Stuck on You Page #3

It was Lovett over at CAA,

wasn't it?

Joan, get that SOB on the horn

for me, will you, please?

Did you bring a headshot

and list of your credits?

You know, I was supposed to do that,

and I forgot it at home.

Sometimes I think he'd forget

his own brother if I wasn't sewn on.

Okay, thank you for coming.

We'll be in touch.

No.

I'm sorry, but the message

that we're trying to get across...

...is that Dubble Bubble doubles

the taste, not causes birth defects.

I don't know.

Maybe you were right, Bob.

Maybe this is a pipe dream.

Yeah. Probably time to face facts.

If you haven't made it

in the first 72 hours...

- ...you should probably just pack it in.

- Right.

I bet Meryl Streep wasn't out here

six hours before she got her big break.

De Niro too.

And Steve Buscemi?

With his pearly whites...

...he was in town 45 minutes

before he got his first role.

- Are you making fun of me?

- You bet I am.

I know you were born without a liver,

but you got some backbone, didn't you?

- You gotta admit these past couple of--

- I'm not gonna admit anything.

How do we know

the Lion King producers...

...aren't looking for some

conjoined hyenas as we speak?

Know who will get the part now?

Those Schappell sisters from Oregon

who are stuck at the forehead.

Why? They're country-and-western

singers, not actors.

Because you quit, that's why.

Right.

- Maybe I was a little hasty.

- Good.

Hey, don't worry about anything.

I happen to have a little plan that's going

into effect first thing tomorrow morning.

All right.

You're a great brother, Bob.

Yeah, I know, now zip the lip.

Let's get some sleep.

I like your plan.

The car's only plan A.

Plan B is to get you an agent.

Right.

Retirement home? Are you sure

we got the right address?

This is what he gave me.

Maybe we should try someone else.

April said this Morty guy's a total sleaze.

But you said he's the only one

that would give us an appointment.

I want you to know up front...

...that O'Reilly only represents actors

who are truly committed to their craft.

That's me, Mr. O'Reilly.

I am fully committed.

Committed enough to pay

my $200 up-front service fee?

Which, of course, is used to defray

the costs of registration fees...

...entitlement paperwork

and what have you.

- What are you doing?

- I'm showing him how committed I am.

You're showing him

how stupid you are. Here.

We'll give you $100 because

you're only representing one of us.

Look, I'm gonna level with you.

Siamese twins

ain't the easiest sell I've had.

We're not Siamese. We're American.

I think what my brother's saying is,

he'd prefer the term "conjoined twins."

Okay, but I should let you know...

...I'm not one of those run-of-the-mill

suits. I'm a full-service agent.

- Meaning?

- I get 25 percent.

- Well, what does he get in return?

- Seventy-five percent.

Well, I gotta tell you,

I think he seemed like a real player.

I guess.

Oh, my God. It's her.

Who?

Don't, don't, don't, don't gawk.

Don't do that.

She's famous. She probably

hates when people gawk.

I like that part, but I just...

I think we gotta at least go by

and say hi.

A minute ago,

we couldn't even look at her...

- ...and now we're gonna go say hello?

- Hey, Bob, relax. It would be rude not to.

I'll do all the talking.

Excuse me, Ms. Streep.

Sorry to interrupt your lunch.

I know this is completely

inappropriate...

...but my brother Bob

is a big fan of yours. He just--

He wanted to come by and say hi.

- Hi.

- Hi, Bob.

We're from Oak Bluffs

on Martha's Vineyard.

I've been there.

Yeah, I know you have. Actually,

we're friends with Timmy Sheehan.

- Who?

- Timmy Sheehan.

Remember, he waited on you one time

at Jimmy Sea's restaurant?

Remember? You autographed

his menu for him.

I did.

I know because

I read it and it said:

"To Timmy, a good waiter.

From Meryl Streep."

But the way you signed the P,

it looked like an L...

...so we used to call Timmy

all the time and say:

"Hello, this is Meryl Streel calling."

We were just busting his nuts.

True story.

I think I remember him.

I ordered some food,

and he brought it to me.

That would be him.

He's a real character.

I can't believe you just come

to a restaurant and nobody bugs you.

Well...

Let's go.

Well, let me go.

Nice meeting you.

You know, by the way,

if you ever just wanna...

...get away, have a little hang time,

we're at the Rising Star apartments.

It is a pretty sweet setup.

We got a barbecue pit there.

Gas. He does steaks and chops.

We got a pool, a little grassy knoll area,

and feel free to just come by any time.

Okay. I'll keep it in mind.

- Great. And bring the posse.

- Okay.

Bring the posse.

Hey!

Wait a minute.

I do remember you guys.

Homecoming '87.

Oh, my God! I was at that game.

With seconds on the clock,

it's fourth down, one yard to go.

- Safety cheating.

- Check. Check.

Check. Check.

Apache 36. Apache 36.

Apache 36. Apache 36.

Okay, let's go.

Hike.

I'm wide open.

Touchdown, Vineyard.

Sharks win, 22-21.

That was you!

He actually is the one who scored

the winning touchdown.

Well, you threw him

a hell of a block.

I've always told you that.

You never give yourself enough credit.

As you can see, I'm on crutches.

I was wounded during the Vietnam War.

Had a hunting accident

while hiding in Canada.

Tried that Viagra stuff the other day.

I didn't get an erection,

but I could walk for three hours.

Did a benefit for

Jehovah Witnesses...

...all's they wanted to hear

were "knock, knock" jokes.

Then the three of us just sat there

and talked for, like, an hour.

Meryl--

She asked me to call her Meryl.

Very knowledgeable on the film industry.

She says I should plug away...

...because I have twice the presence

of most actors she's met.

- Well, you do.

- Thanks.

Anyway, I told her my first love's

the theater back home...

...felt I had to give

Hollywood a crack...

...but if I ever go back, I should call her.

She's dying to go to the Vineyard.

She might even star

in a show with me.

- Really? Walt, that's great!

- I know.

I love it when famous people

are not dickwads.

That's the Streeper, perfectly normal.

As normal as you and me.

Stop. Anyway...

- Can I ask you a personal question?

- Nine inches.

I wasn't gonna ask that.

Nine inches?

Yeah, it's about nine inches across.

No, actually, what I was

gonna ask you is...

...if you guys ever considered,

you know, getting separated?

There's a lot of great plastic surgeons

here. A lot. I mean, just look at these.

Well, our problem can't really be fixed

through a simple cosmetic surgery.

We share a liver.

He's got most of it.

There's no way they can just nip

and tuck so you both get some?

There is and there isn't.

The doctors at Mass General told us

they could split us up at no risk to Bob...

...but there's a 50-50 chance

that I wouldn't make it, so...

Oh, God, no.

I don't blame you for not doing it.

No! No, no, no, I wanted to do it.

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