Stuart: A Life Backwards Page #4

- 9 to 5?

- That's the one.

Getting up in the morning,

coming home late at night.

On the nose.

Full time.

What, have you ever had one of those?

- Nope.

- Ohh.

I've done a bit of valeting work for

a friend of me brother's.

And?

I head-butted the bloke.

Your version of putting your head down

and getting on with it, I suppose.

He tried to fiddle with me sister.

And then later on, you know, ah s

I don't know.

And now you don't know what?

Nothing. Just later on

my brother Gavvy killed himself.

Well, you know don't have to say

anything, Stuart.

Talk about it another time.

Yeah. Thanks.

When the police found Gavvy they

said he'd really suffered.

The tablets he'd taken had eaten his kidneys

and his liver away before he died.

And he had been in absolute agony dying.

And I'm glad.

I'm glad my brother suffered.

- Chainsaw carved mushrooms?

- F***ing hell.

What did they do to deserve that?

F***ing nice little number you

got going here, mate.

You get many knob heads falling for it?

Yeah, plenty.

Oh wow.

I'm James. Good to see you.

Alexander's told me all about you.

Reuben, yes?

- I'm Dido.

- Ah, you have a lovely house.

- Hello, darling.

- Hi, hi, hi.

- Good to see you.

- This is for you.

Ooh, thank you. Lovely, mmm.

Now, Alexander told you that I'm an

alcoholic, hasn't he?

I'm also a Schedule 1 offender and a

thief, but I won't cause no trouble.

May I have a tour of the estate, please?

- Is that a pear tree?

- Yeah.

You can make cider out of that.

And them apples, eh?

Famous actors used to come here and

play tennis, like Lawrence Olivier and

Lawrence Olivier? Really? Right there?

21-Love!

Hey!

You ought to knock all of them trees

down and build a go-kart course.

If you fix this place up it

would be really lovely here.

Ooh, [indiscernible]. Very nice.

Ooh, it's very tasty. Yeah.

F***ing amazing here.

Yeah, A-f***ing-One.

They're so false.

False tits.

Now, I prefer a bit of natural bounce myself.

I mean, and if they're going to sag,

they're going to sag, aren't they?

I don't get it, Alexander.

How come you're so interested

in homeless people?

I'm not. I was only working at Wintercomfort

because the money was good.

Nine quid an hour. And the hours, shift work.

How long are these onions meant to cook?

Till they feel satisfied.

And then it meant I could write

in the morning.

Yeah, but why?

Look, Stuart, if I was interested in

you as a homeless person,

I'd have been sacked for unprofessional

conduct ages ago.

- So?

- So I like you as a friend, is that so bad?

Fenugreek?

It's a bit weird if you ask me.

Couldn't agree more.

seven, eight. There's always somebody

what won't want two.

Yeah, but why?

Because you're funny, intelligent, good company.

What do you want, a f***ing love letter?

Now shut up and drink your freaking beer.

Marvellous.

- What was it again?

- "Convict Curry".

Hey Stuart, it's Thursday!

You gotta tell!

No, not now.

Come on. A promise is a promise.

Come on, you've talked to us

about everything else.

Give it a rest, Alexander.

- You don't wanna know.

- Stuart's first prison sentence.

He'll only talk about it on a Thursday

because he gets his dole money

Wednesday afternoons, which means that

if talking about it upsets him, he's still

got enough heroin left to calm him down.

Is that right?

It was nothing.

I was

I was in the pub one night.

It was the little 'un's birthday.

I was, I was in the pub celebrating.

It was over ten years ago.

This bloke says...

It was just nastiness.

Come on.

Alexander, please.

Look, Thursday's the day.

So I come home.

[Indiscernible] says,

"you've been f***ing [indiscernible]."

You're drunk.

If you want it, you gotta rape me.

I'll f***ing kill you, you c*nt!

Get out!

You wanted a f***ing baby!

And I think then I realised that I had

made a proper mess of it all, really.

I'm f***ing leaving.

You f***ing are now!

Did you f*** around with me!? Yeah!?

I'm a bit ashamed of that to be honest.

Go on, f*** off! F*** off, [indiscernible].

Oh, for f***'s sake.

Go on, f*** off!

F***ing hell!

It's alright.

F*** off!

So we sat around for a bit

and decided we'd come out together.

We're coming out now. We're together.

I'm sorry.

Go! Get him!

Connie, just shoot the f***er!

He just lost it. It's not Stuart.

Move! Move!

Lovely stay, Alexander.

Thank you very much.

I really enjoyed it.

I was really surprised, Alexander,

to be honest.

I thought that middle class people had

something wrong with them, you know?

But they're just ordinary, aren't they?

I was a bit shocked, to tell the truth.

Over the next few months Stuart's

trial for the attempted manslaughter

of his not poofter, boing-boing-whoosh bed

making neighbour was postponed once,

twice,

a third time,

and then a fourth.

He needed some cash so I gave

him 250 quid for his car

and I'm still waiting for the paperwork.

Meanwhile, the campaign went from

strength to strength.

Newsletters, petitions, protests,

even benefit gigs.

And then it was Stuart's bright idea

to go and see our local MP.

Oh sh*t.

I'm sorry, I'm just a bit nervous is all.

Mr Shorter is not from Anne's constituency

I'm from Anne's constituency. I wish

to take Stuart as my guest.

Alexander...

For that you'll have to make a new appointment.

Oh, rubbish! She's got nothing else

to do, has she?

The council is not gonna have no emergency

winter shelter for the homeless.

And I'm frightened

In winter it's smack what

keeps you f***ing

I'm sorry.

keeps you warm.

But this year there's going to be

one more death a month, again.

Why?

Puppies.

I'm not sure I follow you.

On the streets.

Puppuppies.

'Cause the homeless love their dogs, right?

But the hostels only allow two to

three places for pets.

So, if there has been two new litters,

then loads more people are gonna

have dogs, aren't they?

And therefore will be forced to sleep out.

And hence... therefore... furthermore,

more deaths.

You see, on the street it's the

little things that kill people.

That Justice Howarth must hate

the campaign's guts. Humiliation!

Seven months after they were

sent down Ruth and John

have been released on bail after

a high profile campaign by MPs

and other homeless charities, they won

the right to appeal against prison sentences

four and five years.

This was our first sight of Ruth Wyner

and John Brock on the steps of the

Royal Courts of Justice this morning.

After seven months in jail, the so-called

"Cambridge Two" have been released on

unconditional bail and are now free to

challenge their original convictions.

I can't see if the light's on.

Stuart, it's Alexander.

Stop whatever illegal thing it is

that you're doing and get down here!

It's me muscular dystrophy.

Humeroscapu... or something.

Muscular dystrophy.

It's a real gobstopper,

I never learnt the name.

What you don't know can't hurt you.

I only came in to see the nurse because

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