Stripes

This is the army.

It's learning how to be

a soldier...

and how to be much more.

It's cold streams

that chill your bones...

and a hot meal

to warm you up.

It's softball and low bridges.

It's a hundred ways

to prove yourself.

If you'd like to be part of it...

call this number toll free.

That's my philosophy. A hundred-dollar

shine on a three-dollar pair of boots.

Yes, sir.

I don't think I've ever

been this happy. Huh?

- Thank you so much.

- Thank you.

I got a nice, warm cab right here.

You sure?

- Let's go. He said it.

- Hey, come on, man.

Thanks for the ride, pal.

Sh*t!

I thought that was

a dog around your neck.

It that's humor, don't bother.

I want to be taken to the airport,

and be very carefuI with the bags.

Don't scratch them.

Allow me.

Thank you.

Would you be carefuI with those!

Madam, perhaps you'd like

to eat your luggage.

I'm in a hurry.

Oh! Oh, my balls.

Good morning.

This is basic English.

My name is Russell Ziskey...

and I'm gonna be your instructor

for the next five weeks.

I want you to call me Russell and I'm

going to call you by your first names...

because I would have a pretty tough time

pronouncing some of your last names.

Okay, I know you're anxious to jump

right in and start speaking English...

but there are just a couple of things

I need to know first because...

I've never done this before.

How many of you would say you speak

English well, but with some difficulty?

A little English?

You speak some English?

Son of b*tch. Sh*t.

I've never gone this way before.

I'm sure there's a lot of ways

I've gone that you haven't.

What is your name?

John Ringer? What kind

of a name is Ringer?

Winger. I'm adopted.

I spent most of my life

in institutions.

Doesn't surprise me. You look like

a typical lowlife character to me.

Actually, I'm a photographer.

I took this job because I love people.

There's nothing that I enjoy more than

meeting someone like yourself...

and getting to know you, then taking a

few action photos of you while I drive.

Stop! Turn around! Watch the road!

Stop with the pictures!

Thank you so much.

Aren't you going too fast?

No, it's not the speed

really so much.

I just wish I hadn't drunk

all that cough syrup this morning.

Oh, my!

- We're going to be killed!

- Oh, no!

- Keep on the wheel and slow down!

- Not killed!

You should have your license

taken away.

I am going to write

your name down...

and see that it's given

to the proper authorities.

You're a bum!

And that's all you'll ever be,

a bum!

Well, that hurts, ma'am.

And I don't think

I want to take your abuse.

I know I don't want to take you and your

luggage to the airport. How 'bout that?

Hey, move that cab, buddy!

You can't stop

in the middle of a bridge!

Would you get back in the car!

That's really very good.

I'd like to try one more time...

and then we'll call it a day.

I met her on a Monday

and my heart stood still

Da doo run run run

Da doo run run

Somebody told me

that her name was Jill

Da doo run run run

Da doo run run

Okay, great, great.

We'll see you next week.

We'll learn some new tunes.

We'll have a great time.

- Bye-bye.

- Bye-bye.

One of these days everything

that I want's gonna be mine

But if it ain't that

it'll be all right

As long as there's sunshine

And a big old brew

That's my car!

- Hey, man!

- Instant Finance.

You're late on the payments, pal.

It's me.

- John, is that you?

- No.

Did you remember to get my dress?

Yeah.

Hi, baby. You're home

a little early, aren't you?

- Yeah.

- How was your day?

Fine.

I got your pizza too.

I had a real bad day.

Yeah. I bet you did.

I quit my job.

I just can't take this anymore.

I know. I gotta straighten out.

- This is ridiculous.

- Right.

That's what you said last week.

How much can you

straighten out in one week?

It hasn't been a week, John.

It's been six months.

And nothing's changed.

You sleep in till noon,

then you watch Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Then you drive your cab, what,

a couple hours?

You come home,

you order out food...

and then you play those stupid Tito

Puente albums until 2:00 in the morning!

Tito Puente is gonna be dead,

and you're gonna say...

"I've been listening to him for years

and I think he's fabulous."

Then you watch movies until dawn,

and then you come to bed with me.

You don't think that takes energy?

You're a sexual dynamo.

Most guys couldn't even

handle you.

I've been reading books on the outside

so I can keep up with you.

It's not funny.

You're going nowhere, John.

It's just not that cute anymore.

It's a little cute.

Come on. I'm part of a lost

and restless generation.

You want me to run

for the senate?

I don't know what I want.

I just know

that I don't want you.

So, the basic problem is

that I'm still around?

Where's that sharp knife

we have? Anita!

I need you.

Come on.

I knew that wasn't

gonna sound good.

No, it's not gonna work.

I like you, but I need something more.

I need somebody who's gonna

develop with me and grow. Good-bye.

Who could grow more than me? Talk

about massive potential for growth...

I am the little acorn

that becomes the oak.

You can't go!

All the plants are gonna die!

And then depression set in.

Go away.

Hi.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing.

Nice shot.

Need a little help.

Can I take your last beer?

We'll split it.

I've had an interesting morning.

In the last two hours...

I've lost my job, my apartment...

my car and my girlfriend.

You still have your health.

Hey. Yes, thank you.

Toss that up here.

Yo. Here we are, my man.

All right, come to papa.

Toss that thing. Let's go.

Geez.

Thank you.

The army can make you feel

a lot of ways:

tired, challenged, trained.

This doesn't look bad.

What, the army?

You're kidding.

I've always thought

about joining the army.

Bullshit. You're not the type.

What do you mean

I'm not the type?

I've seen the kind of guys

that enlist in the army.

I saw them when I was working on

unemployment. They're like us.

Except they're not as sophisticated.

Yeah, they're not as old either.

I bet you can't do five push-ups.

Five push-ups?

I got three dollars

says I can do tive push-ups.

Okay, let's go. Five good ones.

Come on.

- Not marine push-ups.

- Simple push-ups.

I've never heard bones

creak like that.

That's none.

- I'm praying.

- You ought to.

Let's go.

There's a time limit here.

He's almost set.

He's eyeing that rug.

And that's one.

All right. He's off.

He's moving.

That's two.

Not that good though.

That's three.

I think you're ready

for the Special Olympics.

That's three.

- That's four.

- Four.

I was testing you.

And here goes five?

Will he do it?

Congratulations.

You just doubled your money.

I gotta get in shape.

I gotta dry out,

or I'll be dead before I'm 30.

The army's my only chance.

You could join a monastery.

Did you ever see a monk get

wildly f***ed by some teenage girls?

- Never.

- So much for the monastery.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote