Stretch

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1

If you like stories about chance

and coincidence and fate...

then here's one you've never heard.

Boy meets girl...

Girl almost kills boy by running

a red light at rush hour.

Boy is T-boned at over

60 miles per hour...

Oh, my God! Are you all right?

...and survives with barely a scratch.

Are you drunk?

Not anymore.

Is that cocaine on your nose?

Between the bottle and the sports book,

boy had lost his way

in the City of Angels.

Until he found one.

The one he's been

looking for his entire life.

I'm sorry, I didn't see the light.

Well, don't go towards it now.

Boy falls in love in that second,

and knows his luck is about to change.

Baby, cum.

Cum, baby, cum on me.

What a difference a year makes...

off the bottle and the blow,

high on life itself.

And about to put a ring

on this girl's finger.

- That felt good, baby.

- Oh, my God, so good.

- Are you happy?

- Yeah, I'm so happy.

I'm breaking up with you.

Yeah.

I've met someone, right?

And... And I fell really hard for him

and I didn't expect it to happen,

but now that it has, I just feel like

I can't ignore my feelings any longer.

Candice,

I just came.

I know.

I know and so did I.

Are you shitting me?

I wanted you to feel euphoric.

It didn't work!

And after that,

everything pretty much went to sh*t.

What a difference

another f***ing year makes.

She'd dumped me for the starting quarterback

of the Cleveland Browns.

His signing bonus was 4.5 million,

my last check was for 816...

dollars.

And I still sit here like an a**hole

and wonder if I could've done

something different?

She devastated me.

She knocked my dick in the dirt.

She took my steam.

My mojo...

And I gotta get it back

because this is killing me!

I mean, what the f*** am I doing?

F***!

I came to LA to be an actor.

Hi, I'm Kevin Briyzowski.

Next.

What's up, I'm Kevin Brizow.

Next.

I'm Kai Bravo.

And now, I drive a limo.

And, shocker, I hate it.

I hate the hours...

I hate the clients...

And, f*** me, I hate my life.

I gotta get my sh*t together.

I know I do.

My life is nearly half over and I have

exactly jack sh*t to show for it.

No money...

No power...

and no women.

And in this town, I am f***ing positive

that's the order they come in.

Better men would've blown

their heads off by now.

Men like Karl with a "K."

Hi, I'm Karl...

- That's how he introduced himself.

- ...with a "K."

Karl with a "K" was legendary.

Karl with a "K" lived to serve.

Karl with a "K"

was the industry gold standard.

Do you like dry two olive Bombay martinis

with a shot of Chambord?

Karl with a "K" knows you do.

- Loose.

- Yeah.

- See that?

- Okay. Okay.

- Just, no tension.

- I see it now.

- Costa Rica...

- Aruba.

Karl with a "K" was trim,

worldly and well-traveled.

You know, I actually did

an Ironman Triathlon in Panama.

Wow.

To Karl with a "K"...

All right, Norman, I think I got

everything out of the bathroom.

...it was about the client.

Quick question. Is that a severed penis?

Always about the client.

Yes, sir.

Some chilled Veuve Clicquot

for the returning honeymooners.

Karl with a "K" was quite simply the

personification of total client satisfaction.

- What about her?

- She's dead.

But... I got you a blueberry muffin.

It's on the seat.

Oh! You're the greatest, Karl.

I am sure his sterling reputation

thrilled Karl with a "K" to no end...

Wow.

You guys look so happy.

...right up until the day

he sucked on a .38 snub nose.

It would mark the only time

in nearly 20 years

that someone else would clean his limo.

Jesus, they buried him in one of those.

I heard later that Karl

had come to LA to be an actor.

But I cannot go out like that.

I don't even believe in fate,

only in the destiny

that you make for yourself.

The only reason I am in this hole

is because I couldn't stop digging.

But that has to change.

Starting today, this f***ing minute,

I am putting the goddamn shovel down.

Yes, indeed.

What's up, babe? What's with these guys?

Naseem wants you

front and center, homie.

He taking heads?

Not yet, but whatever fears

you have are totally founded.

Oh, no.

- Oh, come on.

- What?

- Jesus.

- What? What are you doing?

Look at you.

- You're a disaster.

- Okay.

I can't...

Who gains weight in their neck?

Sexy people.

Smartass.

You look like a slob.

And you look like desert camo.

That's what I'm going for.

Wait, you just disappeared in that chair.

I can only see your head.

You're funny.

You think I'm gonna get axed?

Since you seem to actively

want to lose this job?

- Yeah.

- I don't know, maybe...

Maybe losing my job is like...

Is like part of some plan.

Wait. This is coming

from the guy who doesn't even want

to acknowledge that sh*t actually

happens for a reason.

You're talking about fate,

I don't believe in that.

- And yet, you're a fatalist.

- Not even close.

I'm sorry. Sorry, it was easy.

- Easy.

- You really think so?

Yes, indeed.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Someone is calling you.

- Again?

- Get out of here.

Go get yourself fired.

Sh*t.

Are you firing me, Naseem?

You have a past, Stretch?

Lots of drugs, alcohol, gambling.

You were addicted, yes?

I was addicted, yes. Severely.

But I haven't placed a bet...

taken a drink or done a drug in over a year.

Oh, right.

Do you believe you owe something?

To the people I gambled against?

Yes. About $6,000 to be exact.

$6,000?

Well, it was 12, so I cut it in half.

Do you believe

that you owe me something?

Well, you have given me

a ton of breaks, so...

'Cause I need the old you now.

The part of you powered by pure need?

These other companies

like this cockfuckers

Cossack trying to steal our clients.

So I need every driver to work

as hard as they've ever worked,

for if these Cossack sons of whores

take over, I'm out of business.

And you are out of luck.

This is do,

or this is die.

Yes, indeed.

Yes, indeed.

It's funny

that Naseem was gonna cap my ass

this morning and send me packing.

I guess things are looking up already.

Hey.

Oh, sh*t.

Whoo!

- Look at this motherf***er.

- Iggy.

I know you've been getting my calls.

You're f***in' ignoring 'em.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Before you say anything else,

you need to know that I'm totally

powerless against this.

- Okay, this is not good.

- This is not good at all.

Carlos has sold the farm.

It's new ownership.

No books. So, the six grand you owe...

I'm gonna need it by midnight tonight.

- F*** me!

- Exactly.

- You're serious?

- I'm colon cancer.

I pay every month on time!

- I know.

- Well, do they know?

They do and they don't give a sh*t!

I got a better shot at

shitting out a full grown female giraffe

than coming up with six grand

by midnight tonight!

- Can I talk to the new owners?

- Can you speak Cantonese?

- All right, so if I can't get the cash?

- What do you think, Kevin?

I've been chasing you all around town.

When you call me Kevin

I really start to flip out.

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