Stranger Than Fiction Page #7

I figured you would have mentioned

the accent and she doesn't... .

She kills people.

- What?

- In every book she--

The books are all about--

They die. She kills them.

- Kills who?

- The heroes.

Four Black Veils. What is that?

It's about a girl who loses

several members of her family...

... in quick succession.

Where is she?

She's untraceable. Believe me,

I used to teach a class on her.

I've written her letters. I mean,

she's a hermit, she's a recluse.

Here. Here's the last book she wrote.

Look at the copyright. She hasn't

published anything in 10 years.

She had knowledge of the city.

Does she live here?

She used to, yes, but I mean--

Banneker Press. 2267 Wallace Street.

Is that her publisher?

You're not listening. I said even

if you find her she's not gonna--

Thank you for your help.

She only writes tragedies!

I don't believe in God.

Okay, he's bringing her flours.

Kay, where you been?

I went out to buy cigarettes...

...and I figured out

how to kill Harold Crick.

Buying cigarettes?

As I was--

When I came out of the store...

...it came to me.

How?

Well, Penny,

like anything worth writing...

...it came inexplicably

and without method.

I see. Then what happens?

It's perfect, actually. I can't believe

I didn't think of it earlier.

It's simple, ironic...

...possibly heartbreaking.

Is that it?

Yes.

- You wrote it on legal sheets?

- On the bus.

Well, then.

So I'll finish it today.

I'll let the publishers know.

I'll begin packing my things.

I appreciate it.

- Hi. Hello. Hi.

- May I help you?

I need to speak to Karen Eiffel.

- I'm sorry?

- Karen Eiffel.

She's one of your authors.

I need to talk to her.

Well, sir, she's not here.

No. No, I know. I need to find her.

I need to know where she is.

We're just the publishers.

Right. Of course. But there must be

a way that I can contact her.

We have the address

where her fan mail is sent.

No, I can't send mail. It's urgent.

How do you know her?

- I'm her brother.

- Her brother?

- Her brother-in-law.

- She has a sister?

No, I'm married to her brother.

Not in this state, the one over.

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you

to leave.

No. Okay. Listen.

I'm one of her characters. I'm new.

I'm in her new book.

And she's going to kill me.

Not actually. But in the book.

But I think it'll actually kill me

so I just need to talk to her...

...and ask her to stop.

Hi, Harold. Nice sweater.

Hi, Harold. Phones are out.

Hey, Harold, 19 percent of 4632...?

Hey, Harold. Back from your vaca?

Hey. Looking good.

- He looks terrible.

- Yeah, banged up.

Wherever he went,

I do not want to go.

Book me not there.

He's totally ignoring me.

Here, look at this now.

There he goes.

It was good having you.

- Oh, dude, the phones are out.

- Can I borrow your cell phone?

- The signal's down.

- Damn it.

- You all right?

- Dave, I need a favor.

- Sure, what is it?

- Can I have some change?

Within moments, Harold found himself

running across the plaza...

... heading for the nearest

pay phone.

At last, he spotted it.

But as Harold neared the phone,

he saw it was occupied...

... by an octogenarian determined

to reach his daughter in Denver...

... no matter how many quarters

it took.

Fortunately, Harold remembered

a bank of phones...

... in the Sixth Street subway tunnel.

The baby's name isn't Mrs. Epstein.

My daughter's name is Mrs. Epstein.

The first phone

failed to give a dial tone.

And the second

seemed to be splattered...

... with a fresh batch of mucus.

Harold dialed the third phone...

... fervently making sure to give each

number key a specific forceful push.

Don't answer that!

Didn't you say this phone never r--?

- Hello?

- Is this Karen Eiffel?

- Yes.

- My name is Harold Crick.

I believe you're writing a story

about me.

- I'm sorry?

- My name is Harold Crick.

- Is this a joke?

- No.

No, I work for the IRS. My name,

Miss Eiffel, is Harold Crick.

When I go through the files at work

I hear a deep and endless ocean.

- Oh, G--!

- Miss Eiffel?

Hello?

Miss Eiffel? Hello?

Let him in.

Hello.

Hello.

I'm Penny. I'm Kay's assistant.

Oh, I'm Harold. Her main character.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Miss Eiffel?

Your hair. Your eyes.

Your fingers.

Your shoes.

Hello.

I'm Harold Crick.

I know.

How did you find me?

We audited you

a little more than 10 years ago...

...and your number was in the file.

I'm sorry,

but this is incredibly strange.

You're telling me.

Didn't you think you were crazy?

Sort of.

But then you were right

about everything. Like, everything.

And then you said,

"Little did he know."

- "Little did he know"?

- Yeah. It's third-person omniscient.

Jesus.

Which meant it was, well, you know,

someone other than me.

At least that's what

Professor Hilbert said.

Professor Hilbert?

- Professor Jules Hilbert?

- Yeah.

Yeah, he loves your books.

I love his letters. I don't--

So you understand

why I had to find you...

...and ask you not to kill me.

- What?

I mean, obviously

you haven't written the end.

Harold... .

I mean, now since we've met

and you can see that I exist...

...you're not gonna kill me, right?

Have you written it?

I can-- No.

- Have you written it?

- An outline.

Okay. But it's just an outline, right?

- Yeah, sort of.

- "Sort of"?

- It's just not typed.

- "Not typed"?!

- Maybe that's okay.

- What does that mean?

- I'm sorry, I'm trying to write a book.

- What do you mean it's "okay"?

- What do you mean you're sorry?

- Kay.

Let him read it.

Let him read it.

- Did you find her?

- Yeah.

- And?

- I may already be dead...

...just not typed.

Is that it?

Did you read it?

I tried, but I couldn't.

You have to read it.

You have to tell me

what to do or what not to do.

If I can avoid it... .

If I have a chance... .

Please.

Okay.

Okay.

And here's your uniform.

It's a go. Banetta's outside,

she'll assign you your locker.

- And you roll.

- I'm ready.

Professor Hilbert?

- Hi, Harold.

- Hi.

You look tired.

No, no, just calm.

Harold, I'm sorry.

You have to die.

What?

It's her masterpiece.

It's possibly the most important novel

in her already stunning career...

...and it's absolutely no good

unless you die at the end.

I've been over it again and again...

...and I know how hard this is

for you to hear.

You're asking me

to knowingly face my death?

Yes.

Really?

Yes.

I thought you'd... .

I thought you'd find something.

I'm sorry, Harold.

Can't we just try and just see

if she can change it?

- No.

- No?

Harold...

...in the grand scheme

it wouldn't matter.

- Yes, it would.

- No.

I could change.

I could quit my job.

I could go away with Ana.

I could be someone else.

Harold, listen to me.

I can't die right now.

It's just really bad timing.

No one wants to die, Harold,

but unfortunately we do.

Harold... .

Harold, listen to me.

Harold, you will die someday,

sometime.

Heart failure at the bank.

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