Stuck on You

Slow it down, Bob.

Need a doughnut break.

We're having chest pains.

Keep it moving, flabby.

Opening night

is less than a week away.

Where in the script does it say that

Truman Capote has a fat, saggy ass?

In the very beginning. "Enter Capote,

followed by his fat, saggy ass."

- Hi, Walt.

- Oh, Suzie-Q, looking good. Ruthy.

- Let's have drinks again soon.

- I'll call you.

Nice. When did you

have drinks with her?

The other day. Didn't I tell you?

She stopped by.

- Well, where was l?

- You were...

Oh, that's right,

you were taking a nap.

- So did you make a move?

- I wanted to. I couldn't get her alone.

Had that friend, Ruthy, with her.

She's like a frigging shadow.

- Hi.

- Pole. Pole. Pole.

Okay, now that's seven mushroom,

three onion...

...two regular cheese

but one with no pickles.

And we have six fries, four Pepsi,

and two 7 UP.

You got 180 seconds,

or that food is free.

Keep your wallets handy, boys.

I keep flip-flopping whether

to go with the suit or the kimono.

Hey, guys, we've got a tester

on number six.

Okay, thanks, Mim.

What did Robert Morse do in it?

He did both,

but he had the budget for it.

We got 12 American Charlies,

seven with fungus, three tearjerkers...

...two bare-assed, hold the pom-poms

on one and frog sticks.

We could do it with three hands

tied behind our backs!

Rocket, I need four Pepsi

and two 7 UP on number six.

Don't forget, you've got two

Diet Pepsi on number nine.

You got it, Mimmy.

Three 7 UP coming up.

- No, it's two 7 UP--

- I got it. I got it.

Looks like

they're having serious trouble.

Come on. Come on.

12, 11, 10, 9...

- ...8, 7, 6, 5...

- I'd go with the kimono.

...4, 3, 2--

- I'm sorry, boys. Maybe next time.

- Thanks, Mimmy.

So close.

You downloaded another picture

of your lnternet pal.

What's her name, Poon Tang?

- Her name is May Fong.

- So she says.

She could be

a 50-year-old circus freak...

...with six teeth

and a set of hairy walnuts.

Nice.

They paid 3.5 million.

We could've gotten it for 1.2.

I want my drink.

Well, hallelujah.

We finally got our drinks.

Root beer machine

had to be changed.

What the-- ? Hold on, pal. Diet Pepsi.

We ordered Diet Pepsi. Are you dense?

I'm Rocket. Dennis works

at the post office. Need stamps?

Oh, so you're a smart-ass, huh?

Oh, you idiot!

These are my good pants!

Oh, those are her good pants.

Honey--

Unbelievable.

- I want to talk to the owner.

- All right, right behind you.

Which one of you two

is in charge of this dump?

Your damn busboy just ruined

my wife's pants.

Well, I'm sorry about that.

You know, club soda's good for that.

I'm sure you think it's very progressive

to hire Jerry's Kids...

...but keep the freaks in the back...

...washing dishes,

away from the paying customers.

You are absolutely right.

How many times have I told you, Walt...

- ...we don't want freaks here.

- He tells me. I never--

- Ever! Ever, do you?

- For some reason. I don't know why.

We're on top of it.

We're gonna handle it right now.

Rocket, let me talk to you

for a minute.

You know, we have a rule about freaks

in this place. We don't like them.

And we don't want them.

So, Rocket,

you see that door over there?

Would you escort

this freak through it?

No problem.

Right this way, please.

I'm not going anywhere.

Don't forget your bag.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Would you like those root beers to go?

All right, burgers on the house!

- He's just kidding, you cheap bastards.

- No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

No, yeah, he is. He is.

- Nice stop, guys. Way to go.

- Thanks, Stan.

Great game, Walt.

That was a huge win.

Thanks, Stan. I was seeing

the puck well tonight.

- Walt, how many saves you guys have?

- I had 11, and Bob had 26.

Bob-o was standing

on his head out there.

Check this out.

Wow, she's new. Hey, Dave,

how about another tall one?

You got it.

How about you there, Bob?

No, I'm cool.

I'm the designated walker tonight.

Got it.

I taste ice cream.

You got a dart in your head,

you dumb sh*t.

Hey, Romeo, how about you invite your

friend May out for a visit this spring?

Vineyard can be romantic

that time of year...

...and we so horny.

No, I checked the Farmer's Almanac.

It's supposed to be a muddy spring.

No, it's gonna be sloppy.

I don't want her to come out--

Seriously, man, I just--

You know, I want it to be right.

- I'm trying to be smart.

- You overanalyze this stuff.

What is that supposed to mean?

You should be talking to this chickie-poo

down at the bar.

- No.

- Come on.

- Come on. Get over there. Say hello.

- No. No. No, don't do it.

- No way. Cut it out. Stop it.

- Go on. She's smiling at you.

If she wanted to talk to somebody,

she would've brought a friend.

Hi. How are you? My name's Bob Tenor.

But I'm really more of a baritone.

Hi, Bob.

This is my brother, Walt.

Look, if you're ever in town--

I mean, I know you're in town now...

...but I mean, if you're ever in town

and not in a bar...

That came off wrong. It sounded

like you were a skanky whore.

I'd love it if you'd come by

Quikee Burger...

...which is my restaurant that I own

with my brother, Walt.

You met him.

Time's up, Casanever.

- Can I join you for a drink?

- Sure.

- Okay. What's your name?

- Debbie.

- Hi, I'm Walt Tenor.

- Nice to meet you.

Dear May,

thanks for the latest photo,

I look at it whenever

I'm in need of a smile,

I'm sending a picture of me at work,

Hope you like it,

Yours, Bob,

I' m starting to cramp.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- How's the letter coming?

- Good.

Yeah, what do you got?

It's personal. You know,

I don't go nosing into your business.

I'm sorry.

Mind typing on your knees?

Okay.

Here we go. There you go.

Turn around.

- Shouldn't you study your lines?

- Not necessary. Locked and loaded.

Then help me stack the wood.

I can't. I could pull something.

It's a performance day.

Aren't you a little bit nervous?

What's a four-letter word for snatch?

Grab.

You're not even a little bit nervous?

What's there to be nervous about?

Well, you're up there in a one-man

show, in front of all those people.

You know, I'd be crapping myself.

It's my ninth year,

I think I'm just...

I feel like I'm over it, you know?

- I guess that's how you have to be.

- Well...

You're doing that blinking thing.

Are you gonna have a panic attack?

- No, I'm cool.

- Are you all right?

- You all right?

- No, I'm not gonna--

- I'm gonna--

- Oh, God. Take it easy.

- Calm down.

- I think I'm dying.

- I'm dying.

- You're not.

- Oh, God.

- You're having a panic attack.

- Come on. Take it easy.

- Get my bag.

Wait, I'm having an arrhythmia.

Here you go. Breathe into the bag.

Short breaths.

Concentrate on the breathing.

It's nine years in a row!

I don't want to go on-stage.

Why do I have to go on-stage

with you?

You're gonna be fine.

You're gonna be fine, all right?

You're gonna have fun tonight,

all right?

You're gonna have fun.

Any normal person with a normal sense

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