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Stranger Than Fiction Page #3
...in the hallway out there?
- What?
You were counting them
as we walked, weren't you?
No.
Of course.
What bank do you work at?
No bank. IRS agent.
- Married?
- No.
Ever?
Engaged to an auditor.
She left me for an actuary.
- How heartbreaking. Live alone?
- Yes.
- Any pets?
- No.
- Friends?
- No. Well, Dave at work.
I see. The narrator,
exactly what does he sound like?
It's a woman.
A woman.
- Is it a familiar woman?
- No.
Someone you know?
No.
Did you have enough time
to count the tiles in the bathroom?
I wasn't counting the tiles.
- Coffee?
- No, thank you.
- Sure?
- Yes.
So this woman, the voice,
told you you're gonna die?
She didn't tell me.
She doesn't know I can hear her.
- But she said it.
- Yes.
And you believed her.
She's been right
about a few other things.
- Such as?
- How I felt about work.
- You dislike your work?
- Yes.
Well, not the most insightful voice
in the world, is it?
First thing on a list
of what Americans hate: Work.
Second, traffic. Third, missing socks.
See what I'm saying?
Sort of.
I told you you were gonna die,
you believe me?
- No.
- Why?
I don't know you.
- But you don't know this narrator.
- Well... .
- Okay, Mr. Crick, I can't help you.
- Why?
Well, I'm not an expert in crazy,
I'm an expert in literature theory.
And I gotta tell you, thus far...
...there doesn't seem to be a single
I don't doubt you hear a voice,
but it couldn't possibly be a narrator...
...because, frankly, there doesn't seem
to be much to narrate.
Beside that, this semester
I'm teaching five courses.
I'm mentoring
two doctoral candidates...
...and I'm the faculty lifeguard
at the pool.
- I just thought you could possibly--
- Perhaps you should keep a journal.
Write down what she said
or something.
That's all I can suggest.
I just remember:
"Little did he know that this simple,
seemingly innocuous act...
...would lead to his imminent death."
- What?
- "Little did he know that this--"
- Did you say, "little did he know"?
- Yes.
I've written papers
on "little did he know."
I used to teach a class
based on "little did he know."
I mean, I once gave an entire seminar
on "little did he know."
Son of a b*tch, Harold.
"Little did he know" means there's
something he doesn't know...
...that means there's something
you don't know. Did you know that?
- I want you to come back Friday.
- Okay.
No, "imminent,"
you could be dead by Friday.
Come back tomorrow at 9:45.
Ten seconds ago
you said you wouldn't help me.
It's been a very revealing 10 seconds,
Harold.
Harold was deep in thought.
For a few, brief moments, from
Born Boulevard to Euclid Avenue...
... all the calculations
and all the rules...
... and all the precision of Harold's life
just faded away.
How perfect then
that in this space...
Ms. Pascal.
Ms. Pascal, it's Harold Crick
from the IRS.
Excuse me.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Would you like a seat?
- Nope.
There's 11 open ones.
I don't care.
Sorry about that.
How are you?
I'm lousy. I'm being audited.
Of course.
By a real creep too.
I think I owe you an apology.
- Really?
- IRS agents...
...we're given rigorous aptitude tests
before we can work.
Unfortunately for you, we aren't tested
on tact or good manners...
...so I apologize.
I ogled you.
Sorry.
Okay, apology accepted.
But only because you stammered.
So you're a frequenter of the
metropolitan transit authority too?
No. I'm just late.
Big flag-burning to get to?
Actually...
...it's my weekly evil-conspiracy
and needlepoint group.
You wanna come?
I left my thimbles and socialist
reading material at home.
So... .
Harold nervously made small talk.
You have very straight teeth.
Very small talk.
Thanks. They're real.
Harold quickly calculated the odds
of making an ass of himself...
... in ratio to the amount of time
he stayed to chat.
This is my stop. I should go.
- He was elated and surprised...
- See you soon.
... by his somewhat flirtatious
encounter with Ms. Pascal.
So elated that he exited
... a good 27 blocks too early
and would now have to walk.
- "You ain't down yet."
- That's right.
Tell us, what is You Ain't Got
Nothin' On Me about, Emmett Cole?
What does this mean?
in the world, doing different things...
- ... doing what you wanna do... .
- Come in.
Mr. Crick. Come in, come in. Please.
How are you?
I'm fine, actually.
You can turn that off.
Looks like our narrator
- No, not yet.
- Good, great. Have a seat.
- No.
Course not. I've devised a test--
How exciting is that?
- Of 23 questions...
...which I think might help uncover
more truths about this narrator.
- Now, Howard... .
- Harold.
Harold. These may seem silly,
but your candor is paramount.
Okay.
So.
We know it's a woman's voice,
the story involves your death...
...it's modern, it's in English.
I'm assuming the author
has a cursory knowledge of the city.
- Sure.
- Okay, good.
Question one:
Anything? Gum? Money?
- I'm sorry?
- Just answer the question.
- No.
"Do you find yourself inclined
...in large, luxurious homes
to which--?" Let me finish.
"To which you may or may not
have been invited?"
No. No, no, no.
All right. On a scale of one to 10...
...what would you consider the
likelihood you might be assassinated?
Assassinated?
One being very unlikely, 10 being
expecting it around every corner.
- I have no idea--
- Okay. Let me rephrase.
Are you the king of anything?
- Like what?
- Anything.
King of the lanes
"King of the lanes"?
- King of the lanes. King of the trolls.
- "King of the trolls"?
Yes. A clandestine land
found underneath your floorboards.
- Anything.
- No.
No. That's ridiculous.
Agreed. But let's start with ridiculous
and move backwards.
Now, was any part of you at one time
part of something else?
Like do I have someone else's arms?
Well, is it possible at one time
that you were made of stone...
...wood, lye, varied corpse parts...
...or earth made holy
by rabbinical elders?
No. Look... . I'm sorry. What do these
questions have to do with anything?
The only way to find out
what story you're in...
...is to determine what stories
you're not in.
Odd as it may seem, I've just ruled out
half of Greek literature...
...seven fairy tales,
...and determined conclusively
that you are not King Hamlet...
...Scout Finch, Miss Marple...
...Frankenstein's monster,
or a golem.
Aren't you relieved to know
you're not a golem?
Yes, I am relieved to know
that I am not a golem.
Good.
Do you have magical powers?
May I ask what we're doing out here?
- We're imagining car wrecks.
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"Stranger Than Fiction" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 1 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/stranger_than_fiction_18965>.
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