Stranger Than Fiction Page #4

- I see.

And we can't imagine

car wrecks inside?

No.

Did you know

that 41 percent of accidents...

...occur in times

of inclement weather?

So do 90 percent

of pneumonia cases.

Really? Pneumonia.

That's an interesting way to die.

But how would Harold

catch pneumonia?

Have you written

anything new today?

No.

Did you read the poems I suggested,

or make a list of words...

...buy new typing paper, anything?

No, none of it.

Sitting in the rain won't write books.

Well, that illustrates exactly how much

you know about writing books.

What's this?

It's literature on the nicotine patch.

I don't need a nicotine patch, Penny.

I smoke cigarettes.

Well, it may help.

May help? Help what?

Help what, Penny?

Help write a novel?

May help save your life.

I'm not in the business of saving lives.

In fact, just the opposite.

- "What's your favorite word?"

- Integer.

Good, good, good.

"Do you aspire to anything?"

- No.

- Conquer Russia?

- Win a whistling contest?

- No.

Harold, you must

have some ambition.

- I don't think so.

- Some underlying dream. Think.

Well...

...l've always wanted my life

to be more musical.

- Like West Side Story?

- No.

- Like... .

- What?

Well, I've always wanted to learn

to play the guitar.

Okay.

The last thing

to determine conclusively...

...is whether you're in a comedy

or a tragedy.

To quote Italo Calvino:

"The ultimate meaning

to which all stories refer has two faces:

The continuity of life,

the inevitability of death."

Tragedy, you die.

Comedy, you get hitched.

Most comic heroes

fall in love with people...

...introduced after the story

has begun.

Usually people

who hate the hero initially.

Although I can't imagine anyone

hating you, Harold.

Professor Hilbert, I'm an IRS agent.

Everyone hates me.

Right, right. Good.

Have you met anyone recently

who might loathe the very core of you?

I just started auditing a woman

who told me to get bent.

Well, that sounds like a comedy.

Try to develop that.

Four of these?

You know, I didn't get my honey,

honey.

Lulu, can you refill the honey

for Larry? Quarters also?

That's my good boy.

I'm adding some acorns.

Mr. Crick.

You're here early.

Must have a lot of people to extort.

No. No, just you.

- Twig tea and banana bread.

- Yes, ma'am.

Actually, it should only take the day to

make sure 22 percent is all you owe.

Well, I won't be paying no matter

the percentage, Mr. Crick.

No, I know. But the percent

determines how big your cell is.

You know, you can call me Harold.

Yeah, I know. But I don't want to.

This is for Ramona, honey.

- Oh, thank you.

- You're very welcome.

What is that?

What are you marking?

Oh, this is nothing.

Why don't we start

with your backup documents...

...and the receipts

for the past three years.

Sure.

What's this?

- My files.

- What?

My tax files.

You keep your files like this?

No, actually I'm quite fastidious.

I put them in this box

just to screw with you.

- Hi.

- Hi. How are you?

So how was it? Aruba.

Ms. Pascal? Can I just ask you

a question about this receipt?

- It was fantastic.

- Just wondering if this nine is a seven.

- And what did you do?

- I got a beautiful tan.

- I'm just gonna guess it's a seven.

- I mean, I feel stress-free.

Do you need help with that?

- Walk to heaven. I see the president.

- It's the taxman. Hello, Mr. Taxman.

- Yeah.

- You can call me Harold.

- Okay.

- How the numbers going?

- Pretty good.

- Gonna find that 22 percent?

- 22 percent?

Twenty-two, 11 times 2.

It's prime numbers.

- You gonna tax the bathroom?

- No, I'm not gonna tax the bathroom.

- Could I use the bathroom, then?

- Go for it.

Okay. I wanna use the bathroom.

Bye now.

Bye-bye.

Well, good night.

You want a cookie?

Oh, no.

Come on. They're warm and gooey.

They're fresh out of the oven.

No, I don't like cookies.

You don't like cookies?

- What's wrong with you?

- I don't know.

- Everybody likes cookies.

- No, I know.

I mean, after a really awful,

no-good day...

...didn't your mama ever make you

milk and cookies?

No. My mother didn't bake.

The only cookies I ever had

were store-bought.

Okay. Sit down.

- No, I'm--

- No.

Sit down.

Now...

...eat a cookie.

I really can't.

Mr. Crick, it was a really awful day.

I know, I made sure of it.

So pick up the cookie...

...dip it in the milk...

...and eat it.

That's a really, really good cookie.

So when did you decide

to become a baker?

- In college.

- Oh, like a cooking college?

I went to Harvard Law actually.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I just assumed it was--

- No. No, it's fine. I didn't finish.

- Did something happen?

- No.

I was barely accepted.

I mean, really barely.

The only reason they let me come

was because of my essay.

How I was gonna make the world

a better place with my degree.

Anyway, we would have to participate

in these study sessions...

...my classmates and I,

sometimes all night long.

And so I'd bake so no one

would go hungry while we worked.

Sometimes I would bake all afternoon

in the kitchen in the dorm...

...and then I'd bring my little treats

to the study groups...

...and people loved them.

Eat.

I made oatmeal cookies,

peanut-butter bars...

...dark-chocolate

macadamia-nut wedges.

And everyone would eat

and stay happy...

...and study harder

and do better on the tests.

More and more people started

coming to the study groups...

...and I'd bring more snacks.

I was always looking

for better and better recipes...

...until soon it was ricotta cheese

and apricot croissants...

...and mocha bars

with an almond glaze...

...and lemon chiffon cake

with zesty peach icing.

And at the end of the semester

I had 27 study partners...

...eight Mead journals

filled with recipes...

...and a D average.

So I dropped out.

I figured if I was gonna

make the world a better place...

...I would do it with cookies.

You like them?

I do.

I'm glad.

Thank you for forcing me

to eat them.

You're welcome.

I should go. Oh, thank you.

For the cookies, I mean.

- Why don't you take them home?

- Oh, no.

- Oh, come on.

- No, really, please.

- No, really, please.

- No, no, no. Really, please.

I would like to, but I can't.

- You can't?

- No, no, I mean--

Because, see, it constitutes a gift.

Actually I shouldn't have even had

those other ones, so... .

Okay. Well, I'm not

gonna tell anyone.

- No. I know, but if you did... .

- Well, I'm not going to.

I know, but if you did--

- What, you think I'm gonna call the--?

- No, no. I'll purchase them.

I'm happy to purchase them.

How's that?

And then there are no issues.

- What?

- No.

- Please.

- Just... .

- Why don't I just--?

- Go home.

Really, it's not a big deal.

Go home.

Okay.

Did you...?

You baked those cookies for me,

didn't you?

You were just trying to be nice

and I totally blew it.

This may sound like gibberish

to you...

...but I think I'm in a tragedy.

Professor Hilbert, I've totally failed

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