Strictly Sexual

F***!

Okay,

you caught me.

I mean...

men are not the only ones who like

to whack off like zoo monkeys.

Why isn't it okay for girls

to just like f***ing?

If you could have sex once a week,

no attachments, no expectations...

...just straight up f***ing, would you?

- I like f***ing.

I like it a lot.

Who doesn't?

But people make such

a big deal out of it.

And there's so much emphasis

placed on appearance.

I don't know why. I've had sex

with fat girls and skinny girls...

...it's really all the same.

- I know...

that everyone is a little...

self-conscious about

how good they are in bed...

and I was never really, I guess,

great in bed because...

I didn't read Cosmo's latest article

on how to please my man...

because I don't read those magazine

articles and, quite frankly...

I haven't really been too concerned

about pleasing him.

F*** me.

I blew a great setup.

Did you ever f*** something up and

you knew you were f***ing it up...

but you did it anyway?

Maybe she f***ed it up.

I don't know. I'll let you people

decide. My opinion is biased.

I don't why there's this myth that

women get dependent on men.

I mean, every day in America some

guy snaps and kills his girlfriend.

They gotta get restraining orders

taken out against them all the time.

Women never do that.

Oh, you think you're immune, pal?

Well, brother, you just haven't met the

girl you wanna f*** and kill someday.

You're a f***ing a**hole!

I was trying to tell you

how much I love, for f***'s sake!

- How, if you think I'm fat? Thanks!

- I didn't say that. You're nuts.

- You're paranoid. You realize that?

- No, you're the one that's paranoid.

You're the one that gets pissed off

every time Damien comes here.

- Grow up!

- Listen, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

you got insulted by my attempt

to compliment you.

But if you're gonna bring up your

ex-boyfriend, at least understand...

...why I wan to punch him in the face!

- What the hell is that?

A woman's place in procreation

has always been to attract a man:

big tits, small waist

and round ass.

And you're really sensitive about

that sh*t being in its proper place.

- I'm not even half as sensitive!

- Okay, tell me that I gained 5 pounds!

If I get a new haircut and you didn't

notice, would I give a sh*t? No!

I do not like to be insulted, no,

but that has nothing to do...

with you wanting to punch

somebody in the God damned face!

You tell me that you love me

'cause I'm so manly.

This is it, this is

the whole package.

Oh, shut the f*** up!

What a mess!

How do two people end up

talking to each other like that?

Let me rewind to the

very, very beginning.

LA's real interesting,

but it ain't cheap, huh?

I'm down to my last hundred.

What'd you got?

I bought your cigarettes.

F***.

I don't understand...

we've been here like a month.

We should've found jobs by now.

It's the concrete companies here,

they just hire migrant workers.

It's bullshit.

You think California

was a bad idea?

Couple guys like us,

we'll get something going.

Well, we better get

something going soon.

We don't have even have enough

money to get friggin' drunk!

When was the last time

we went into a fancy hotel bar...

ran up a huge tab

and then just bolted?

Sh*t. Months?

Come on, this is the kind of sun sh*t

we always talked about doing.

Fun sh*t you always

talked about doing.

I'm only going along

to make sure you're okay.

Haven't you ever wanted

complete control in bed?

They'll have to do whatever

we say, it'll be amazing.

How do you even know

how to find male prostitutes?

Please tell me you didn't

go on the Internet.

No, no, there's this hotel downtown.

It has a lounge.

That's what it's famous for.

This woman at my salon was

telling me all about it.

You go down there, you see the

guys and pick out the one you want.

Sounds very romantic.

- How's your black eye by the way?

- Not so bad. I keep covering it up.

How do you even do it?

God, you're like Houdini.

I keep 'em pre-tied in my nightstand

and I just slip them on.

Well, that's you, babe.

Very efficient.

Stanny, think that

security guy's onto us.

Joe, we've done this to every fancy

hotel in NY for what, ten years?

You think some

LA rent-a-cop's gonna bust us?

We shouldn't be doing this.

They charge us like

seven bucks for a beer.

That's ripping people off.

We're just making sh*t even.

The guy will think that we're

so desperate to get laid that...

Stop it! God!

They're gonna be so excited.

They usually have to do it with

a bunch of disgusting old women.

- They're gonna think that we...

- They're whores! They're prostitutes.

If anyone has issues with their

self-image, it's them, not you.

Oh yeah.

- Check it out. Check that sh*t out!

- Wait, wait!

- Please don't. We should...

- Hey there.

- Hey.

- Hi. California is a friendly place.

Yeah, we're not used

to two beautiful girls...

...just walking right up to us.

- So, you two boys have names?

- Yeah, I'm Joe. This is Stanny.

- This is Christi Ann. I'm Donna.

Hello, Joe and Stanley.

No, it's not Stanley, it's Stanny.

There's no "L".

Oh, Stanny.

Does it really matter now?

So, where are you girls

from and stuff?

Up in the hills, Laurel Canyon.

We just moved to town.

Oh, a couple of regular guys

new in town looking to meet people.

Yeah. Yeah, we're both

in construction.

Time's a little slow right now,

but we'll get something going soon.

- Just trying to get by, huh?

- Construction workers.

Are you girls like models

or something?

You don't have to belittle us,

we don't usually do this.

Let's grab a table.

What, do you work out?

I work out a lot.

But usually I get enough

of a workout on the job.

We work with concrete.

Sh*t's heavy.

Yes, look, we wanted manly men...

but you're overdoing it...

with the blue collar routine.

- Is that Drakkar you're wearing?

- Yep. Thanks.

- So, what do you do for a living?

- I'm a writer.

Really?

Like books and sh*t?

Screenwriter,

like movies and sh*t.

Get out of here!

That's so cool.

I mean, what have I seen

that you wrote?

Nothing yet. None of my scripts

have been turned into movies yet.

Well, you gotta start

by writing it first, right?

- What about you? What do you do?

- Christi Ann is a clothing designer.

- She designed this.

- Really? Very nice.

Sh*t! Christi Ann,

I totally forgot.

I was in this coffee shop...

and I saw a woman wearing

one of your new shirts.

- Really?

- Man!

Somebody took your sh*t

from the Laundromat?

That happened to me.

Remember that, Stanny?

Somebody just took my stuff

from the dryer...

and then we see this guy from two

floors up wearing my sweatpants!

No, Joe, she's saying that she

makes clothes. She made this here.

- Oh, you invent clothes!

- Yes, I invent clothes.

In fact, people were running around

naked before until I came along.

I have to go to the bathroom.

I'll be... right back.

California girls, man.

They're f***ing unbelievable!

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