

that I know that Johnny

was the first of us who knew,

it must have been Johnny.

I stupidly mentioned it to Mark,

I thought.

My lawyer has said

I don't have to talk to you,

and so I'm not gonna say

anything more.

I remember Johnny saying

that someone thought

that your father

might be someone that Mom

had acted with in a play.

I told him

not to say anything to anyone,

but then they turned it into a joke.

And I did not participate

in the joke, did I?

I don't think I ever did.

I remember we talked

about how you didn't look like Dad,

and Dad joked about it.

I always thought,

"She does look like me.

"Got that little straight nose.

Yeah, definitely.

"This is all nonsense, but it's fun.

"Who do you think your father is

this week, Sarah?"

And the joke

got bigger and bigger,

because we'd each compare you

with one of these three actors.

They all knew

of the three actors in question,

and had much fun

with the characteristics

that they had in common

with Sarah.

Sarah laughed.

They all laughed,

and the comparisons became

a recurring source of amusement.

Was it Tom or Wayne or Geoff?

If you could just

take back that one line.

Yeah.

Was it Tom or Wayne or Geoff?

Do you remember the name

of the actor in the play

that you thought

might be my father?

Yes. Of course,

I remember his name.

Do you want me

to talk about that?

If you're comfortable.

Well, it depends on whether

he's comfortable, I would think.

It was Geoff Bowes.

The thinking was

that it was Geoff Bowes.

There was, I guess,

an actor named Geoff Bowes.

Geoff Bowes.

That's what the film's gonna be like.

"Geoff Bowes. "

"Geoff Bowes. "

Johnny pretended that

she'd mentioned Geoff Bowes

and an affair with him,

and so I said,

"Well, okay, I'll tell you.

"Yes, she did tell me. "

What do you remember me saying?

I trust you more

than I trust myself right now.

At that point, I opened

Face to Face with Talent

and looked at Geoff Bowes' picture

and thought,

"Oh, yeah, for sure.

"Look how much she looks like him,

"and he's short,

and he has red hair. "

And you were born

with bright red hair.

I instantly flashed back

to Mom making a huge deal

about you having red hair.

It's like when

you're lying about something,

you overplay it?

She had gone on and on

about how weird it is

that Sarah has red hair.

"It's so odd!

"I guess my cousin

Margaret-Anne has red hair. "

And that struck me,

and then I saw him

with the red hair,

and I really did think...

I really thought it was true.

So at some point, I think I did start

to believe it was true

and thought someone

should say something to you.

I feel like we all had a discussion

about it at some point,

"we all" being everyone but you.

And I think Johnny said

I had a big mouth

and that I was probably

gonna tell you or something.

And I was saying,

"I think we should tell her. "

Now, I think

we should leap forward to a point

several years after Diane's death,

when the jokes with her family

round the dinner table

were not so funny,

and since it went further

and named the member

of the cast of Toronto

who was her possible parent,

she decided it was time

to take the plunge.

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