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Stranger Than Fiction Page #4
- I see.
And we can't imagine
car wrecks inside?
No.
Did you know
that 41 percent of accidents...
...occur in times
of inclement weather?
So do 90 percent
of pneumonia cases.
Really? Pneumonia.
That's an interesting way to die.
But how would Harold
catch pneumonia?
Have you written
anything new today?
No.
Did you read the poems I suggested,
or make a list of words...
...buy new typing paper, anything?
No, none of it.
Sitting in the rain won't write books.
Well, that illustrates exactly how much
What's this?
It's literature on the nicotine patch.
I don't need a nicotine patch, Penny.
I smoke cigarettes.
Well, it may help.
May help? Help what?
Help what, Penny?
Help write a novel?
May help save your life.
I'm not in the business of saving lives.
In fact, just the opposite.
- "What's your favorite word?"
- Integer.
Good, good, good.
"Do you aspire to anything?"
- No.
- Conquer Russia?
- Win a whistling contest?
- No.
Harold, you must
have some ambition.
- I don't think so.
- Some underlying dream. Think.
Well...
to be more musical.
- Like West Side Story?
- No.
- Like... .
- What?
Well, I've always wanted to learn
to play the guitar.
Okay.
The last thing
to determine conclusively...
...is whether you're in a comedy
or a tragedy.
"The ultimate meaning
to which all stories refer has two faces:
The continuity of life,
the inevitability of death."
Tragedy, you die.
Comedy, you get hitched.
Most comic heroes
fall in love with people...
...introduced after the story
has begun.
Usually people
who hate the hero initially.
Although I can't imagine anyone
hating you, Harold.
Professor Hilbert, I'm an IRS agent.
Everyone hates me.
Right, right. Good.
Have you met anyone recently
who might loathe the very core of you?
I just started auditing a woman
who told me to get bent.
Well, that sounds like a comedy.
Try to develop that.
Four of these?
You know, I didn't get my honey,
honey.
Lulu, can you refill the honey
for Larry? Quarters also?
That's my good boy.
I'm adding some acorns.
Mr. Crick.
You're here early.
Must have a lot of people to extort.
No. No, just you.
- Twig tea and banana bread.
- Yes, ma'am.
Actually, it should only take the day to
make sure 22 percent is all you owe.
Well, I won't be paying no matter
the percentage, Mr. Crick.
No, I know. But the percent
determines how big your cell is.
You know, you can call me Harold.
Yeah, I know. But I don't want to.
This is for Ramona, honey.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're very welcome.
What is that?
What are you marking?
Oh, this is nothing.
Why don't we start
with your backup documents...
...and the receipts
for the past three years.
Sure.
What's this?
- My files.
- What?
My tax files.
You keep your files like this?
No, actually I'm quite fastidious.
I put them in this box
just to screw with you.
- Hi.
- Hi. How are you?
So how was it? Aruba.
Ms. Pascal? Can I just ask you
a question about this receipt?
- It was fantastic.
- Just wondering if this nine is a seven.
- And what did you do?
- I got a beautiful tan.
- I'm just gonna guess it's a seven.
- I mean, I feel stress-free.
Do you need help with that?
- Walk to heaven. I see the president.
- It's the taxman. Hello, Mr. Taxman.
- Yeah.
- You can call me Harold.
- Okay.
- How the numbers going?
- Pretty good.
- Gonna find that 22 percent?
- 22 percent?
Twenty-two, 11 times 2.
It's prime numbers.
- You gonna tax the bathroom?
- No, I'm not gonna tax the bathroom.
- Could I use the bathroom, then?
- Go for it.
Okay. I wanna use the bathroom.
Bye now.
Bye-bye.
Well, good night.
You want a cookie?
Oh, no.
Come on. They're warm and gooey.
They're fresh out of the oven.
No, I don't like cookies.
You don't like cookies?
- What's wrong with you?
- I don't know.
- No, I know.
no-good day...
...didn't your mama ever make you
milk and cookies?
No. My mother didn't bake.
The only cookies I ever had
were store-bought.
Okay. Sit down.
- No, I'm--
- No.
Sit down.
Now...
...eat a cookie.
I really can't.
Mr. Crick, it was a really awful day.
I know, I made sure of it.
So pick up the cookie...
...dip it in the milk...
...and eat it.
That's a really, really good cookie.
So when did you decide
to become a baker?
- In college.
- Oh, like a cooking college?
I went to Harvard Law actually.
- Oh, I'm sorry, I just assumed it was--
- No. No, it's fine. I didn't finish.
- Did something happen?
- No.
I was barely accepted.
I mean, really barely.
The only reason they let me come
was because of my essay.
How I was gonna make the world
a better place with my degree.
Anyway, we would have to participate
...my classmates and I,
sometimes all night long.
And so I'd bake so no one
would go hungry while we worked.
Sometimes I would bake all afternoon
in the kitchen in the dorm...
...and then I'd bring my little treats
to the study groups...
Eat.
I made oatmeal cookies,
peanut-butter bars...
...dark-chocolate
macadamia-nut wedges.
and stay happy...
...and study harder
and do better on the tests.
More and more people started
coming to the study groups...
...and I'd bring more snacks.
I was always looking
for better and better recipes...
...until soon it was ricotta cheese
and apricot croissants...
...and mocha bars
with an almond glaze...
And at the end of the semester
I had 27 study partners...
...eight Mead journals
filled with recipes...
...and a D average.
So I dropped out.
I figured if I was gonna
make the world a better place...
...I would do it with cookies.
You like them?
I do.
I'm glad.
Thank you for forcing me
to eat them.
You're welcome.
For the cookies, I mean.
- Why don't you take them home?
- Oh, no.
- Oh, come on.
- No, really, please.
- No, really, please.
- No, no, no. Really, please.
I would like to, but I can't.
- You can't?
- No, no, I mean--
Because, see, it constitutes a gift.
Actually I shouldn't have even had
those other ones, so... .
Okay. Well, I'm not
gonna tell anyone.
- No. I know, but if you did... .
- Well, I'm not going to.
I know, but if you did--
- What, you think I'm gonna call the--?
- No, no. I'll purchase them.
How's that?
And then there are no issues.
- What?
- No.
- Please.
- Just... .
- Why don't I just--?
- Go home.
Really, it's not a big deal.
Go home.
Okay.
Did you...?
You baked those cookies for me,
didn't you?
You were just trying to be nice
and I totally blew it.
This may sound like gibberish
to you...
...but I think I'm in a tragedy.
Professor Hilbert, I've totally failed
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"Stranger Than Fiction" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 1 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/stranger_than_fiction_18965>.
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