Stuck on You Page #2

of self-preservation...

...would understand that

all an artist has is his life.

And what he observes

as he passes through his life.

And any serious writer hanging out

for years with the rich, well...

...my God, you'd have to be deluded

to the point of derangement...

...not to realize that that writer

was taking notes.

My God, I even told them.

They knew I was writing this book.

What did they think I was there for?

The intellectual stimulation?

The wit?

The spiritual uplift?

I brought the intellect

and the wit to the party.

Okay, okay, he's coming.

He's coming.

Bravo! Bravo!

- You were just wonderful!

- Thank you, Mim.

Yeah, Walt, you were great.

Bob, you sucked.

- Hey.

- Come on, Rocket, I'm not an actor.

So, what's up for next year?

- Oh, I don't know.

- Oh, come on, tell them the big idea.

- What is it?

- He wants to do a musical version...

- ...of Bonnie and Clyde.

- All right!

- You were awesome last night.

- Thanks.

Is everything all right?

You seem a little--

Remember when we were little and we

first found out we'd never be separated?

- Sure.

- Made a blood pact that day, remember?

Yeah, we promised we'd never hold

each other back, no matter what.

And we never have. Right off the bat,

we made a hell of a team.

Trick or treat!

Get them! Get them!

Man, those freaks are fast.

Strike one!

Let's do it! Now, come on!

Get out there!

Break. Break. Break. Break. Okay,

come on. You keep it clean, now.

You're out!

Your kings and queens!

Right, Betty!

So, what's your point?

Here, sit down.

Oh, jeez.

I want to be an actor.

Yeah. Of course.

Look, I'm sorry, man.

I know I freaked out yesterday...

...but I'll go on-stage with you again.

You can even sing if you want to.

I'd never stop you from doing that.

I mean, I want to be a real actor.

I want to move to Hollywood.

- What?!

- I think I got the chops for it.

Those people last night were moved.

- I got to them.

- Look, those were your friends.

What's that supposed to mean?

Look, I just meant...

Look, man, we're from

Martha's Vineyard, okay?

You know, people here...

You know, we're lifeguards

and fishermen.

We own restaurants.

We do not star in movies.

What about Meryl Streep?

She's not from the Vineyard.

She shot one movie here.

She stayed on a couple extra

weeks because she liked it.

- What are you-- ? What is your point?

- Well...

Okay, look, I'm gonna

put it to you this way.

Who were the last conjoined twins

who were nominated for an Oscar?

I can't believe I'm hearing this

from you, of all people.

Isn't that what people told us

our whole lives?

We couldn't do what normal

people did. Never stopped us.

By the way, Hollywood just happens

to be in L.A. where May Fong lives.

I'm not ready for that.

She's crowding me as it is.

Crowding you?! She's been

your lnternet pal for three years.

You haven't even met her!

Look, man. What about me, man?

I have a business here.

If things work out,

we can open a Quikee Burger in L.A.

Yeah, or better yet, maybe

you can get in the movie biz too.

What am I gonna do

in the movie business?

I don't know. You could be

my stunt double.

- Your stunt double?

- Yeah.

If I gotta do, like, a dangerous stunt,

you could do it...

...so that I don't get hurt.

Come on. I need to do this

while I still can. I'm getting old, Bob.

- Walt, you're 32.

- Going on 50.

Listen, I can't help it

you got most of our liver. Okay?

I'm aging faster.

I got bags under my eyes.

And you? Time's passing. You got

nothing to show except for pictures.

- You haven't been laid in five years.

- Hey, how would you know?

I don't know, Walt.

You know,

we got a great thing going here.

- lt might not be the same--

- lt might be better!

Have you ever thought about that?

Three months, we go,

we see how it works out.

If it doesn't, we come home.

I'll be happy because I know we tried.

Okay, Hollywood...

...but you're gonna owe me

bigtime for this.

Bye.

Bye, Bob.

You sure this is the right

Hollywood and Vine?

- According to the brochure, it is.

- Show us your power, Lord.

Lord, Lord, hates the sin,

but loves the sinner.

- Show us your truth, Jesus.

- Holy smokes.

Hey, freaks!

Yo!

Hello!

Fade out!

My wife's not out there, is she?

No, I haven't seen anybody.

That psycho midget's

been riding my ass...

...to finish this screenplay I've been

working on for the last two years.

This is it.

Clean sheets and towels.

There'll be a pot of green tea

in the office every morning.

- Name's Moe if you need anything.

- This is great.

Do you have a room

with a double bed?

Sorry, this is all I got.

But tell you what I can do...

...I'll see if I can get a queen bed

in here in about a week or two.

- See you guys.

- Thanks, Moe.

Give her a call.

Let her know we're here.

What-- ?

This is serious. We have

a lot of things to do out here.

Not the least of which

is get you into a casting agency...

...without them laughing you

out of the room.

Why would they laugh?

I mean, look at you.

You're pale as a ghost.

We gotta get you a tan.

Okay, what's a four-letter word

for voiceless, ends in D?

- Surd.

- Surd?

Surd with a U.

I gotta tell you, this crossword's a lot

easier than the one I'm used to at home.

Well, well, well,

what do we have here?

- Hey!

- Hi.

- Are you new around here?

- Got in this morning.

- My name's Walt.

- Hey, I'm April.

- This is my brother, Bob.

- Hey. Bob Tenor.

Have a seat.

So you guys are brand-new.

- Our first California sunburn.

- We're official.

You're gonna love it here

at the Star.

I've been here, like,

two and a half years, and--

Hey, you guys are stuck together.

And I still love it here.

We're like one big happy family.

So where'd you get this done?

No, no, we were born like this.

Cool. Cool.

And where are you guys from?

Massachusetts.

Bob here's a lover/grillman...

...and I came out

to give acting a shot.

Oh, my God! I'm an actor too.

- Oh, yeah?

- You're an actor?

Yeah. Well, no.

I mean, I want to be one.

Right now I'm just

kind of a lingerie model.

Oh, my God! So am l.

No, he isn't.

No, seriously, like,

do you have an agent?

No, no, not yet. How about you?

No, not momentarily,

but I did have one.

This colostomy bag

named Morty O'Reilly.

- Hey, you want a beer?

- Yeah.

I've had better luck on my own.

Every morning I read Back Stage West.

- Can I see?

- Yeah.

And it lists all the open casting calls.

Yeah, you don't even need

an agent with that thing.

Bob, check this out. Right here.

"Wanted:
Tall, handsome,

distinguished actor...

...to play Robin Hood

for the new millennium."

- That's you!

- That is me!

- That is you!

- ls that me?

- Yeah, it's you!

- lt is me.

You guys are fun.

Listen, ye all, and hear me now.

The sheriff of Nottingham

will come forth...

...but he will not bend

this merry band of--

Of brothers!

He will--

Who put you up to this?

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