Stretch Page #2

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Yeah, you should get freaked out,

because I'm gonna have to leave

a lot more than bruises behind.

Don't make me come looking for you.

Babe, I'm sorry

but I'm running really f***ing late.

Tell me you're messing with me, dude.

I got hung up with an old friend.

What is wrong with you?

This is a first run of the day.

- Charlie...

- First one!

Charlie, relax. I'll handle it.

Now, who am I pickin' up?

Has anyone ever referred to you

as a punk-ass motherf***er?

Not to my recollection.

You're a punk-ass motherf***er.

Who's an hour late.

I'm really sorry.

Come on, son.

If you're gonna patronize me,

at least put your f***ing back into it.

You don't have any respect for the Hoff.

Am I right?

You think I never held a knife?

That I'm unfamiliar

with the taste of blood?

That I took a shitty,

sub-par show about lifeguards,

and turned it into the highest-rated

syndicated hit in television history

because I got f***in' lucky?

I once forcibly sodomized a Viet Cong

colonel with a stick grenade

because he placed an ancestral curse

on me while I was interrogating him.

And I don't even believe

in ancestral curses,

but that's how f***ing deep I roll.

If Karl with a "K" represented

the light of the limo industry,

then its black hole, its darkest dungeon

came in the form of a nameless,

ageless Eastern European immigrant

known simply as, "The Jovi."

He lorded over his company Cossack

with an iron fist and a white-maned

hair metal band wig

that looked like Dog the Bounty Hunter

had been dropped into a deep fryer.

I don't care how it sounds.

That hair scared

the living sh*t out of me.

This blow-dried, death shroud that encased

The Jovi in permanent, perpetual shadow

made him seem indestructible.

F***!

What the f***, dude?

Naseem's going nuts!

What happened to Hasselhoff?

The Jovi got him?

Did you not get Naseem's speech

to the troops today?

I did, I did.

This is the fifth client we've lost

to The Jovi in the last month.

He picked off Andy Cohen last week

and he got Seacrest yesterday.

Flew him to Vegas personally.

What? Jovi's a f***ing pilot?

Naseem thinks he's monitoring

our dispatch calls.

I mean, I... I don't know.

Oh, is that why those guys

were in the office today?

Yep.

They wired us up so we can

eavesdrop on The Jovi.

- So we're stealing his clients too?

- Tit for tat.

I want in. Jovi jacked Hasselhoff,

and I want to steal The Jovi's next client,

whoever it is.

And not to mention, babe,

but I need the cash, badly.

I'm way too good to you.

I'll keep my eye out for a big fish

and let Naseem know.

It might buy you a stay of execution.

- I'll call you back.

- Yes, indeed.

Here you go.

Here it is.

That is called "take-charge sh*t," son!

"That is called 'take-charge sh*t, ' son!

"Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed.

"Hi, my name is Stretch,

"aka Billy Big Balls With Bad Ideas."

Karl would appear to me occasionally

when I was exhausted or otherwise beat.

I thought you hated this job?

Doesn't mean I can afford to lose it.

Wearing a mustache

that he said he grew in hell.

Just drink.

You're so boring. Do some blow.

- Anything...

- I need you to leave me alone.

I'm not here, dicksmoke! I'm a figment.

I'm your fragile, fagotty mind!

Fracturing from lack of sleep,

anxiety, weakness...

Failure.

I knew it was in my head, but lately,

he was showing up more and more.

You know, right before I blew my head off,

I rolled the gun barrel in powdered sugar.

It was between that and cake batter.

Which way are you leaning?

I couldn't kill myself.

You are killing yourself, fuckwit!

All right, so that was just dumb luck.

Iggy tracking me down,

making me late for Hasselhoff.

I gotta stay positive.

I'm pretty sure karma owes me one now.

F*** me!

No, no, no.

You f***er!

You f***er! You f***er!

Holy sh*t!

Yes, indeed.

Yo, we got an ASAP in Cossack.

You still wanna steal Jovi's clients?

Babe, I just saw a gun fight.

My ears are still ringing.

Was it in the Valley?

- Yeah.

- Shocker.

- Are you all right?

- Oh, yeah, I'm good. Woke me up.

Limo, not so much. Took a little damage.

What kind of damage?

Bullets of

the bullet-hole variety.

You're f***ing with me. Really?

Yeah, whatever. Who cares?

Gives it a little character.

So, are we gonna boost

The Jovi's client list or what?

Yup. Ray Liotta, Sony in Culver City

going to Santa Monica Airport.

And Liotta's a personal client, b*tches!

All right, f*** The Jovi

and his horrible head of hair.

Oh, sick!

- You love it. I owe you, babe.

- All right, I'm hanging up.

We'll need you back at 7 a.m.

No! No, no, no, no, no.

Just push the call!

I'm not gonna land

and go straight to set.

It's stupid. Come on, Monica.

- That's not my name.

- Marcy! I knew that. I knew that.

Why are you so angry all the time?

- You always seem so angry. What's wrong?

- You want me to tell you?

- Is it me?

- No.

Oh, well then I don't give a sh*t.

- Mr. Liotta.

- I'm just being honest.

Hi, I'm Kevin. I'm your driver.

Can I take your bags?

Wait, wait, wait. Where's what's-his-name?

My guy? That Jovi?

Well, he couldn't make it today, sir.

He's traveling with another client.

My car's right down there.

What, do you work for him?

I work for a rival company, sir.

My company called when he couldn't

make the pick-up personally.

He's driving David Hasselhoff right now.

Who?

From TV? Baywatch?

Knight Rider?

Remember back in the '80s? That...

That car that talked?

No, I don't remember

a f***ing car that talked.

- Car that talked.

- What movies has he been in?

Well, not one

that I can think of offhand.

Wait a second,

I'm getting tossed for a TV actor

who hasn't been in one movie

that you can remember?

Honestly, sir, it...

It's really shocking to me

that you're being treated this way.

You're not an actor, are you?

- Actually...

- 'Cause that last line...

About being really shocked,

I didn't buy it for a second.

Not a second.

That's all we need is another

wannabe Denzel driving a f***ing limo.

Come on, come on, come on,

it's hot, it's hot, it's hot.

Watch your legs.

Dick.

F***ing unbelievable!

What? What? What, Marcy?

You've been f***ing calling me

since I left the f***ing set!

What could be so f***ing important?

What?

What?

F*** me! Gosh, damn it!

All right, you know what?

I'm gonna give it to the driver,

he'll get it back, okay? I'm sorry.

Sorry.

- Everything all right?

- Will you do me a favor?

- Take this back to Sony.

- Mmm.

Give it to that little dyke Marcy

with the red hair, okay?

Can you do that for me?

Look, there's blanks in that gun

so don't be an a**hole.

Absolutely.

- I'll have it to them within the hour.

- Thanks.

Wow. That's very kind of you.

Hey.

And that Jovi...

You made yourself a new enemy today.

Be careful.

Yeah, well, The Jovi's just

going to have to take a number.

Right now I'm a bit preoccupied

with the six large I need

to come up with for Iggy.

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